The Mental Debt Struggle...

Keedie

I've known that this diary needed to be started...

But I've run away from the idea as the accountability made me nervous and I didn't think anyone would want to read it. But then I realised it would be financially and mentally therapeutic for me, and that's the whole point after all. I've read other diaries and gained so much inspiration and tips across this forum, that I don't feel like such a fraud for carving out my own slice of that 😊.

My debt is a symptom of my poor mental health and my fragile mental health is often exacerbated by the debt. The whole chicken and egg thing at this point. The random impulse purchases and spending sprees caused by my bipolar hypomanic or depressive episodes have led me to fritter away thousands of pounds and not really understand what's happened. I received a £16k redundancy in August 2016, and my sister told me to give some of the money to mum to hold for me in case I became mentally unwell, and "went on a mad frenzied spending spree".  I was soooo offended we had a falling out. Turns out she was right, because by December 2016 I was on jobseekers allowance and child tax credit and not sure how I was going to pay my bills, and I still can't remember exactly what I was preoccupied with at the time, but I must've really enjoyed that hypomanic episode 🤦🏾‍♀️! 

I've been in debt since I was 18 and at university and discovered an overdraft with my Barclays student account. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that you could spend money in your account that wasn't actually yours. And now, I'm desperate to go back to that point just before the overdraft discovery, when I thought I was 'poor' because I had less than £10 in my account and couldn't take money out of the cash machine, and I had absolutely no money, but I also didn't have any debts. And I've been robbing Peter to pay Paul ever since, by juggling the debt via money and balance transfers, to the point where I don't even know how my original debt accumulated! As a single parent I've definitely overcompensated over the years and that has led me down a spending rabbit hole, and as my son is nearly 16, I've realised that he's picked up some of my bad habits, and I need to step up, so that he doesn't enter adulthood with an unhealthy relationship with money and isn't burdened by a lifetime of debt. Especially as he also has his own mental health struggles, and we're both vulnerable...

I was always told to "live within your means", by my mum who is exceptionally frugal, whereas my dad was always a bit of a spendthrift when the mood took him 😊. The funny thing is, I was never actually taught how to set a budget and at 40, I feel like I'm still learning after making a series of errors. I'm 'good' with money in the sense that I can save and prioritise my payments etc, but if I am mentally unwell, all of that flies out the window, and I waste money on take away because I need to feed myself and my child, and I've not been shopping or I can't bring myself to cook. Or sometimes, I'm just too worn out with the toll of living with chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia and I can't physically get out of bed to go shopping or sit up, let alone stand and cook something. So I know that I have lessons to learn in terms of habits that will allow me to be more prepared for the days when I'm struggling physically, mentally or both, by doing things like meal prepping or batch cooking. But I've no clue where to start and the threads on here are overwhelming as there are thousands of replies in some threads. I have a carer that comes twice a week to help me with domestic duties, and that has lightened the mental burden somewhat.

I struggle to sleep because my debts weigh on my mind, and then I either overpay as I just want it to be gone, and don't consider what else I have to pay for, and that leaves me short or avoiding the debt altogether and don't make any real progress - ooops! Lol. But I'm determined to make this the home straight towards my path of financial freedom and to be rid of the mental burden of my debts. My aim is to find a way to balance my finances and become debt free, in the way that is the kindest to me mentally, as when I struggle with one, it spills into the other.

At the moment my outstanding debt is £15,725.81. My debt free target date is 31 July 2024.

Buuuuut, my debt might go up £20,925.81 within the next week or two, as I had applied for and been approved for a money transfer from MBNA which was £5,200 including the transfer fee. And then due to a technical glitch, the transfer failed and the amount was re-credited to my credit card. I'd love to have the lower debt, but I really do need that £5k, as my son's being excluded from school due to a series of issues, and he's too vulnerable to be back in mainstream school and a Pupil Referral Unit just won't work, and so the best alternative I could think of, was a private online school so that he can complete Year 11 from September 2022 and get his GCSEs. I've made a complaint to MBNA as their system failed, and it led to the 18 months  0% money transfer offer no longer being available as it's been 'used' - although I never received the money because of the technical glitch. I dunno, maybe it's a sign that I wasn't meant to take that path, but I'm definitely incapable of homeschooling him myself, as I work two part time jobs from home and I just lack the mental fortitude to do his education any justice. We'll just have to see what happens I guess....

Keedie

I forgot to state my debt repayment plan!

