Pushed away by my depressed partner

elsien

There doesn’t have to be a trigger for clinical depression. For some people there are environmental or other triggers. For others it’s out of the blue and hits them like a bus.
Struggling to get through the day, just getting out of bed or cleaning your teeth can be an achievement and as good as that day is going to get. Talking and affection are way down the list. 

What help is she getting for her mental health? 

T.T.D

All I can say OP is that right now don’t take it personal even though you think it feels that way, it’s a hidden disability that affects lots of us sometimes some people are unaware or in denial of it and this too is part of the disability.

If your partner is “cycling” in mood, happy for a few weeks, sad for a few weeks, hyper some weeks and impulsive etc and her temperament and personality starts to cross boundaries then keep records let her know you are doing this (when she is on even keel of mindness) because it helps to find support for you both, it helps a lot when you as the grounded member of the relationship to keep records on her personality and how and when it is changing, how her mood changes how they change what she does that isn’t natural to her behaviour the show this to the GP/psychiatrist if the GP warrants a referral. 

Guilt is the worse thing in world for someone going through a “dark patch” reassure her that your un-affected, re-assure her she has done nothing to offend or disappoint you and that what ever this is your both going to fight it out figure it out together, when she’s ready to and on an even keel of mindset, ask her if she would like to book a GP appointment to see what options there are in looking for guidance and support for you both (don’t say help it’s sounds as though your singling out she’s the problem, don’t forget your in it together).

Have you ever heard of NLP  (Neuro-linguistic therapy)? 

diystarter7

As usual and understandably at times the OP does not come back after their initial post but may read but as importantly, others reading some of the comments may help them.
Again, wise words from  T.T.D
Thank you.

pickledonionspaceraider

amy125 said:

Me and my parter have a loving affection relationship, however she suffers from mental health, feeling what she describes as anxious, down, low and dark. Some times she is happy and fine then the next day it can all change. Recently she has went into a dark place feeling low and anxious and being withdrawn. It has been nearly 4 weeks now and it is having in impact on our relationship. I am trying my best to be there for her and understand but she doesn’t seem to want much to do with me. We haven’t been intimate and she does not want to kiss or cuddle me or have any affection and is very quiet around me. I have said it feels like she doesn’t want to be with me anymore and if that is the case I would just like her to be honest and go separate ways but she says she wants to be with me and loves me but then continues to not show me any kind of love or effort in speaking much to me. I have told her it’s really starting to get me down as well but I’m also trying to be understanding of her situation. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I just don’t understand why we can’t even cuddle as she doesn’t want to and doesn’t feel lovey as she describes it. I don’t know what I can do anymore. 

Hi there @amy125

Reading this it is obvious you are going through some tough times and by the time you read this - I hope the worst of this has passed.

First of all - my honest take is that it seems that you are somehow making this about you and your relationship.  The situation is about her, not you...... (although I see how much this is affecting you too - but my point being that you are not the cause or the reason)  Try not to take this all so personally

What you have said to her 'I have said it feels like she doesn’t want to be with me anymore and if that is the case I would just like her to be honest and go separate ways' -   This is prob one of the worst thing you could have said to her

You projecting and forcing the issue to your own timescale and this is likely to be exacerbating the situation - as by saying this, you are throwing the grenade of *guilt* plus the minefield of *insecurity* into the mix.  What I mean by projecting is it seems that YOU feel insecure (due to this situation) and she may not have felt insecure in your relationship until those words were said

Plus the unsaid vibe that you are getting fed up of the lack of intimacy and are thinking of having it on your toes so you have heightened her anxiety and brought insecurities into your relationship.  You cannot use passive aggressive threats on anxiety and expect that to suddenly make it better - those words are worsening the situation.

I know this sounds harsh and it isn't meant to be.  I can only speak from my own experiences- have been where your girlfriend is - and I will tell you there is not always a reason - sometimes a person has ill mental health due to an anxiety disorder or a chemical imbalance - so there may not be a reason and she may be trying to figure that out herself right now, so she cannot bring someone else into it, cos she may not even know herself to put it into words

When someone withdraws, it is when they are struggling the most - fighting an unseen battle in their heads.  Don't expect intimacy when a person is like this because it will only lead to resentment on either side - a person really does feel empty at times and has no intimacy to share

If she is willing to seek help, maybe you can help guide her on this.  If you support her now, she will never forget the love you have shown - but it will not be easy, I know - especially as this may be reoccurring.

Sometimes it is extremely difficult just keeping your own head above water, and unable to help keep someone else bobbing along

I do hope things are bit better now

Lavendyr

Something I'd add to the other posts here is that it is incredibly hard to be the partner of a depressed individual and you need your own support network. It is impossible to support someone in need if you are not supported yourself. When I was in this situation I was effectively denied any support network other than professionals because my then-suicidal partner would not let me talk to anyone about his situation. I really struggled and felt very cut off and isolated.