15 year old responsibilities

coconutcurls

Hello

I am just wondering what responsibilities you expect from your 15 years old regarding anything but especially household chores, pets etc.
I have no one to compare to.
Mine suffers from anxiety and bouts of depression (already receiving CAMHS support) so I know I have to be a bit lenient but I am struggling knowing the line between her mental health struggles and undesirable teen behaviour that should be redirected.
She is also over sensitive so I have to thread super carefully to not trigger a "low" episode.

Any tips or ideas welcome.

gwynlas

Given that she is under the support of CAHMS are you receiving any support as her carer or are you having any joint sessions where you can raise these questions? Whilst it is important that your daughter matures and accepts responsibilities appropriate to her age these might have a different focus to those young women who do not have related episodes of anxiety and depression. In my opinion she should be assisting in all household chores, and in family pet care in order to mature sufficienty enough to take responsibilities for her own health and well being and undesirable teen behaviours discouraged. Saying that some never grow out of questionnable behaviour even when older with families of their own.

coconutcurls

gwynlas said:

Given that she is under the support of CAHMS are you receiving any support as her carer or are you having any joint sessions where you can raise these questions? Whilst it is important that your daughter matures and accepts responsibilities appropriate to her age these might have a different focus to those young women who do not have related episodes of anxiety and depression. In my opinion she should be assisting in all household chores, and in family pet care in order to mature sufficienty enough to take responsibilities for her own health and well being and undesirable teen behaviours discouraged. Saying that some never grow out of questionnable behaviour even when older with families of their own.

No, I am not receiving support from myself a part from benefits which I am grateful for. last week I tried to sign up for counselling through my workplace but was informed that my employer terminated the contract with the company that provides mental health support for employees. 
I have some catch ups with her therapist from time to time but I am working from home and with the school holidays there are no privacy to talk to her therapist and the things I want to say (rant)  would not be good for my daughter to listen to. She has stood behind doors ij the past to listen to my conversations about her.

She is mostly good with household when in the right mood and can sort out her own food when needed but the pet handling is stressful at the moment as we just got a new god who is very young. Although we have been planning for this for a very long time and she has watched countless hours of videos about training / dog psychology and has taken lots of notes and was supposed to be in charge of the training / cleaning, when comes to it, she gets overwhelmed and sometimes frustrated with the puppy who is a baby really. So of course I have taken over and now I can only hope that once the dog is a bit more grown and can go on walks etc, her attitude will also change, since having this dog a is a life time dream of hers.

I guess the question now is, would a 'normal' 15 year old be mature enough and expected to be in charge of a puppy regarding to training  / cleaning? It is clear that for my daughter the extra responsibility is weighting on her.

Am I asking too much?

Spendless

Hi

My daughter at 15 ended up under CAMHS for similar reasons and I have to say they weren't the most useful. I hope you're getting a better experience. I  can also identify with a lot of what you are saying. Now mine is 19 she's only really starting to process what happened to her and we didn't see any sign of this at all until she was 17 and school was behind her. Can I ask if she has also been assessed for additional needs? Mine once she turned an adult questioned if she had ADHD and it had been missed.  

We too got a dog, a puppy  just after her 16th birthday., . I would say don't leave all the training to her. A pup can be hard work. I'm guessing you mean very young if not old enough to go on walks yet.  Allocate tasks that are easier for her to do to start off with. Due to her issues your DD gets overwhelmed quicker than others her own age may do, so you need to take that into account. 

coconutcurls

Spendless said:

Hi

My daughter at 15 ended up under CAMHS for similar reasons and I have to say they weren't the most useful. I hope you're getting a better experience. I  can also identify with a lot of what you are saying. Now mine is 19 she's only really starting to process what happened to her and we didn't see any sign of this at all until she was 17 and school was behind her. Can I ask if she has also been assessed for additional needs? Mine once she turned an adult questioned if she had ADHD and it had been missed.  

We too got a dog, a puppy  just after her 16th birthday., . I would say don't leave all the training to her. A pup can be hard work. I'm guessing you mean very young if not old enough to go on walks yet.  Allocate tasks that are easier for her to do to start off with. Due to her issues your DD gets overwhelmed quicker than others her own age may do, so you need to take that into account. 

Thank you. 

Luckily CAMHS has been useful in our case and she is currently being assessed for aditional needs too. She thinks she has the former ADD what apparently now is called inatentive ADHD and she might be sonewhere in the spectrum for autism. It is mindowing how she seemed completely neurotyplical until puberty hit. 

