Pushed away by my depressed partner

amy125

Me and my parter have a loving affection relationship, however she suffers from mental health, feeling what she describes as anxious, down, low and dark. Some times she is happy and fine then the next day it can all change. Recently she has went into a dark place feeling low and anxious and being withdrawn. It has been nearly 4 weeks now and it is having in impact on our relationship. I am trying my best to be there for her and understand but she doesn’t seem to want much to do with me. We haven’t been intimate and she does not want to kiss or cuddle me or have any affection and is very quiet around me. I have said it feels like she doesn’t want to be with me anymore and if that is the case I would just like her to be honest and go separate ways but she says she wants to be with me and loves me but then continues to not show me any kind of love or effort in speaking much to me. I have told her it’s really starting to get me down as well but I’m also trying to be understanding of her situation. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I just don’t understand why we can’t even cuddle as she doesn’t want to and doesn’t feel lovey as she describes it. I don’t know what I can do anymore. 

comeandgo

Having been in your partners position a few years ago the last thing I wanted was anyone cuddling or touching me.  Give her space and just wait it out, it’s only 4 weeks.

littlegreenparrot

I have had this in the past with my husband. 

One of the many hard things to understand about it is that it actually does not have anything to do with you. It was not because of me, and I couldn't do anything to fix it. All I could do was make it clear that I was there when he needed me. As time has gone on both he and I have got better at managing these episodes when they happen. 

You just need to give it time, additional pressure is the last thing she needs. And try not to expect an explanation, it can be very difficult to articulate exactly why, or if anything would help. 

TripleH

I have days when I seem to switch into a different person. Sometimes they last a day, sometimes longer.

I can think in a completely irrational way and for me there is not much I can do to stop these mood swings. It might relate to my epilepsy, but am not sure.

They do end, that's all I can say.

rincha

You say that you and your partner have a loving and affectionate relationship and that you support her long term illness. Then why are you questioning the entire relationship after 4 weeks?!? 

If she also questioning the entire relationship or is she concentrating on trying to recover from her bad spell? 

Maybe give her the space she needs to heal 

Penguin_

I sympathise with both your & your other half on this.

When I was struggling, my world felt like it was void of colour & I just wanted to curl up in a ball until it passed. Granted sometimes this lasted a day but sometimes it would last weeks. I know you want to help but all you can really do is making sure the basics such as hygiene, food, water etc are being met. I was a stubborn !!!!!! when I was down, it was like there was nothing that could be done & I would go a couple of days without eating. My OH noticed a change in me if she could get me outside on a walk somewhere as I would talk then.

Could be worth trying a little walk somewhere?

sheramber

is your partner getting help for her mental health?

diystarter7

At times there is a route cause of al this stuff. It is up to you to find out best as you can. Once you have done that, things will move forward one way or another.

If there is no real underlying cause, EG, probs at work, family woes, cheating, money, bullying, etc, etc - exercise, going out for walks even in dull weather helps IMO.

Get them to see GP

ASk them if they want to talk to family or what can you do to make it easier.

I noted my OH was feeling so-called depressed, but there was a reason behind it - we are working on it. TBH, I'm working on it as I love her more.

We are all different and what works for one poss not work for the other.

Ask her if she wants to go away by herself, etc that will give you an idea of where you are. At times a chat with mum/dad if possible may help both people in the relationship.

Seek gp advice and as stated as above.

I feel for you.

confused30000

I feel I am going through something similar:

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6363677/undiagnosed-mental-health-issues

As others have said, your partner's lack of affection is unlikely to be about you, hard as that is. Others have asked if your partner is getting help already, and it's hard without knowing all the details, but you just have to try and be there for her. I do know it can be hard and frustrating though.

HRH_MUngo

I agree with others, it is nothing to do with you.  It's all to do with the horrible dark place that she is in at the moment.

Just give her time and support her through it.

london21

Try to communicate with her and see if there is anything you can do to help.