The Mental Debt Struggle...

Keedie

Oooh I'm loving all these savings info, thank you everyone! I need to really number crunch so that I can afford to put some regular money aside. I've been doing the penny challenge as well @enthusiasticsaver, and will join the thread for next year as well.

I really need to get on top of my budget and financial goals for 2023. I've been watching some YouTube videos to see how other people do it and I've been getting some inspiration. My mum said that I can pick my Christmas present and so I got her to get me Atomic Habits by James Clear and with 4.5 starts based on 112k reviews on Amazon, I'm sure that it will live up to the hype, as many people have said that it's life changing. I do need to develop better habits and routines, so I'm looking forward to reading it. I also got a Clever Fox Premium planner to help me organise my week and my thoughts. My therapist has been helping me to get things out of my head, so that I'm not carrying so much stress and I'm hoping that I'll be able to get my thoughts organised and it has a budget section so that's a massive bonus too!

I got a bit down recently, I'm finding the run up to Christmas harder this year than last year in terms of missing my dad. And the news is really depressing at the moment, all of these bad accidents and people having no regards for other people's safety or value of life. I drove past the 02 Brixton Academy around 9.20/9.30 on Thursday, and I could see the police cars and the massive crowds of people and I could feel the tension in the air and the traffic was crazy because of all the people and how some selfish people had parked. It was a crazy and to realise that a woman died from her injuries after being crushed and two other young women, aged 21 and 23 are in critical condition is heartbreaking. And then, I read on the news that an 11 year old boy was pushed onto a frozen lake at school in Manchester and fell through the ice and had to be fished out! And that bully that pushed him, did this the day after those poor boys lost their lives from falling in the lake in Solihull. There's a lot of madness out there sometimes 😔.

AntoMac

Oh Keedie. Sorry to hear that you are having some sadness due to many of the bad things that are going on. Of course We can’t stop those bad things from going on. One way I try to cope is by thinking of the vast majority of good people quietly getting on with good things and good deeds. I could give many examples. I’ll throw in just one small example. One of our friend’s father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. His daughter asked him if he had any last wishes and all he wanted was a ride in a Rolls Royce.
I asked my daughter’s friend’s Dad if he might know anyone who might be able to help, as he’s big into cars. We explained that we would of course give him something for doing it. He spoke to some of his car mates and a friend of one of his friends who had an old Rolls Royce and was willing to make a 40 mile round trip to fulfil Tony’s last wish. He insisted he wouldn’t want anything for it and that he was happy to do it just because he was able to. 

Unfortunately Tony went downhill very quickly so we weren’t quite able to make it into reality before he passed, but we were very moved by the kindness of this stranger who was willing to do this for someone he didn’t know from Adam, for nothing in return.
I could reel off many many more positive real life examples I have seen, as I’m sure you could. Several of your experiences would no doubt include examples of your own kindness.
I know this doesn’t stop you missing your Dad and I know there’s a whole load of unpleasant selfish stuff going on.
I TRY to do what I think would make my own Dad proud, and I’m sure you do the same in memory of your own father. You are a great example of what kindness and decency is all about

Makingabobor2

I agree about organising your thoughts on paper. My hypnotherapist told me to keep a journal a few years ago. It does help

Keedie

Thank you @AntoMac for always helping me to put things into perspective and I am really sorry to hear about your friend's father passing. It's so heartwarming to see that a stranger was willing to try and fulfil a dying man's wish, and it's a shame that he wasn't able to actually take the dream ride 😔. But it's nice to see the good in humanity. I remember when I went out with my son on our snow walk on Sunday night and on the way to the bus stop, we saw a man propelling himself in his wheelchair on the snowy and icy pavement with no gloves and he wasn't gaining much traction. So my son went over to him to help push him to the bus stop. I was really proud of him! And he helped him on the bus when he was struggling to get up the ramp backwards. I do need to remember more of these things when I am feeling sad, so thank you.

I used to write a diary religiously when I was at school @Makingabobor2, and it really and truly was a lifesaver to organise all of my thoughts and it made a big difference. Until I lost it at school and realised that it had fallen out of my bag in science class and my teacher took it upon herself to read my diary and then give me DETENTION because she didn't like what I wrote in my own diary! 😳🙄 Admittedly she didn't feature well in it because she was mean spirited, but I think it being a strict Catholic school she was more upset about the fact that I was agonising over kissing my first love - who I thankfully grew out of obsession with as he was a bit of a loser 😂. That scarred me though. I found it hard to maintain a diary after that as I felt so violated. But I'm going to try and start a new one as it was very cathartic.

badmemory

Keedie said:

and to realise that a woman died from her injuries after being crushed and two other young women, aged 21 and 23 are in critical condition is heartbreaking. And then, I read on the news that an 11 year old boy was pushed onto a frozen lake at school in Manchester and fell through the ice and had to be fished out! And that bully that pushed him, did this the day after those poor boys lost their lives from falling in the lake in Solihull. There's a lot of madness out there sometimes 😔.

