Money Moral Dilemma: Should my friend pay his ex back for the phone she got him as a gift?

jonny7227

Sorry but a gift is a gift - end of!

Spendless

MSE_Kelvin said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

A good friend of mine just broke up with his girlfriend. A few months back, she insisted on buying him a new smartphone for his birthday that cost almost £600. Now they've broken up, she's demanding he give her the money for it. He offered to give her the phone, but she says she wants cash. He says he's struggling to save up the money but is going to pay it back as he feels it's the right thing to do, but I think she's being unreasonable. Who's right?

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I think you stay out of it. It was their relationship. He believes that paying her back is the right thing to do, even though he's struggling to save the money. We don't know the circs of their split. You won't even know everything about their relationship. Unless he's asked you for your opinion on it all, support his choices even if you don't agree with it.  A tough aspect of friendship but a worthwhile one.   

Itsarz2

A “gift” is not something you would (or should) expect to be reimbursed for. As it was, he offered her the phone back, which is a generous thing to do. She should have accepted the offer. To ask for the amount she paid for for the phone is both ridiculous and churlish. 

MalMonroe

I agree with Spendless that it really isn't anyone else's business.

But . .. if it were  -  I look upon this in a similar fashion to an engagement ring. In most cases, not all though - the woman will keep the ring and both parties go on their way.

£600 is a lot for anyone to 'lose' but the phone was bought willingly at a time when neither of them expected to part and your friend was very generous to offer to return it. 

If your friend wants to give his ex the £600, then so be it. I'm not well off but I'd want to give the money to my ex - and I'd borrow to do it, simply because it would make me feel better.  I DID keep the engagement ring, though, without reimbursement but he was happy with that.

Your friend and his ex loved each other once. There's no price to be put on that.

MalMonroe

REJP said:

Wipe the details off phone, remove SIM card and send it back as previously suggested by insured post or recorded delivery.
no need to call the woman a "cow" in this forum please.
Break ups are not nice, but a fact of life.   No point going back over things he gave her in the past or other things from her.   If we all did that we would have lists of things to reclaim!
As hinted by others, we don't know what caused the break up and it is not wise to try guessing the reasons.
I don't think he should pay her for a gift, he has already offered to return it.    If she rubbishes him to friends about it I suspect she will lose some of those friends who see the situation as most people on this forum have seen it and she will end up losing respect.

Thank you, I do agree that there's no need to all anyone a 'cow' on this forum. As a woman, I find it very insulting and unnecessary, no matter what the OP's friend's ex did, there's absolutely no need. I was in two minds whether or not to report that comment.

ripongrammargirl

This is unreasonable behaviour on her part as a gift is a gift. He should not pay her any money but the fact he offered her the phone back is very gallant, which he did not need to do. I agree with others in that (only if he feels he needs to) he should wipe the phone and return it via special delivery at the post office, which will cover insurance on loss or damage in transit and will ensure safe receipt. He then needs to move on with his life. Break ups are horrible. When my fiancé dumped me in the 90s I was living 400 miles from my home town, had just come out of an 8 day hospital stay with a seriously damaged knee (disabled to this day) and he demanded I leave the house immediately whilst he was on holiday and not to take any items we had bought together over the last few years. His mother backed him up saying “if you do then we have a solicitor on speed dial” and she meant it as I was “not good enough for her son as I was not a dolly bird” as she put it, meaning because I was a size 14 I was not gorgeous enough for her son (balding and not every woman’s dream)….. pot/kettle??? 

Glad I was out of that one and found my perfect husband back in 2003. Time heals all, folks!

Lady_Gaia

a gift is a gift, regardless of a break up. There is absolutely no reason to pay up. It is incredibly kind that he offered to return the phone. It was her decision to buy it, not his. It just seems like spite to be honest.

Fairylikable

Here are his options:
1.Keep the phone because it was a gift.
(Really? He wants to hold onto that and all the associated memories and now the tension that it is causing them?)
2. Follow that earlier advice about wiping the phone, boxing it back up nicely and via either recorded delivery or getting a trusted mate to hand over to her return the phone.
(He is not holding onto the thing, using something that is now “spoilt”. However, it is not what was asked so it leaves another avenue of complaint and communication open that could include her returning it back again). 
3. Keep the phone and return the full amount as requested.
(Released completely from the tension, and that reason for contacting him is resolved. He has now got 2 options with this solution: sell the phone to recover as much as he can and be done with it or keep the phone and use it. If he does go for this selling option, selling as quickly as possible is best as they depreciate).
4. Offer a partial amount/ negotiate an amount she would be content to accept. He could offer the amount he could sell it for.
(Dilemma resolution as for 3).

Personally, taking into account the phone’s age, I believe option 4 is the fairest.

p.s. Regarding an engagement ring that was mentioned…actually it is a completely separate category of property. An engagement ring is given as a “contract” of marriage. It actually always belongs to the giver until the marriage. Then it belongs to the person who received it. The giver can always of course just allow it to be kept.  

Groom

Certainly not, it was a gift and it was her choice to give it to him, once you give someone a present it belongs to them. Did he give her any presents during their relationship, if so perhaps he should work out the cost of those and tell her she owes him that much! 

jedav

I feel that he is under no obligation to either return or pay for the gift, particularly as she seems to have chosen it.  She clearly wants/needs money as she refused the return of the phone.  If he feels like being kind, he could pay her some proportion of the cost (maybe half) and make it clear, in writing, that such a payment is "without prejudice".  But it's his decision.