The Mental Debt Struggle...

Keedie

I'm feeling a little fragile at the moment. But thank you all for checking in on me and leaving me nice messages to catch up on. I've been really struggling and feeling really tearful and overwhelmed. Life has been rather sh*t recently and quite hard. I just feel a bit out of sorts and so I've been staying offline as much as I can and not really seeing or speaking to anyone.

I came off my medication as the antidepressants wasn't helping me as it sent me hypomanic and then into a mixed bipolar episode - which is still lingering on. So I've got the depressive demotivation and the hypomanic jittery and jumble thoughts all at the same time. Oh well. This too shall pass. 

I have an appointment with the mental health practitioner in the morning and a medication review with my GP in the afternoon. So hopefully, there's another medication I can try and it will help.

Financially, I've kind of gotten myself into a bit of a hole. I'm not back in debt, but I am on the brink of being financially unstable. I've spent rather willy nilly in these last few weeks as I have been incredibly stressed, mentally off kilter and just all round lazy to get on top of things. I've recognised the issue and figured out a better budget, but it's a lot to dial back. Not in a monetary sense (all though all my cash stuffing savings and digital savings are gone and I'm not 100% sure what I wasted it on), but more in a behavioural sense.

So I'm starting afresh. I'm getting rather annoyed with myself and all of these resets I keep having, but I know it's necessary. I'm trying to keep things very simple. I had a lot of discipline when I was clearing my debts, but I have no sense of direction or proper goal with the savings, and so I've noticed that as I am no longer in survival mode financially, I've become rather frivolous. 

I clearly need financial structure and routine, plus a clear focus, so I've got to get back on track. I'm still figuring out what I think is a better budget and how to actually manage it (so that I don't end up back in debt). So once I've got a better idea, I'll post a SOA and see if anyone has any feedback.

I definitely need to do some challenges to get on top of groceries and eating out as that is where I am falling apart. I did discover (via my friend), the brand Cook, which has delicious frozen ready meals that are nice and healthy but not cheap. But I figured if I can save up for a bulk shop, then I can have a drawer of those meals in the freezer than can be heated in the microwave or the oven to save on cooking when I'm not well. My sister and her husband also introduced me to Frive (I've eaten some of their meals but not ordered any of my own), and they're meals that are freshly prepared and delivered to your door and can be frozen. So I figured maybe a combination of the two services will prevent me from getting take aways. And if I don't have to cook every day, I can have better food shopping set up for the things that I will cook and the days that I'm able. I'm hoping that will work. And I'll halve my food budget so that some it's a mix of digital and cash. Hopefully that will help. 

Cherryfudge

Good to hear from you again, though I'm sorry to hear it's been a tough time recently.

Getting the frozen meals sounds sensible and will take some of the pressure off. There's also Wiltshire Farm foods in a similar price range and I've heard they are good.

honeybee1234

I second the 'making meals easier for yourself', and was thinking if you want to go all in budgeting with this, would getting a stack of generic frozen microwave meals work, with a side of something easy like a bag of salad, potato wedges that kind of thing? Another thing I do is have "emergency pizza" on hand in the freezer for those days when I'm not up to cooking? I eat half with some salad and wedges, and have the rest the next day so I have a couple of days' respite from cooking.

The other thing I'll say is be kind to yourself. You wouldn't call a friend or loved one 'lazy' or be annoyed with them in your situation, so please have some compassion for yourself because what you deal with mentally is hard work. What I read from your post is someone who's been in the thick of it but is working on things and I for one see that not as lazy, or annoying, but actually quite admirable and resilient. I think your general idea of keeping things simple and having a savings focus is great to streamline things and make them easier, so just call this a blip instead of beating yourself up, and see the reset as a positive thing. Life can be really hard sometimes, and it's okay to retreat, take a while and reassess, it's self care. I hope the appointments are helpful and go some way to tackling how you've been feeling. 

Baileys_Babe

Sorry to hear things are still difficult at the moment 🤗

Sounds like a good idea to get some easy, healthy food in so you don't end up resorting to takeaways.

Makingabobor2

Sorry things are hard for you now, but you seem to have good ideas for improving things. 
Filling the freezer is a good idea. But what about doing a batch cook of chilli, curry, cottage pie etc when you do feel well enough. So you can fall back on them when you don't feel well. Then have a sack of potatoes at hand to make jacket spud to go with the chilli etc & a few tins of beans at the ready as well. Still healthy, but cheap. 

Keedie

I checked out Wiltshire Farm foods thank you @Cherryfudge. I like the fact that it has a range of foods and it's not a subscription. It reminds me of pub meals, so I've ordered a brochure.

And you're absolutely right @honeybee1234. I would not be so harsh to a friend. And I do need more self compassion. It's just very hard. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I spoke to the Mental Health Practitioner today and she was as useful as always 🙄. I don't think she knows what to make of me and she's used to giving people suggestions based on textbook cases. I can articulate how I feel and I can rationalise my symptoms, and I am well educated about mental health. But all of that is just information. When you're swimming upstream with cinder blocks around your ankles, all of those buzz words and best practice for remaining well cease to exist. She kept asking me what I want, like I've got a magic answer. Which I don't. Hence I keep engaging with services and trying to get support. Even the GP seemed a bit nonplussed by some of her ramblings, as the GP came at the end of the consultation. But anyways, she's written to my psychiatrist for a medication review and they've referred me to the evening sanctuary at one of the local mental health centres, so that I can go and see someone in the evenings if I need to talk. Not been there before, but it may help 🤷🏾‍♀️.

In the meantime, I just need to figure out what I am doing in terms of my finances. And finding a way to get on top of things. I've got quite a few hours to kill tomorrow whilst my son is having his knee surgery to remove the screws from his leg (following his knee realignment surgery last year). So I'll have a good think about what I am going to do and how I am going to approach everything. I'll keep you all posted...

Cherryfudge

I've seen those Wiltshire Farm Foods when other people have been using them and my impression was that the portions are quite small (designed for people who aren't very active, but you can always fill up on bread, fruit, yogurt etc.) but the ideas were very good and they looked tasty. They also do a range for people who need different textured food, so they are making a real effort to cater for real people.

I hope your son's surgery goes well and he's soon back to 100% health. Is it really so long since the first surgery? I had lost track. I assume he hadn't tolerated the metal very well: I know of another person who had to have some screws removed, though mine have never bothered me.

Re: the practitioner you saw today, there's a world of difference between text book learning and real insight, isn't there? You seem to get a lot of benefit from going to peer support meetings, so perhaps they can help? It's good to have the referral to the evening sanctuary too: something out of hours when 9 to 5 services aren't running would reduce the time you spend with just your own resources to lean on.

Makingabobor2

I agree with @Cherryfudge about the size of the portions. My dad tried them & was eating 2 at a time....and he was a 90 year old at the time and not active.  Lol. So he said they were way too expensive for what you actually got

beanielou

Not a fan of Wiltshire. 

Newstartforme

Aw Keedie , feel so sorry for you going through such a hard time at present , you know it will pass and you will soon  be back to the Keedie we know and love , you will have all sorts of new amazing budgeting and saving ideas that I will want to copy ! In the meantime be gentle with yourself and make life as easy as possible . Best wishes to your son , he's came through it all so well and I am sure he is a great support to you . Take care xx