Money Moral Dilemma: Should I ask my friend for money after he sold the car we gave him? 11 October 2022 at 2:06PM edited 11 October 2022 at 2:08PM in Marriage, relationships & families 51 replies 36.9K views

MalMonroe

MSE_Kelvin said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

A friend was made redundant and couldn't find work locally, and wasn't able to look further afield as he didn't have a car. My wife had begun working from home, so we offered him her car for free - it was old, but had no problems. A few weeks later, he told us he'd scrapped the car because it needed work done that he couldn't afford. Yet I've now found out he sold it and I feel he's taken advantage of our generosity. He's still not found work, but should we ask him for the money he made selling the car? 

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No. Because your own answer lies here - "we offered him her car for free"

Your friend was made redundant and was obviously desperate for cash so he sold the car you gave him. You have helped your friend enormously, even if it's not the way you intended.

Please don't turn your exceptionally generous gesture into something horrible. Your friend still hasn't found work so how is he going to repay you anyway? If you had wanted to sell the car then maybe that's what you should have done in the first place.
Running a car is not cheap - tax, insurance, petrol, MOT, etc. Older cars just do need more work doing that many of us can't afford either because they don't last forever, sadly. You didn't even want your wife's old car.

Let it go, your friend needs your empathy and help more than demands for money he doesn't have. That isn't what friends do to each other.

callum9999

I'm genuinely shocked how the majority of people here think it's perfectly fine to just sell gifts given to help you out and keep the cash.

It seems fairly obvious that the intention behind the gift was "here is a car to get you get around and find a job" and not "here's an item you can sell for cash". Otherwise they could have just given him the cash...

You obviously cannot demand the money back as they've done nothing wrong legally, but the fact so many of you think that's an acceptable way to treat a friend is depressing.

A17

Hi, what you did was such a good thing to do for a friend...
Unfortunately some people think and act very differently than others. Your friend obviously has a completely different way of thinking.
Turn the tables and ask yourself what this friend would do, then maybe reprioritise what you deem to  be a "friend "  x

74jax

callum9999 said:

I'm genuinely shocked how the majority of people here think it's perfectly fine to just sell gifts given to help you out and keep the cash.

It seems fairly obvious that the intention behind the gift was "here is a car to get you get around and find a job" and not "here's an item you can sell for cash". Otherwise they could have just given him the cash...

You obviously cannot demand the money back as they've done nothing wrong legally, but the fact so many of you think that's an acceptable way to treat a friend is depressing.

Depressing?  A friend with no job and may have zero money, had the opportunity to sell something to help pay bills and feed themselves, something which they owned..... And you think it's depressing we have empathy and can see that may have been the only way they could eat?

It's a MSE Dilemma, you don't get to ask questions to get more information - but in the case of no job, can't pay bills, can't eat, then any friend asking for the money back is depressing.  Not the person trying to live. 

RobM99

I'd be "miffed" if someone sold something I'd gifted them. However if they said "I'm sorry but I'm so skint I've got to sell the car to survive" I'd have a more benevolent feeling. It's not a moral issue though.

Bendy_House

74jax said:

callum9999 said:

I'm genuinely shocked how the majority of people here think it's perfectly fine to just sell gifts given to help you out and keep the cash.

It seems fairly obvious that the intention behind the gift was "here is a car to get you get around and find a job" and not "here's an item you can sell for cash". Otherwise they could have just given him the cash...

You obviously cannot demand the money back as they've done nothing wrong legally, but the fact so many of you think that's an acceptable way to treat a friend is depressing.

Depressing?  A friend with no job and may have zero money, had the opportunity to sell something to help pay bills and feed themselves, something which they owned.....

...and lie about it to the generous friend?

As to 'may have zero money', that is complete speculation.

All we know about this situation is what we have been told. Opinions given should be based on that. (Unless caveated (sic)).

And what we are told is:

A friend was made redundant and couldn't easily look further afield as they didn't have a car. (Presumably not awash with cash, then. Mind you, even getting a banger on the road is going to be many £undreds, if not more))

Kind OP offered them their 'old but good' car for free in order to help them out with their job-seeking task. (We don't know on what terms - was V5 transferred? Was it considered temporary? Best guess from the post, I think, since we are not told otherwise, is that it was a permanent gift.)

A mere few weeks later, the OP was presumably lied to about the fate of the car. The friend pocketed the cash, end of.

