15 year old responsibilities

Spendless

sheramber said:

As for anxiety, start with little goals for her to achieve, and lots of praise and reinforcement as she completes them, and gains confidence in her own abilities.

Unfortunately, that does not work for my grandson.

Any praise is interpreted as saying what he did before was not good enough.

I'm possibly not going to explain this well, but when a counsellor we got for DD spoke to my husband she explained that certain 'chemicals' in the brain chase the next 'hit' of feeling that way. So she explained the thrill chaser, think people who jump over objects on motorbikes seek for the bigger thrill, so they jump a car, then 2 cars, then 3 then a double decker bus. The same is true of negative feelings, so they are on a downer so believe things will be worse, and can't see the good in what someone is saying because the chemical in the brain is chasing the negative feeling instead. That might be what you're describing here. 

Savvy_Sue

sheramber said:

As for anxiety, start with little goals for her to achieve, and lots of praise and reinforcement as she completes them, and gains confidence in her own abilities.

Unfortunately, that does not work for my grandson.

Any praise is interpreted as saying what he did before was not good enough.

That has shone a light onto DS1's reactions as a child. I knew the HV advice of "praise the behaviour you want, ignore the behaviour you don't want" didn't work, now I start to understand why .... 

CalJo99

Any praise is interpreted as saying what he did before was not good enough.
**

What about giving him an objective score, that is recorded (a variant on the 'gold star' chart for younger children!), which he can compare with, and know that previously, say, he scored three out of five, but now he's scoring five out of five.

ie, he has improved.

After all, presumably, whatever he was doing 'before' WASN'T 'good enough' which is why you are praising him now his performance has objectively improved.

Be wary of being 'guilted' into the accusation 'I can't do anything right for you! Everythign I do is wrong' ('ie, 'you are the worst mum ever and I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO unhappy....)

CalJo99

PS - Presumably his school teachers are scoring his work. If scores for one piece are higher than another, that is, therefore, an objective indication that the previous piece of work wasn't as good as the one that has just scored more highly.

Why should that be problematical?

Savvy_Sue

It's problematic for perfectionists. If this piece of work doesn't appear (to them) as perfect, it's not good enough. And if it's not as good as what came before (to them), it's not good enough. 

And if you praise something they know to be imperfect, they may destroy it.

sheramber

He doesn't relate to have a  higher marker than before. 

It is not a case of saying he did better- that just confirms to him that he wasn't good enough last time. He doesn't appreciate he has done better, only that previously wasn't good.

In some cases he may not have a higher mark than before so that confirms to him he is not  good this time, even although this time it might have been harder and a lower score than the previous easier task means it is still good.

It is not just about school work. IT  applies to everything he does. IT could be baking a cake or washing the car. 

Tell him it was a delicious cake means the last one he made wasn't despite the fact that we said that was delicious at the time.

Tell him he did a good job washing the car means the last time he did it it wasn't good.

he has very low self esteem.

Naomim

sheramber said:

Mine were responsible for keeping their own room clean and tidy. I did not go in it so if it was a mess only they and their friends saw it.

it was up to them to bring their washing down  on wash day. If they didn't they didn't have clean clothes or washed it themselves.

They did not have set household jobs. if I needed help with something I asked them. I never took it for granted .

IF they wanted extra pocket money they asked what they could do, such as clean the windows. 

Never expect a youngster to care for and train a puppy unless they have shown a strong affinity with having a dog. Puppies are hard work. It is like having a new baby in the house.
Very few have the commitment or the patience,  and pet care and training falls to the grown up.

15 year olds have other things they would rather do.

Your dog could live for 15 years. A long term commitment for anyone, never mind  a 15 year old.

This is exactly what I do. My 17yo is expected to walk the dog a few times a week and both are asked to feed her, make sure she's got water and play with her. I can't ask 13yo to walk her as we have a big dog and she can pull her over easily.

For your dd to do all the training is too much, but there are things you can do together to make it fun for all of you. Recall is a good one. Getting your pup to go to who is calling and be rewarded. 

As for housework, chores, nothing set in stone. I ask for bins and dishwasher to be emptied as and when. Clothes to be put in the laundry basket and bedrooms tidied but again that one is fighting a losing battle and I keep their bedroom doors shut.