Undiagnosed mental health issues

sheramber

if she won't  take medication and or have talking therapy  have you asked her what would help her?

My DIL was advised by her GP to take time to meditate each day.

There are online videos   on youtube to help you.

confused30000

Thank you to everyone who has replied to this - I quoted some questions and suggestions and responded to them but the reply seemed to get lost!

In a nutshell, I would definitely be up for seeking help myself if that helped her (over the last couple of years with lockdowns etc my mental health has certainly not been perfect). There could indeed be other physical causes but she has felt like this on and off for years and nothing physical has been flagged before, but that doesn't mean it isn't possible of course.

Today seems a much better day, but we'll see how it goes and I'll keep trying to make sure she knows I am there for her.

bouicca21

I have a friend with anxiety issues - which from time to time become so severe that he can’t function at all.  His GP was of limited help. He found a local support organisation and through them got in touch with a private CBT practitioner.  It hasn’t taken the anxiety away, or worked out what the triggers are. Nor has it given him a label to pin on it (though given his own and his family medical history, I think mild autism is a possibility) but it has given him a set of strategies to help manage it.  

confused30000

Thank you again to everyone who responded to this. I think this has become my safe place to note down my thoughts and frustrations in a place where nobody knows my wife or I, which is quite helpful!

The last couple of days have been a bit strained and I don't know why. My wife is currently quite distant with me (although not really the children) - not unfriendly per se, but there is a lack of affection and that feeling that something is a bit 'off'. My question of if something is wrong is dismissed or ignored. My question of if I had done something wrong to annoy her was met with a snapped response demanding what about her behaviour was making me think that, and that she was being perfectly fine with me.

I suspect she is feeling generally low and now feels I don't care because I have told her I feel powerless to help and I think she needs some professional support. I worry this will just lead to her not talking to me at all, yet still not seeking help, so the worst of all worlds.

I also snapped at the children this morning, as they will not stop arguing with each other, and I have regretted it all day. Overall, not a 100% nice atmosphere in the house and I guess I am feeling a bit sorry for myself. 

Feel free to tell me to snap out of it, because I know in the grand scheme of things it isn't so bad!

Scorpio33

Just a thought (and forgive me if I am completely wrong), but do you suffer from anxiety at all? The only reason I ask is that you could (potentially) be projecting your anxiousness onto her. Just something about what you are saying makes me think that maybe that could be something you have not considered?

I could be completely wrong, and we are only hearing what you are putting on here so don't have all the information, but thought I'd ask in case it helps?

confused30000

Scorpio33 said:

Just a thought (and forgive me if I am completely wrong), but do you suffer from anxiety at all? The only reason I ask is that you could (potentially) be projecting your anxiousness onto her. Just something about what you are saying makes me think that maybe that could be something you have not considered?

I could be completely wrong, and we are only hearing what you are putting on here so don't have all the information, but thought I'd ask in case it helps?

It's a really good question, thank you. To be honest, no, and I don't just say that from a place of denial. I get anxious about things (a work project, a medical procedure, that kind of thing) but in general I'm a pretty laid back person who can deal with stress on the whole. 

Sorry, that sounds like I'm making out I'm perfect and I'm certainly not, but in terms of the atmosphere and my wife's mood currently I really don't think I'm projecting. For example, she has just come home from work, said literally two words to me (in response to questions from me) and gone into another room, whereas she would normally have a conversation with me about her day.

OldMusicGuy

My suggestion would be not to approach it from the perspective of "what's wrong with you". It may be there's something wrong with "us" (the two of you) or life in general. Try to ask open questions (how are you feeling) rather than a closed question (what's wrong). The implication behind the "what's wrong" question is that everything else is normal so it must be you that has a problem and if only we could find out what your problem is we can fix it and be normal again. That can feel quite negative and critical to someone that is feeling anxious and unsure of themselves. With more open questions you may be able to prompt a more non-judgmental discussion.

One thing I noticed was you said you felt "powerless to help". I felt the same way but IMO it's not our role to help to "fix" the problem, it's our role to support and understand. My wife said she found me being supportive and just telling her I still loved her was better than me trying to analyse what was "wrong" with her and "fix" it. IMO that is something for the professionals if she decides to go down that route. 

confused30000

OldMusicGuy said:

My suggestion would be not to approach it from the perspective of "what's wrong with you". It may be there's something wrong with "us" (the two of you) or life in general. Try to ask open questions (how are you feeling) rather than a closed question (what's wrong). The implication behind the "what's wrong" question is that everything else is normal so it must be you that has a problem and if only we could find out what your problem is we can fix it and be normal again. That can feel quite negative and critical to someone that is feeling anxious and unsure of themselves. With more open questions you may be able to prompt a more non-judgmental discussion.

It's difficult though. 

Great post, thank you. That idea of fixing things definitely resonates - I'm always trying to find a solution to problems and sometimes there just isn't one, and a listening ear is all that's required.

The above is definitely a good thing to try, thank you.

OldMusicGuy

confused30000 said:

Great post, thank you. That idea of fixing things definitely resonates - I'm always trying to find a solution to problems and sometimes there just isn't one, and a listening ear is all that's required.

The above is definitely a good thing to try, thank you.

Glad it resonated. You may have noticed I updated my post exactly along the lines you have suggested.

I mentioned in a previous post about our "personality clash". I have an obsessive compulsive personality so don't like anything left "unsolved". Even worse, I worked as an IT consultant for many years so my reaction was always "find the problem and fix it". I have learned this was not what my wife wanted. I've had to become more laid back and just go with the flow. It was a big change for me but I'm glad I did because I realised I was getting uptight about many things in life (which didn't help my wife's mental health!). Not only are we in a better place, but also I am as well.

pickledonionspaceraider

I have got General Anxiety Disorder  (GAD)...along with a couple of other issues

GAD has, for long long periods, ruined my life

What I don't understand is a persons resistance to taking a medication - when it would not only improve their life, but also their Husband and children's

Medication has literally saved my life - and I will never stop taking it - I have been on them for 3 years now - and this is the most normal I have ever felt - I am not sleepy/drowsy, fully able to function, work full time, drive etc.

I am far from perfect and still have bad days, but there is NO WAY on earth I would put myself in a position where I felt as bad as I did pre-meds.  Every minute of every day was a nightmare, for years.  Looking back, I do not know how I survived

I have a very HAPPY marriage but back then even I could see that my mental health was impacting everyone around me - esp my Husband as he did not know what he was coming home to every night!  If I had not got help to sort my own issues out, it would have dragged him down a rabbit hole too, and getting help was saving HIM as well as me.  More than anything on this planet I want my Husband to have a happy life

I am not saying anyone is selfish for not getting help - every one needs to make their own choices in life - but in the mere refusal to do so - they are sentencing those around them to live this nightmare lifestyle too - and who wants it.

GAD is a long term condition, so she is sentencing you all to a life of misery by not getting help.

My advice for what it is worth, is to talk to her and explain how this situation is affecting her personality, your childrens childhood, your own mental health