I read this & thought the world is going to hell in a handcart.  Then I realised that the only difference between the past & now is that now we know about all this stuff.  60 years ago my sister was attacked by a gang of girls when she was on her way home from guides. (They got most of them & she identified them in court even though they had changed their hair colours).  The thing is though that it didn't even make a paragraph in the local paper, NOW we would all have read about it on the internet is some way.

AntoMac

That’s a lovely heartwarming example from your own son Keedie. Seeing that kind of behaviour from a teenager, with all the angst and confusion they are dealing with, makes it even more special. There is a more than reasonable chance that he might exasperate you or make you a little bit cross at some point in the future, so try and remember the underlying great lad that he is if (when!) that does happen.
The episode with your diary from your schooldays would clearly have a profound effect on anyone. What a cold and heartless intrusion into your privacy. By the way I could counter that with a story about a great teacher I had, but won’t on this occasion! I had the odd horrible teacher too, don’t you worry! Keeping a diary sounds a great idea. Nice one @Makingabobor2 These days we can even do them online, and password protect them if we wish.  You’re getting a lot of your thoughts down on here anyway, which is a good thing.
The good stories don’t make the needless tragedy of what happened at Brixton any less tragic of course. So sad and unnecessary. 

I truly believe there is way more good than bad in this often sad World, but the bad just makes a lot more noise and ‘sells more papers’ than the good. 

AntoMac

@badmemory you’ve stirred up a bit of a bad memory of mine 
I was attacked by a gang of about 20 lads years ago when I was out with a girlfriend completely minding my own business - completely unprovoked. 
My mum and dad made me go to the police and the ringleader went to court. I got compensation and he got a heavy fine. A part of me still wants to catch up with him one to one and see if he wants to try his luck with me again without his big tough mates alongside him.  I need to get over it as we were just teenagers but I can’t stand any kind of bullying. It’s just every now and then it still makes me angry. We all have those little skeletons in our closet.
My attack did at least get an inch or 2 in the local paper, but the internet was very much something from Science Fiction back then! 

badmemory

Totally agree that there is far more good than bad in the world.  I think the real problem is that good is not news, so we just get overwhelmed by the bad.

Makingabobor2

badmemory said:

Totally agree that there is far more good than bad in the world.  I think the real problem is that good is not news, so we just get overwhelmed by the bad.

That's exactly it. The good news always comes up at the end as a ......"and finally...." and then its a really short report.  I try not to watch so much news these days, apart from politics, as I am a great believer in the the idea of watching/listening to negative or bad stuff, just drags more of it into your life.  Your feelings become you thoughts and your thoughts become your reality. 

Keedie

OMG @badmemory, I'm so sorry to hear what happened to your sister! 🥺 Why are some people so cruel? I'm glad that she got justice and was able to identify her attackers even though they tried to escape being punished by thinking hair dye was going to save them 🤬. And you're right, a lot of things wouldn't make the news before, but the world is very small in terms of information transfer.

And, yes, the good bit is always tacked onto the end isn't it @Makingabobor2? So I've decided to go back to reading Happiful and I'm going to subscribe to The Happy Newspaper, so that I can read more lively news, rather than always only consuming the barrage of depressing news about things like the cost of living crisis and people being evil. I keep on top of politics as well, but I've started to cherry pick what I keep on top of, as it is very easy to get overwhelmed by the bad news as you're right, good news doesn't always sell so easily.

I'm really sorry about your own experience as well @AntoMac 😳😔, and I can't imagine how scary and painful that must have been with a gang of people attacking you! I'm glad that you were able to get some justice, and it sounds like that the ringleader bully has probably gone one of two ways; reform or refinement. He may have had some sh**ty life experiences since which has led to him making a change (though from what you describe, this seems unlikely). He may therefore have refined his abusive and bullying tactics meaning that you probably wouldn't want to catch him on a dark night alone even one on one, as you strike me as a gentle compassionate soul and his sounds very dark and tormented.

And as for my son, his act of kindness made me really proud, and I do try to remember this when he's annoying me or giving me some lip or attitude (with moody teenagers it's often a 'when' and not an 'if' in my experience! 🙄). But we had a good day yesterday as we went to the Imperial War Museum and I paid for a guided tour and talk about the reasons that led to WWI and what happened during the war, which was absolutely fantastic! We had these bluetooth headsets on and we were able to wonder around room by room and the guide talked us through the main things each room and key parts of the war timeline. My son said, "That was really nostalgic and made me remember how much I love history and why". He was really excited and it will help him with his GCSE History, which 6-8 weeks ago he wanted to completely drop out of, and now he's more enthusiastic. I've told him that from the end of January, we will be able to spend Fridays doing different forms of learning, like going to museums and exhibitions and joining home education activities, so that he has a different way of learning. He's getting more confident with his ability to pass his GCSEs and that has made me feel a lot better about the impact that this has had on both of us.

This diary has really helped me, to hold me account financially and to have a connection with people that I don't have in my everyday real life. So although that horrible teacher really knocked my confidence and violated my privacy (which as a teenager is sacrosanct). But I absolutely loved my English teacher, she was amazing and encouraged me to be a writer and inspired me to be an English teacher. But then I fell into HR and took a different path...