Undiagnosed mental health issues

confused30000

Hi all. Using a throwaway account here to maintain some privacy. I think I just need to rant and get this down while it’s in my head so apologies if this goes on too long. Also, I’m aware the below will likely make me seem selfish, uncaring and lacking understanding, which I guess is why it feels easier talking about it here than with any family or friends. 

I’m 38, and have been married to my wife (also 38) for eight years, but we've actually been together since 19. We have two children, aged 8 and 5. 

My wife has always suffered from anxiety, mood swings, stress - none of it diagnosed, but she freely admits to these things. She used to be in a busy, stressful job which she disliked, and the lockdowns of recent years made her feel worse and added to the things she worried about (our children missing out on school time, the effect on them of everything etc). 

Least year we were talking and she said she feels worried and anxious, with a thightness in her chest, pretty much all the time. Work was a big part of it but it wasn’t anything specific, even about the job. She says she just worries about everything constantly. 

I suggested that if she feels like that all the time, maybe it was time to seek professional help and just have a chat with the doctor. She shut it down immediately, saying she didn't see the point, they'd just think she was stupid, she didn't want medication, she didn't want anyone thinking she was incapable. I said I understood all that, and explained why I thought those worries were unfounded (I tried to be sensitive), but she still said she would never get professional help, even if I explicitly asked her to. It feels like the pressure is on me to always be positive and try and bring her out of these moods – indeed, at one point she has even said she needs me to stay upbeat and positive for her regardless of how I’m feeling. 

She has since left the stressful job (and profession) she was in, and managed to get a part time job that she likes and that doesn’t require any work outside of her contracted hours. While this has helped to some degree, she still states that the feelings of worry and dread are still with her and that at times, she wishes she could ‘just leave her body for a while to get away from it’. 

I have done my own research and her symptoms seem to marry up with Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD). Last week, after a few days of particularly pronounced mood swings on her part, I asked her to sit down with me and read the online information about GAD. She acknowledged it sounded just like her symptoms, and that she looks to me to solve things when I realistically can’t, but my suggestion again that seeking professional help might be a good idea were met with resistance. 

Here’s the bit I dislike myself for - I now find myself getting annoyed with her moods, when she shuts down or snaps at me and the children. She rants at me at times (not always I must stress), and occasionally swears at me in a way she would never tolerate if I did. 

She always apologises and acknowledges she can be unfair, but after but after all these years it starts to get tiresome and doesn't do my mental health any favours. 

This morning, for example, as she left for work I was sitting finishing a coffee on the sofa. As she leaves, I’m normally all done with breakfast and see her off at the door with a kiss and a ‘have a good day!’ Today we were running a bit late so I hadn’t finished my drink so we kissed and said goodbye as I was sat down instead of at the door. As she was leaving I sensed something was off and she said I had really upset her by not coming to the door, that she could do without me ‘being weird’ and stormed off. 

Reading that back it sounds minor to me, and is an example of how things I think nothing of become big deals that cause tension between us. Again, I must stress this doesn’t happen all the time but is something I feel looms over us. 

At my worst, I find myself thinking if she isn't willing to help herself (and the rest of us by proxy), why should I bother? I know seeking mental health is a big step, it might not even work and it takes bravery, but it also feels everything is on me to solve and that I can never put a foot wrong. As a result, and I feel terrible for saying it, I lose patience when she complains about the feelings of stress/dread/sadness with no specific cause. 

I’m sorry this is such a long post and I don’t even think I’m expecting anything to come of it. I just wanted to get things down as they swirl around my mind this morning.

Scorpio33

Hi,

Well done for posting, it is obviously needed - even just to get off your chest.

To a certain extent I can empathise with your wife so bear with me.

For me, within a week my wife left me, I was made redundant, and in the same year, both my grandparents died. This for me caused depression & anxiety (the two go hand and hand) and since then I have got help. Initially I didn't want to be on tablets, but after much badgering I got help and attended 1 to 1 counselling, then group counselling. It helped initially, but then I found I wasn't able to cope with stresses life gave me, I am now on low does tablets and they help me lead a normal life. I am happy.

The things that come to mind:

1. Anxiety is a mental illness. An illness. If you had a broken arm, you wouldn't hesitate to get help from the hospital. So why is it any different with mental health? She has an illness which can be treated.
2. You tend not to get the same level of understanding with a mental illness. All too much I was told just to be happy or snap out of it or be how I used to be. That doesn't help as its not something you can control - its akin to asking someone with a broken bone to get it healed quicker.
3. No matter what treatment you get, the anxiety doesn't go away, but you learn to deal with it better. Talking therapies give you techniques to approach things differently. The tablets tackle the chemical imbalance in your brain which help you cope easier.
4. Mental health help varies all over the county, so there may be a wait for talking therapies. 


What I would also say is that now I am pretty open about my issues, I was surprised by how many others also suffer. It is a normal thing that many people go through.


