MY DAUGHTER'S DILEMMA

Tattycat6

My daughter (30 yrs) is an only child and her father died in 2007 when she was 15.  He had no other children.  We were divorced when he died.  

Her paternal G'pa (93 yrs and a widower) has telephoned her and said words to the effect that if she doesn't keep in better contact with the family, he will not include her in his will (as she is at present), not sure what share of his estate she is due to get.

He has one daughter who is still alive (four children, all grown up) and had another son who died in 2018 (one child 16 yrs).

I feel this is emotional blackmail and he either leaves her something in his will or he doesn't.  I accept that this is his choice.

She had a very difficult relationship with her father who did not financially support her when we divorced.  Both of us have had a somewhat difficult relationship with her father's family.

She really feels she has nothing in common with G'pa, she never knows what to say to him on the rare occasions that she speaks to him.  She doesn't live near him so can't just pop by for a cup of tea.

I feel that if now she starts telephoning him on a weekly basis, he will then just think she is doing it to remain in his will.

I would rather she was left nothing if that is how he feels.  I could tell him a lot of things about her father that he doesn't know about but I won't.

What do you think?

shiraz99

Honestly, I wouldn't succumb to the emotional blackmail and just carry on with her life as normal. TBH, I never expected anything from any of my grandparent's estates when they died many years ago, I don't expect most grandchildren would.

Claddagh_Noir

Personally, I think your daughter should not bother with her grandad emotionally blackmailing her,she should literally cut her losses.   She has coped thus far in life without a relationship with him.  I agree with what you say that if she suddenly establishes a relationship with him, grandad will think it's all under false pretences, it sounds like she is damned if she does damned if she doesn't.

How does your daughter feel about all of this? I hope it has not damaged her emotionally and brought up raw feelings about the relationship with her now late father and the remainder of that side of the family.  I would not dredge up the things about her dad, you will lower yourself to the paternal grandad's level and her dad is not here to defend or explain himself.  I am not condoning what he has done to you and your daughter (whatever that may be).  

What the grandad has done is low though.  I have a feeling that if your daughter did want to be a beneficiary of the will, there will be some contesting of his will with his other daughter / her aunt and other paternal relatives.  Inheritence issues usually brings out the worst in people.

Mojisola

Tattycat6 said:

I feel this is emotional blackmail and he either leaves her something in his will or he doesn't.  I accept that this is his choice.

It's really down to your daughter but there's no guarantee that she will be named in the will that is current when he dies or that there will be any money to share out if he ends up in residential care.

I would be thinking along the same lines as you - what might be now an expected regular phonecall could easily become more demanding, despite the physical distance between them - is she going to give in at each stage in order to protect a possible inheritance?

If I was her and really wanted to burn the bridges between that side of the family, I'd say 'My Dad didn't financially support me so I wasn't expecting his father to do so either'.

elsien

It’s not a dilemma at all. If she wants a relationship with her father’s side of the family she should have one. If she doesn’t then she shouldn’t.  Money doesn’t come into it.


You don’t force yourself to phone someone in the hope there will be some money at the end of it. That’s just wrong. 

Flugelhorn

elsien said:

It’s not a dilemma at all. If she wants a relationship with her father’s side of the family she should have one. If she doesn’t then she shouldn’t.  Money doesn’t come into it.


You don’t force yourself to phone someone in the hope there will be some money at the end of it. That’s just wrong. 

totally agree - relationships should be detached from money. I had similar, assumed that I would be left out of the will and it would all go to my kids or the cats home, in the end the threatener tends not to go through with what they say, costs money to do a new will etc etc.

Brie

She could make the conversation completely one sided.  Sending postcards every couple of weeks. That way she wouldn't be subjected to any more emotional blackmail.

But only if she wants to.  

Linton

The money is irrelevent, ignore the blackmail implication. Her GF is old and possibly lonely.  I suggest she makes the effort to keep in contact with him which could be benefical for both of them.  However right at the start she should make it clear to him  that she does not want to be a beneficiary.

Twixty3

Your daughter is all grown up and she should be as blunt as he was and politely tell the grandfather that tying contact to money is making her very uncomfortable as she has had  no expectations whatsoever and that it makes things so much more awkward now.  Then it’s totally up to her if she continues contact or not and totally up to him what he does with his money.  

I would not get into what his dead son did or did not do at all.  

Deep down it may have been a very foolish way to show he wanted contact. 

theoretica

'If she doesn't keep in contact with the family' - are they keeping in contact with her?  If they send her Christmas cards she might as well send some back.  Or is she ignoring calls?  If they/he aren't making any effort then expecting her to shoulder the emotional burden of keeping in touch seems very unfair and I would be tempted to explain that!

Sea_Shell

What sort of relationship did she have with her G'Dad before and immediately after her dad died.   Did he try and was rejected?

A relationship is a two way thing...but if they were never close to start with, I doubt a 15 yr old would take the initiative to build a relationship from scratch. 

What's his motivation suddenly?   Loneliness?   Or is he wanting more practical help (care/chores etc)?