Glad to know that there is a possibility for things to get better when she is older like your daughter. 
Wishing you and your daughter all the best. 

sheramber

Mine were responsible for keeping their own room clean and tidy. I did not go in it so if it was a mess only they and their friends saw it.

it was up to them to bring their washing down  on wash day. If they didn't they didn't have clean clothes or washed it themselves.

They did not have set household jobs. if I needed help with something I asked them. I never took it for granted .

IF they wanted extra pocket money they asked what they could do, such as clean the windows. 

Never expect a youngster to care for and train a puppy unless they have shown a strong affinity with having a dog. Puppies are hard work. It is like having a new baby in the house.
Very few have the commitment or the patience,  and pet care and training falls to the grown up.

15 year olds have other things they would rather do.

Your dog could live for 15 years. A long term commitment for anyone, never mind  a 15 year old.

coconutcurls

Spendless said:

Hi

My daughter at 15 ended up under CAMHS for similar reasons and I have to say they weren't the most useful. I hope you're getting a better experience. I  can also identify with a lot of what you are saying. Now mine is 19 she's only really starting to process what happened to her and we didn't see any sign of this at all until she was 17 and school was behind her. Can I ask if she has also been assessed for additional needs? Mine once she turned an adult questioned if she had ADHD and it had been missed.  

We too got a dog, a puppy  just after her 16th birthday., . I would say don't leave all the training to her. A pup can be hard work. I'm guessing you mean very young if not old enough to go on walks yet.  Allocate tasks that are easier for her to do to start off with. Due to her issues your DD gets overwhelmed quicker than others her own age may do, so you need to take that into account. 

Hi Spindles, is it okay if I private message you please?

Spendless

@coconutcurls - Yes of course.

wimbles345

We have a 15 year old that carries some similar traits. We ask that she is respectful of her space and things, ie. responsible for a weekly clean of her room, 'some' of her ironing and walking the dog for at least 10 minutes everyday when she gets in from school. Walking the dog gives her the opportunity to decompress after school. She's always noticably different when getting back from the walk! Overall we tend to ask her what sort of jobs she'd most like to do.

Great question and some of the ideas are really useful. 

CalJo99

She is also over sensitive so I have to thread super carefully to not trigger a "low" episode.
**

Hmm, red flag to my mind. Be very careful not to 'indulge' that aspect of her, or she'll soon discover that when she wants to get out of something she just has to claim she's 'sensitive' to it, and 'go low' etc. The moment you find yourself egg-shelling around her is a sign that you are treading dangerously.

I wouldn't advocate 'tough love' (too tough!), but all children (whatever their situation), need 'firm love'.

You have to be prepared to stand your ground, and make it clear that however 'low' she goes, the responsibilities assigned to her will still be waiting to be completed. She doesn't get out of them.

I have a niece who was always, always, always allowed to play the 'poor me!' card - she's now middle aged and still evades her responsibilities when she feels like it....

Depressives can be highly manipulative - possibly not consciously, but it does them no good. The aim is for her to 'heal', not to continue as is - beware of 'secondary gratification' where she gets a degree of 'benefit' from being depressive.

Self focus is not the same as self- analysis - it becomes a spiral inwards and downwards if not carefully limited.

As for anxiety, start with little goals for her to achieve, and lots of praise and reinforcement as she completes them, and gains confidence in her own abilities.

But it sounds like she's doing not too badly from what you say. Can you 'team up' with her in respect of the puppy-care, so she is 'apprenticed' to you, and you are chief 'puppy-handler'? Having another being to think about, and focus on, other than herself, must surely, surely be good for her? Playing with the puppy is good too - they are such happy chappies, and it's infectious. It's great that she is so interested in animal welfare, a really good sign, but starting to put a little bit of it into practice may be what she needs now. Can she have 'one task' perhaps in terms of the puppy care (ie, as well as playtime?)

Teenage is difficult whatever the circumstances, but sometimes it is a case of 'getting over heavy ground lightly'. I don't say to deny her issues, but not to 'big them up' either (even if she wants you to)(especially if she wants you too).

Depression is a pig, an utter pig. The four 'self-help' ways to fight back are:

- getting outdoors (nicer in spring!) (fresh air etc)
- exercise (any kind, solitary is fine if she can't face others) - gets the endorphins running
- caring for others (eg, the dog) (or raising money for a charity of some kind?)
- keeping a gratitude diary (listing all the good things in her life - like a loving, caring mum. And a puppy!)


Healing won't be fast, or instant, or easy, but slowly, slowly, slowly she can emerge from the dark shadows clouding her life now. She has all to live for! 

sheramber

As for anxiety, start with little goals for her to achieve, and lots of praise and reinforcement as she completes them, and gains confidence in her own abilities.

Unfortunately, that does not work for my grandson.

Any praise is interpreted as saying what he did before was not good enough.