What I would say to you is that her anxiety is giving an anxious attachment type. This will only drive you away. But just like someone with an illness, you can choose to stand by her and help her through the illness, but the first step is her facing up to her issues (she is in denial right now). Only you know what your limit is, but look after yourself and make sure you do things for yourself too.

The biggest thing is to be completely open to her about how you are feeling. Talk to her even if she won't listen. 

sheramber

Would she go to the GP if you went with her? 

confused30000

Scorpio33 said:

1. Anxiety is a mental illness. An illness. If you had a broken arm, you wouldn't hesitate to get help from the hospital. So why is it any different with mental health? She has an illness which can be treated.
2. You tend not to get the same level of understanding with a mental illness. All too much I was told just to be happy or snap out of it or be how I used to be. That doesn't help as its not something you can control - its akin to asking someone with a broken bone to get it healed quicker.
3. No matter what treatment you get, the anxiety doesn't go away, but you learn to deal with it better. Talking therapies give you techniques to approach things differently. The tablets tackle the chemical imbalance in your brain which help you cope easier.
4. Mental health help varies all over the county, so there may be a wait for talking therapies. 

Thank you for your post, and I'm glad to hear you are doing well. You talk complete sense in your post.

My wife is adamant she wouldn't want to take medication and I completely understand that, and I think she is also cynical that talking therapy would help. When we've discussed it, I point to the example of my mother who suffered with anxiety a few years ago and found help via CBT, but I don't think it really convinces her. I think her main worry is that the GP would just dismiss her as needing to snap out of it. I hope that wouldn't be the case and I know there is such an emphasis on mental health support in society currently. 

Thank you again for your post, it is really helpful.

confused30000

sheramber said:

Would she go to the GP if you went with her? 

Thank you, good question and I don't know to be honest. I've said I would go with her, or not go with her, whatever she preferred. I think her fear is being put on medication, which she doesn't want, or being treated with cynicism or not getting any kind of help from the GP if she took the step to go. I'm not familiar with her particular GP surgery and how they are on mental health to talk with authority, but I know there are other options available.

Scorpio33

confused30000 said:

Scorpio33 said:

1. Anxiety is a mental illness. An illness. If you had a broken arm, you wouldn't hesitate to get help from the hospital. So why is it any different with mental health? She has an illness which can be treated.
2. You tend not to get the same level of understanding with a mental illness. All too much I was told just to be happy or snap out of it or be how I used to be. That doesn't help as its not something you can control - its akin to asking someone with a broken bone to get it healed quicker.
3. No matter what treatment you get, the anxiety doesn't go away, but you learn to deal with it better. Talking therapies give you techniques to approach things differently. The tablets tackle the chemical imbalance in your brain which help you cope easier.
4. Mental health help varies all over the county, so there may be a wait for talking therapies. 

Thank you for your post, and I'm glad to hear you are doing well. You talk complete sense in your post.

My wife is adamant she wouldn't want to take medication and I completely understand that, and I think she is also cynical that talking therapy would help. When we've discussed it, I point to the example of my mother who suffered with anxiety a few years ago and found help via CBT, but I don't think it really convinces her. I think her main worry is that the GP would just dismiss her as needing to snap out of it. I hope that wouldn't be the case and I know there is such an emphasis on mental health support in society currently. 

Thank you again for your post, it is really helpful.

My experience of GPs is that they take mental health very serious. They certainly won't tell her to snap out of it. The only thing I found is that their answer is usually to force you onto tablets, as there is usually long waits for talking therapies.

So I would try and say to her that if she doesn't think it will help, then what has she got to lose by trying? You can point out to her how her mental health is affecting you and your relationship and that getting help can't hurt. There is most likely a wait for talking therapies anyway, so even if she speaks to the doctor today, she most likely won't have to start for a few months anyway.

One of the things they gave me is access to an online CBT platform, where you do the modules at your own place (https://www.silvercloudhealth.com/uk/online-behavioral-health-solutions-for-nhs). Using that means you can do it all at home without seeing anyone and can go at your own pace.

Mojisola

confused30000 said:

My wife has always suffered from anxiety, mood swings, stress - none of it diagnosed, but she freely admits to these things.

I have done my own research and her symptoms seem to marry up with Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD). Last week, after a few days of particularly pronounced mood swings on her part, I asked her to sit down with me and read the online information about GAD. She acknowledged it sounded just like her symptoms, and that she looks to me to solve things when I realistically can’t, but my suggestion again that seeking professional help might be a good idea were met with resistance. 

Here’s the bit I dislike myself for - I now find myself getting annoyed with her moods, when she shuts down or snaps at me and the children. She rants at me at times (not always I must stress), and occasionally swears at me in a way she would never tolerate if I did. 

She always apologises and acknowledges she can be unfair, but after but after all these years it starts to get tiresome and doesn't do my mental health any favours. 

At my worst, I find myself thinking if she isn't willing to help herself (and the rest of us by proxy), why should I bother?