What we don't know is whether the car was sold for a scrappage amount or as a runner. Both are morally poor, but the latter very much more so.

The friend still hasn't found work, and has seemingly disposed of the means to assist them in doing so.

Conclusions?

No, you cannot ask your money back as it's no longer your car.

Your friend is morally dodgy.

What to do about this is entirely your call, but I would be absolutely certain of the FACTS before considering doing anything. Was the car sold for scrap or 'spares or repair'? Or as a runner (and don't forget that even old cars are worth more than they ever have in the current climes)?

If it was sold for 'scrap', then there is some respite for the fellow. They could have convinced themselves that you just didn't want to be bothered by such a trivial issue.

If it was sold as a runner, then the ground is more dodgy. Yes, the car was now theirs, and ultimately for them to do with as they wish, but we can presume the OP did not offer them the car to help them financially, but to help them sort themselves out - a bit like "Give a man a fish and eat for one day. Give him a rod, and he'll waste his life in front of a lake" Something like that. There IS an added moral clause implied, imo. Or, to put it another way, would the OP have handed over a wad of cash to this friend? I suspect not, but obviously don't know.

What to do? Find the facts. And in the worst case scenario, I'd certainly relate to that friend purely on my own terms from then on. (A bit when you find a family member is a narc. You still 'have' to have a relationship with them, but you make it on your terms only.)

Should the OP say anything about it? That's also entirely up to them.

74jax

Bendy_House said:

74jax said:

callum9999 said:

I'm genuinely shocked how the majority of people here think it's perfectly fine to just sell gifts given to help you out and keep the cash.

It seems fairly obvious that the intention behind the gift was "here is a car to get you get around and find a job" and not "here's an item you can sell for cash". Otherwise they could have just given him the cash...

You obviously cannot demand the money back as they've done nothing wrong legally, but the fact so many of you think that's an acceptable way to treat a friend is depressing.

Depressing?  A friend with no job and may have zero money, had the opportunity to sell something to help pay bills and feed themselves, something which they owned.....

...and lie about it to the generous friend.

Bendy_House said:

74jax said:

callum9999 said:

I'm genuinely shocked how the majority of people here think it's perfectly fine to just sell gifts given to help you out and keep the cash.

It seems fairly obvious that the intention behind the gift was "here is a car to get you get around and find a job" and not "here's an item you can sell for cash". Otherwise they could have just given him the cash...

You obviously cannot demand the money back as they've done nothing wrong legally, but the fact so many of you think that's an acceptable way to treat a friend is depressing.

Depressing?  A friend with no job and may have zero money, had the opportunity to sell something to help pay bills and feed themselves, something which they owned.....

...and lie about it to the generous friend.

I know, its really sad. But you read so many threads on here about people who can't afford things and through pride (or whatever) and just don't seem to be able to tell their friends. They'd rather lie than admit out loud the truth.

I think it's only going to get worse, but people really shouldn't feel bad in saying they have no money, especially if unemployed in this financial climate.   Friends would understand. 

Bendy_House

74jax said:

I know, its really sad. But you read so many threads on here about people who can't afford things and through pride (or whatever) and just don't seem to be able to tell their friends. They'd rather lie than admit out loud the truth.

I think it's only going to get worse, but people really shouldn't feel bad in saying they have no money, especially if unemployed in this financial climate.   Friends would understand. 

I totally accept what you say. That is very possible.

I wonder if the OP can manage an empathetic approach on that basis?

Littledaler

Too much emphasis on the "concept of a gift".  People seem to be missng the real point - the "friend" lied about the outcome:  if he had any respect for these people who had very kindly given him a car when he really needed it, he would have been honest and told them he still hadn't found work (and perhaps the running costs/repair costs were prohibitive?) and as NBLondon says, offer the car back or ask if he could sell it as he needed the cash. It's alright going on about the concept of gifting but friendship is the more important issue.

alicef

I've found this thread to be of particular interest because I did gift my car - still with 6 months on MOT, still running fine.  My partner has a friend who's brother 'needed' a car. I was receiving my brother's old car - which I still have.

It later transpired that the donated car was immediately sold.  

Yes the car was a gift - but the need was presented to us as a requirement for getting around. I'm not massively flush myself. and I could have sold the car, so a small part of me feels a bit let down.