MY DAUGHTER'S DILEMMA

Choirgrl

Linton said:

Her GF is old and possibly lonely.  I suggest she makes the effort to keep in contact with him which could be benefical for both of them. 

Or it could be emotionally harmful and hurtful to the OP’s daughter. Just because someone is old it doesn’t mean that they are nice, and loneliness can be the natural consequence of past behaviour.

OP, another vote from me for your daughter doing what she thinks is right with regard to contact and ignoring the emotional blackmail. In her shoes, I’d respond along the lines of “I’d never dream of having any financial expectations of you and would always expect you to to leave your money in whatever way you wanted to.”

Marcon

Tattycat6 said:

My daughter (30 yrs) is an only child and her father died in 2007 when she was 15.  He had no other children.  We were divorced when he died.  

Her paternal G'pa (93 yrs and a widower) has telephoned her and said words to the effect that if she doesn't keep in better contact with the family, he will not include her in his will (as she is at present), not sure what share of his estate she is due to get.

He has one daughter who is still alive (four children, all grown up) and had another son who died in 2018 (one child 16 yrs).

I feel this is emotional blackmail and he either leaves her something in his will or he doesn't.  I accept that this is his choice.

She had a very difficult relationship with her father who did not financially support her when we divorced.  Both of us have had a somewhat difficult relationship with her father's family.

She really feels she has nothing in common with G'pa, she never knows what to say to him on the rare occasions that she speaks to him.  She doesn't live near him so can't just pop by for a cup of tea.

I feel that if now she starts telephoning him on a weekly basis, he will then just think she is doing it to remain in his will.

The words 'I feel....' keep cropping up in your post. Surely it's for your 30 year old daughter to make her own decisions?

Tattycat6 said:

I would rather she was left nothing if that is how he feels.  I could tell him a lot of things about her father that he doesn't know about but I won't.

What do you think?

I think you should let your daughter decide what she wants to do. You might prefer her to be left nothing, but she may have very different views. Leave well alone - good intentions rarely end well!

Pollycat

What does your daughter think?
She's an adult.

There is no inheritance until someone dies.
As someone up-thread has said, the majority of any money may be spent on care home fees.
He may decide to marry a 16 year old cheerleader.
He may change his will and leave everything to PDSA (other charities are available).

I would not be blackmailed into keeping in touch with anyone on any promise of money in the future.

TBagpuss

I think it is up to her.

She could chose to send him postcards or short letters, and the ocassional photo, if she wanted to, perhaps if she feels 'he hasn't ever really been there for me but he's old, probably lonely, and  it wouldn't take much effort on my part ' or she may feel 'I barely know him, wasn't expecting any inheritance, and don't want to do more than I already do, and if he decides that means I get nothing so be it'

I think that if she is actively asking your advice then you can sugget that she considers how she feels and will feel. For instnace, even though she doesn't know him well, is she likely to feel any regrets if he dies on bad terms or without her having made the effort?
Does she have any interest in learning any more (in which case she coul d consider writeing or calling and asking her to share memories of her dad as a child)

If neither applies and she doesn't want to do more than she's doing already then you can reassure her that it is OK for her to not be interested / willingto spend more time with him / speak to him more often, and that the blood relationshio doesn't mean that she owes him anything in terms of attention, or that he owes her anything in erms of any inheritance. 

(Since you mention that you don't have the best relationship with that side of her family, it may be helpful for her, if you also explicitly reassure her that he is part of her extended family nad so if she wants to or choses to get to know him and his family better that that is totally OK and shes should not feel that she is being in any way disloyal to you, or that you would be upset. )

Tattycat6

Thank you to everyone who replied to my post.  It was much appreciated.  My daughter has decided that she will continue as she was - not contacting her G'pa any more frequently but not contacting him less frequently.  If she does get an inheritance that will be lovely but, if she doesn't, she will definitely get an inheritance from me and my family.  It is unfortunate that his comments have made both of us think again about the past problems with her father and her father's family which we had tried to lay to rest.

Sandtree

Your daughter is a 30 year old adult and should be making her own decisions about how much contact she wants with other people. 

If she does choose to speak to her grandparents then she should be telling them to enjoy their monies (or marrying an 18 year old cheerleader) rather than planning for inheritances. 

Malthusian

Pollycat said:

He may decide to marry a 16 year old cheerleader.

He'd have to move to Alabama first (or wherever the cheerleader does her cartwheeling) as the legal age for marriage in the UK was raised to 18 a few months ago.

p00hsticks

Malthusian said:

Pollycat said:

He may decide to marry a 16 year old cheerleader.

He'd have to move to Alabama first (or wherever the cheerleader does her cartwheeling) as the legal age for marriage in the UK was raised to 18 a few months ago.

You wouldn't have to go quite that far - it was raised to18 in England and Wales, but remains 16 in scotland, so a quick trip to Gretna Green is all that's required.

Mojisola

Sandtree said:

Your daughter is a 30 year old adult and should be making her own decisions about how much contact she wants with other people.

I'm more than twice that age but I still ask people for advice if I need to. 

Other people have had different experiences to me and their wisdom is worth listening to.

Pollycat

Malthusian said:

Pollycat said:

He may decide to marry a 16 year old cheerleader.

He'd have to move to Alabama first (or wherever the cheerleader does her cartwheeling) as the legal age for marriage in the UK was raised to 18 a few months ago.

I think the odds of that happening is less than the odds of winning the euro lottery...