Don't dislike yourself - you are living with someone who acknowledges she has a problem but won't do anything to help herself - that's incredibly frustrating and it's normal to feel annoyed.

While your wife is resisting getting help, your well-being will be affected (as will your children's because they will be picking up on the problems in the home). 

Would you go for some counselling to work on protecting yourself and finding options on how to help your wife?  Would she be more amenable to getting help if she sees you going to a professional for advice?

Jude57

I wouldn't be so quick to diagnose a mental health issue until any physiological cause has been ruled out. A number of health conditions can strongly affect mood, untreated issues with the thyroid, other hormonal imbalances or undiagnosed diabetes are some that spring to mind. There could be any number of physical causes, many of which are easily treatable and not always with antidepressants. 

I'd be encouraging your wife to get a general health check, including blood tests, to see whether her physical or mental health is the issue and step away from Dr Google, tempting though it is.

OldMusicGuy

I have been in pretty much the same situation. My wife (who had a somewhat disturbed family life when younger) has always struggled with mood swings, feelings of inadequacy, anxiety and periods of depression. It's something we have struggled with over the years but we have stayed together (very glad we did). She has had a bit of counselling in the past but it didn't help and she did not want to try any meds (which were being suggested for when she felt down).

I happened to hear a programme on the radio with an autistic teenager talking about her life and I said to my wife it sounded just like her. She listened to the programme and has also heard a lot about autism recently, and felt she might be autistic. We privately funded a diagnosis with a specialist in adult autism. She was diagnosed as autistic, and also has chronic social anxiety and demand avoidance issues. She has lived with these challenges all her life (she is in her 60s).

Is she having any treatment or doing anything about it? No. She doesn't want CBT or any meds. But she found it very helpful to be diagnosed and understand why she feels the way she does. She now knows why she finds it so hard to feel "normal" and she doesn't beat herself up over it. We have both developed strategies to cope much more effectively.

So I would really try to encourage her to talk to professionals to at least get a diagnosis to understand more about why she feels the way she does. She doesn't have to have any therapy or meds if she doesn't want to but she may still end up in a better place after diagnosis. We did.

Finally, don't make the mistake of thinking this is her problem alone. It might not be. Very few people are "normal". You may also have some mental health issues yourself which make you less tolerant of her. The reason I say this is that I likely have an undiagnosed personality disorder, which means I am less tolerant of some of her behaviours than other people would be. So I have had to learn about myself and understand my weaknesses as well so that we can work out the best way of navigating potential challenges together.

A possible starting point is to take one of the online "Big Five" personality tests to understand more about who you are and why you feel and act the way you do. My son studied psychology and suggested we all take these as a family, and we found it very interesting. It sounds like you are going down that path with the GAD research. Getting a formal diagnosis of that may help your wife (and you) accept it and develop coping strategies.

I'll open up and say that I am pretty sure I have obsessive compulsive personality disorder. Most people wouldn't see it as a disorder, because I am incredibly organised, tidy and efficient. But it means I get stressed when I don't feel in control. Until I read about this disorder, I could never understand why I disliked travelling to new places, especially abroad. And this is not a good personality for a partner who is demand avoidant! Until we both understood about our personality traits, this was a cause of friction. Now we can discuss how to remove this friction by both making some simple changes.  

Best of luck. 

KxMx

I can offer you my understanding because I live my Mum who has been suffering from worsening mental health, I've been to hell and back myself over it almost to the point where I needed mental health support! 

She was in denial for the first 6 months so I felt I had to play along, after that she slowly acknowledged the extent of her problems but only to me and a friend, not GP or mental health services. 

She has made some efforts to get help, GP said no to medication, use third party services, who are all overstretched and either don't respond or are downright unhelpful.

However by not admitting the extent of her issues she isn't being triaged appropriately for help and I don't think she is making enough effort overall. 

I've learned as hard as it is I need to be blunt about it to her and harden my heart against the situation, I can guide and offer advice but ultimately she has to either want to get better or admit to the medical profession the extent of her illness. 

Until she does that I cannot help more and I need to not make myself ill over a situation I cannot do any more for. It's very difficult and I don't always succeed, but most of the time I can to an extent switch off from it. 

I did find in real life slowly opening up to friends & other family a big help, even if it was in small ways at first. They not only agreed with my take on the situation but gave me an outlet for ME instead of everything being about my Mum. 

I'm also moving out next week, which I appreciate probably isn't an option you. 

SensibleSarah

Agree with some others that she probably needs to speak to her GP, but could she potentially be perimenopausal too, as this could be making things worse? I know that in my late 30s, I started to experience mood swings, very irrational anger etc that came from nowhere, along with some anxiety. I thought I was going a bit mad to be honest. Turns out that my hormones were going a bit crazy due to entering perimenopause.
It seems that your wife sees mental health issues as some kind of weakness (which is very common) and doesn't want to speak to a doc about it for that reason - do you think it might be a different story if there could be at least a partial physical health issue like hormone imbalance? Could potentially be worth discussing it with your wife at least.