All of my debts are 0% interest, and to keep on top of them, the monthly payments are quite high. I'm hoping to get rid of what I owe my mum by September 2022, so that I can do the snowballing method and feel like by getting rid of the smaller ones, I'm making more progress. Also, my mum is a pensioner and it feels really sh*tty to owe her money. She's in no rush for it to be paid back, but I feel like I need to do more adulting and stop relying on her for help.

1. Bank of Mum 1 = Car £450 - to be cleared at £150 a month by August 2022

2. Bank of Mum 2 = Family Holiday - £300 - to be cleared at £50 a month (June to August 2022), then snowball debt 1's payment to clear the balance by September 2022

3. TUI Turkey Holiday = £2,845.04 - monthly direct debit of £284.50 to be cleared by March 2023. In hindsight this wasn't the smartest thing to do, but it's an example of an impulse purchase as I fancied a holiday and always promised my son we'd go somewhere when he finishes his GCSEs

4. Creation Finance (Dreams Mattresses) = £1,145 - monthly direct debit of £72.67 to be cleared by October 2023

5. MBNA = £1,144 (but may increase to £6,344) - I pay £150 a month, current 0% plan to be cleared by December 2023

6. Barclaycard = £8,770 - I pay £300 a month to cover various 0% plans, with £3,625 due in June 2023 and the final plan of £5,145 ending in  March 2024 (my current repayments won't clear it by then, but I'm hoping to snowball and bring it down that way)

6. Sky Mobile = £1,071.77 - another example of 'want' vs 'need' as I brought my son and 1 iPhone 12 mini phones each, when the reality is, the upgrade could've waited - finance agreement ends March 2025

I don't think I've set my repayments in a smart way, and I don't have savings pots for things like car maintenance, so it does need an overhaul, but I'm not really sure how to tackle it differently. So, I need to think on that some more and see what advice I can get across the forum.

tacpot12

Good Luck Keedie. Keep us posted.

Your experience of trying to manage your finanaces are not unusual; many people with mental health problems will relate to your experience! You do have some understanding that the two issues are related, and if you can get your finances on better footing it wil help you feel better some of the time. You need to be ready for when you are not coping, and find some support to help you stick to your financial plan. Your sister or Mum would probably be the best people to help you with this. 

You really can't afford private schooling for your son, but I'm impressed that you are prioritising his education at this vital time for him. 

AntoMac

Hello Keedie,

I see you posting on the Sealed Pot thread. Good luck with your debt free journey. One quick question, have you spoken to your GP re your mental health? There is a lot that can be done to help in that respect.
Posting a statement of affairs might be a good start for getting some specific advice.
When you say you don’t think you have set your repayments in a smart way, do you have control over the amounts you can pay to each debt, outside of the loans from your Mum?

Keedie

Thanks for commenting @tacpot12, and you're right, I really can't afford the private schooling for him. I just know how important GCSEs are, and I don't want him to have nothing. He's very overwhelmed at the moment, and I think he'd rather be in some kind of educational centre/school, rather than homeschooling online. So I'm still trying to battle with the council for them to find an alternative provision that takes into account his additional needs, rather than their default option of a PRU. He'd rather be out of the house and trying to learn that way, but if I can't get that sorted he'll have to do something at home. My brother has advised that perhaps he just does a couple of GCSEs in Year 11 and then does some more the following year once he's old enough to go to college and do a GCSE retake programme. That way if he has to be at home, then he doesn't have too much pressure and I won't have to try and pay for a full time course, if he's going to have problems with it anyway. I dunno, a lot anxiety and guilt in trying to secure his future without pushing him over the edge...  .

You're right in that other people will be able to relate to the mental health struggle and the financial link. I've rediscovered the MSE Debt and Mental Health booklet, so I've downloaded it to re-read https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/credit-cards/mental-health-guide/. I realised that I've been snowballing wrong, as I've got set direct debits for the credit cards above the minimum payment, and this month alone, it'll be £1,047.37 in payments and my main salary is £1,206.89 a month. I part time freelance as well and get PIP and universal credit, that adds approximately another £1,100/£1,200 a month. But I don't really have any money to properly live as I end up dipping into money set aside for bills etc, so something's really not adding up. 

So I think I do need to sit down and work it all out properly and do a proper budget and work out what I should live on each month. When I've been really unwell in the past, I turned my bank card over to my mum and she withdrew my allowance per week in cash and gave it to me. I'm not unwell at the moment, but I am struggling a bit, but I think I need to probably do that again, as the stress of everything with my son's education and I need to get on top of the finances before things start to dip.

Keedie

Hi @AntoMac,

Thanks for commenting, and I think I will definitely sit down and do a statement of affairs. I need to get a handle of things as I've been burying my head in the sand a little bit to be honest. The way that I've done my repayments aren't smart as I've been paying over and above the minimum payment on my credit cards to get rid of them, but they're on 0% with the earliest one ending on 1 June 2023.

