How to manage as a single parent

first78

My marriage of 22 years years ended 5 months ago when my wife decided to leave me. I'm now a single Mum with two primary school age children and a full time job. Up until recently I have carried on as normal but 5 weeks ago I was hit with depression as the reality of my situation hit me and I've been off work for over a month. I feel totally overwhelmed and have no support system around me.

My job as a social worker is stressful and while I've been off I have realised that I have been expecting way too much of myself, I cannot continue to be a full time parent and a full time employee, my head just cannot cope. 

My ex is still contributing financially (£1k per month) and with my salary of £34k I am managing well enough but I have no idea how I'd manage if I went part time. I have used online benefits calculators and even if I worked 18.75 hours a week in my current job I wouldn't be entitled to any benefits. My mortgage payments are currently £755 per month but my fixed rate ends in a few months and I anticipate payments will go up. 

I don't know what to do as I'm worried returning to work will only be sustainable short term if nothing changes. Any advice please?

[Deleted User]

Hi,

you say.

My marriage of 22 years years ended 5 months ago when my wife decided to leave me;

I'm now a single Mum with two primary school age children,

My ex is still contributing financially (£1k per month)

When you say 'my ex' is that the father of the children or 'my wife' who left?

theoretica

frugalmacdugal said:

Hi,

you say.

My marriage of 22 years years ended 5 months ago when my wife decided to leave me;

I'm now a single Mum with two primary school age children,

My ex is still contributing financially (£1k per month)

When you say 'my ex' is that the father of the children or 'my wife' who left?

I read it as being the children's other mother.

I suggest that you would find it useful to work out an honest SOA of all your spending - look at past bank statements and see where your money has been going.  Then you can look at every single thing on it and work out if it is unalterable (mortgage) or if you would rather cut the spending than earn that money.

You have registered for the single adult council tax reduction?

https://www.lemonfool.co.uk/financecalculators/soa.php

diystarter7

Have you considered a lodger? If not and will consider, please do all the checks etc and the though of a stranger sharing your home and young children.

Good luck

JReacher1

frugalmacdugal said:

Hi,

you say.

My marriage of 22 years years ended 5 months ago when my wife decided to leave me;

I'm now a single Mum with two primary school age children,

My ex is still contributing financially (£1k per month)

When you say 'my ex' is that the father of the children or 'my wife' who left?

I don’t think it’s relevant to the OP’s question but it’s pretty clear they were a same sex marriage. It’s 2022, thats common these days 😉

olgadapolga

JReacher1 said:

frugal said:

Hi,

you say.

My marriage of 22 years years ended 5 months ago when my wife decided to leave me;

I'm now a single Mum with two primary school age children,

My ex is still contributing financially (£1k per month)

When you say 'my ex' is that the father of the children or 'my wife' who left?

I don’t think it’s relevant to the OP’s question but it’s pretty clear they were a same sex marriage. It’s 2022, thats common these days 😉

But not 22 years ago. OP said, "my marriage of 22 years ended five months ago". I'm fairly certain that same sex marriage was legalised within the last decade.

JReacher1

I would reduce your hours but not as drastically as going down to 18.5 a week. 

Do you have a legal agreement with your ex that she will continue to pay £1k a month until the children have reached a certain age? 

The one advantage of being a social worker is that you can work anywhere in the country as they’re very in demand jobs. Would you be able to move to an area where you have a better support network?

JReacher1

olgadapolga said:

JReacher1 said:

frugal said:

Hi,

you say.

My marriage of 22 years years ended 5 months ago when my wife decided to leave me;

I'm now a single Mum with two primary school age children,

My ex is still contributing financially (£1k per month)

When you say 'my ex' is that the father of the children or 'my wife' who left?

I don’t think it’s relevant to the OP’s question but it’s pretty clear they were a same sex marriage. It’s 2022, thats common these days 😉

But not 22 years ago. OP said, "my marriage of 22 years ended five months ago". I'm fairly certain that same sex marriage was legalised within the last decade.

Put your bigotry to one side 😉

Same sex civil partnerships have been around for almost 20 years. Plus although not legally recognised as a marriage same sex couples have been getting married for decades. 

Although as normal on these threads it’s not at all relevant to the OP’s situation. If she considers herself to be married for 22 years then that’s her choice not yours. 

Twixty3

If the £1k per month  from your ex is child maintenance do not add that to the calculator.  Only spousal maintenance needs to be declared for calculation purposes.  

Unless you have more than £16k in savings it seems likely that you would have an entitlement to universal credit on roughly half your current income. Be sure to enter what your pension payments would be too too. 

diystarter7

JReacher1 said:

olgadapolga said:

JReacher1 said:

frugal said:

Hi,

you say.

My marriage of 22 years years ended 5 months ago when my wife decided to leave me;

I'm now a single Mum with two primary school age children,

My ex is still contributing financially (£1k per month)

When you say 'my ex' is that the father of the children or 'my wife' who left?

I don’t think it’s relevant to the OP’s question but it’s pretty clear they were a same sex marriage. It’s 2022, thats common these days 😉

But not 22 years ago. OP said, "my marriage of 22 years ended five months ago". I'm fairly certain that same sex marriage was legalised within the last decade.

Put your bigotry to one side 😉

Same sex civil partnerships have been around for almost 20 years. Plus although not legally recognised as a marriage same sex couples have been getting married for decades. 

Although as normal on these threads it’s not at all relevant to the OP’s situation. If she considers herself to be married for 22 years then that’s her choice not yours. 

Can both of you please give it a rest.

MalMonroe

I am really sorry about what's happened. A similar thing happened to me after I'd been with my husband for 22 years. But I was left with just one primary school child and had to change from part time to full time working. I didn't realise at that time that there were benefits that I could have claimed.

Perhaps you could cut your hours and also think about selling your home and moving to somewhere more affordable?

Can't your ex contribute to any childcare at all, or has she just disappeared? I do hope not as that will be horrible for the children.

Also why have the children suddenly become your full time responsibility? If I were you I'd make an appointment to see a solicitor as soon as possible. The £1k per month your ex is paying is voluntary at the moment but needs to be made more official, as do many other facets of your life.

I do know from my own experience how very difficult it is to try to sort out practical matters when your relationship has ended and your partner's moved out but you do have to think of your children and their welfare and how you are going to manage if your ex isn't going to be involved.