Step grandchild

Shelldean

Ok going against the grain here!

My daughter married her husband who already has an older child.
They also have a child together.

S-I-L is in older child's life and has fought tooth and nail to be there.
Child lives a very long way from us...four hours each way  drive, but dad goes every other weekend to see child and has child for visits in our area during school holidays.

Mother of older child has stated very clearly my daughter will NEVER be a step mother to her child. And therefore by extension us as step grandparents.
Child has asked me about this and due to knowing how his mother feels I gently told him he has enough grandparents but I would always be here for him and always be his friend!

Mother of older child has also tried to use her child to gain ££ and has been known to sell items of value.

So for his birthday and Christmas I send a token amount in a card, so he knows we haven't forgotten him. I also purchase items that will remain at daughters and son in law's house. But I look after younger child five days a week, so obviously more is spent on them. So unfortunately they are not treated equally by us.

When we are all together, when he visits or when we go away together, he is treated identically to his younger sibling, if not better by us. And by better I mean for example in an arcade. Where for him £1 is one game but the same £1 will last younger child much longer on penny falls. So he usually is given more

I am part of a huge  blended family as sister and I have different fathers.
And then my daughter was from a previous relationship but brought up by my second husband. And his family have always accepted her as a family member and treated her equally.
And my ex mother in law treats my children from second marriage as her granchildren!! 

So for me It's actually really difficult to act this way as it goes against the grain, but I absolutely refuse to send money or gifts that older child's mother will use or take.

ZaSa1418

As long as they are all treated the same when they are together the other times don't really matter. 

MalMonroe

Threebabes said:

Thank you.

We will be definitely treating the 3 grandchildren the same.

I will see about savings account but leaning towards getting step grandchild one too. 

You have contradicted yourself here. ^^  Please try leaning a bit harder.

Treating them all the same means you should get them ALL savings accounts. No question.

Although you are in the grandparent phase now, please try putting yourself in the 'step grandchild's' shoes. It'd be really helpful for the family, I think, if you could try to stop referring to her as a 'step'.

That child has had quite enough upheaval in her young life already. It doesn't matter how many other relatives she has on how many 'sides', it'd be heartbreaking for her to see her half-siblings receiving more favourable treatment from anyone. You have to think always of the child. And act like adults and treat all your grandchildren exactly the same. Children do respond very quickly to love and affection. And they are also very perceptive when it comes to adults not treating them the same.

It doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks, and we are just a bunch of total strangers here. Just welcome and love that child because she deserves it and her life's going to be even more upturned when those twins actually arrive.

Enjoy them all. Treat them exactly the same. And please drop that 'step' asap.

MalMonroe

HampshireH said:

If you want to open accounts personally I would only do that for the twins.

I would however treat the step grandchild the same for birthdays /Xmas/days out etc.

No. That's awful. I could never do such a thing. All or nothing. And I would drop that 'step' immediately.

MalMonroe

Longwalker said:

Im a step grandparent - step daughter has three of her own

He husband has two from a previous relationship

As far as I and her father are concerned, they are all our grandchildren, even though we dont see much of his, if they hear Dad and  Step Mum are coming for the weekend and they fancy a break as well - they come along and are equally welcomed. Indeed one of his children pops in regular 

We dont have money to be opening accounts , but all will be looked after when we pop off - equally 

That's a lovely attitude. As it should be. And you don't need money. Love's enough. As you've proved.

MalMonroe

theoretica said:

Also - talk to your son and partner!  What will be fairest and most appreciated by the family may depend on the stepgrandchild's other family.  Does that child already have a large savings account, lots of presents and fairness in balancing it out would focus on the twins, or do they have nothing and no contact?

But none of that matters. The child should be treated the same, no matter what she may already have or not have. Or whatever contact anyone has or doesn't have. Talking material possessions is futile. That child, whose life has probably been upturned more than we know, needs and deserves love. Not money. But she also deserves to be treated exactly the same as her siblings, with or without talking to the son and partner. Anything else is going to cause her to resent those babies and it'd be quite understandable if adults can't actually act grown up.

Username03725

MalMonroe said:

theoretica said:

Also - talk to your son and partner!  What will be fairest and most appreciated by the family may depend on the stepgrandchild's other family.  Does that child already have a large savings account, lots of presents and fairness in balancing it out would focus on the twins, or do they have nothing and no contact?

But none of that matters. The child should be treated the same, no matter what she may already have or not have. Or whatever contact anyone has or doesn't have. Talking material possessions is futile. That child, whose life has probably been upturned more than we know, needs and deserves love. Not money. But she also deserves to be treated exactly the same as her siblings, with or without talking to the son and partner. Anything else is going to cause her to resent those babies and it'd be quite understandable if adults can't actually act grown up.

It needs to be discussed openly with them, esp as the children mature into young adults. It's easy to envisage a situation where the step-child's biological family are very well off and the new family less so, and the need to set it all out in a will concentrates the mind a bit. 

E.g... Child A is the biological child of the new family unit, Child B is the step child with wealthy parents, or parent singular maybe. The natural inclination is to give both children an equal split of their share of the estate on the parents' death, but that can mean child A  & B both get half of an estate worth say a house & cash, let's say half a million, but child B will at some point also get a share of his parent's estate, leaving him significantly better off. The fair solution is to hope that Child B's biological parents die first so that it's then known how to arrive at a fairer settlement. Treating them equally can mean the step child (B) ending up with significantly more.

Shelldean

Oh and I agree with several other posters drop the "step"

We in our blended family never use it.

I only use it in my post as older child's mother uses it all the time when referring to my daughter!

Martin_the_Unjust

Bottom line, all the children n the relationship are your grandchildren, you should treat them as such.

Mollypolly1956

I think this is really hard. 

I am Nanny to four children. Two are my daughters boys and the other two are her partners. They all live together and so are treated the same when at home.
However. Daughters eldest boy spends every other weekend at his dads.
Partners two children spend weekends at their mums.
Daughters youngest boy does not see his dad at all and calls her partner Dad. Although he knows he is not his biological dad.
So a problem arises most weekends as my daughters youngest boy is left with mum and dad while the others go off having things bought for them from other parents. They also have extra grand parents who buy for them.

It was sad on Christmas day when three of them went off at teatime for their Christmas number two and he was left at home. 

I ended up doing him a second Christmas at my house so he didn't feel left out. In fact I think he felt quite special. And the other three didn't bother as they were having fun at their other parents.

So no, I don't think it is as easy as just saying treat them all the same in blended families.

Every family is different and so is every child's circumstances.

Mollypolly xx