So I've just switched these to minimum payments rather than paying a fixed amount each month to give me some breathing room. As the TUI payment is £284.50 a month and it's a lot of money to pay £734.50 between TUI, MBNA and Barclaycard. With only paying the minimum for the next say few months, it means that I'll pay £566.75 as a minimum, but I'll space in my budget to work out what I can really afford to pay, and once I've repaid my mum, I can make overypayments and still be able to afford Christmas and be able to do something for my son's 16th in October.

I actually feel better just by doing that, as I'll be able to actually afford to pay for some home learning software programmes if it does come to that, and I won't need to put that on credit. 

With my mental health, I have a Community Mental Health Team (CMHT) and they're really good, but I've been avoiding my MH Care Coordinator as I'm struggling a bit and I don't want her to refer me back to the psychiatrist as he'll try and put me back on medication. And it's taken me around 7 years to finally get life insurance, and my premiums although high for not a great payout, was based on my recent medical report when I'm not on any medication. That's also why I've not been signed off work, although I really need the break, as when it comes to the annual review of my policy, all of these things go against me. But I'll speak to my GP about chasing my therapy referral, as that won't impact anything, and I do need the support.

LittleMissDetermined

Well done on starting your diary Keedie and you're absolutely right that it's not for everyone else's benefit, it's for yours.  I continue to post on mine each and every day, regardless of whether it's being read or commented on by others. It's my statement of accountability and it's amazing to read back and see just how far I have come.  This will be the same for you in time I am absolutely certain. 

Mental health is a very common trigger for debt and vice versa. It's easy to get into that vicious cycle of being down due to debt, so cheering yourself up with a spending spree. All my sprees are linked to life trauma and I can now see that pattern.  It took a while to recognise it though. 

Having read through your posts, I think your brother may have suggested a good idea which will take some of the pressure off your son.  You've not mentioned whether he is academically minded or whether an apprenticeship may be a better path for him but there are lots of alternatives around here so I am sure there will be around your area too. 

I have subscribed and will be here for support when you need it, as you have been for me.
LMD x

Keedie

Yes you're right @LittleMissDetermined, it is my personal journey and I'll continue to post as I've found it quite cathartic and writing it down to take accountability will ultimately shift my mindset I think. Your diary has really helped me, and I could see your confidence in your ability to reach your debt free target grow as time went on. 

I'll try and do the Statement of Affairs this evening or tomorrow, as it would make a big difference to understanding the situation I'm in and whether or not I can sustain the repayments, without being too rigid. I've definitely done some emotional spending so I figured this diary would also help me to work out better, cheaper and zero cost ways of treating myself when I'm feeling mentally unwell. It's an incredibly vicious cycle between debt and mental health, and it takes a long time to see the link and often much longer to sever the link, so I'm hoping to work on this more.

I think preparation in terms of food etc will be the biggest challenge but the best pay off, as I seem to haemorrhage money on take aways, or ineffective grocery shopping. So I will try my hand at meal planning and see if this makes a difference. I can then build up to meal prepping or batch cooking. It's too overwhelming to try and do it all now. But I think batch cooking is probably what I need to aim for, as the times when I'm physically or mentally unwell or struggling, I won't resort to take away. But I've no clue where to start with that, so I'll have to do some research.

My son's always struggled with school and seems to have some learning difficulties as he needs extra time and support to understand things, and I think that's what's putting him off trying, although he actually loves to learn. But his confidence has been shot to pieces as he thinks he's dumb, which is far from the truth. I think working on his personal, mental and emotional development is the best thing I can do for him, and so less GCSEs for him to stress over, would be cheaper for me and less pressure for him. If I can get him into a local authority funded alternative education provision, then he'll still be taught and have the routine that he craves, but it will be less pressure on him and I won't get too frazzled trying to get the home learning balance right. He wants to do a BTEC in Business or Sports once he has enough GCSEs to get onto the course, as he wants to be an entrepreneur and run his own youth sports programme and football club. So I'm trying to help him keep his dream alive, but take into account his pressure points whilst we wait for his CAMHS assessment to come through.

Thanks again for all of your support, this forum is amazing and it really reinforces faith in humanity, as we're all struggling, but people take the time to help each other as much as they can, and that sense of community means a lot to me. I live in London and although I have my family and friends, it can be a bit impersonal in terms of community spirit. So this is great and I'm grateful to you all for cheering me on.  xx

AntoMac

@LittleMissDetermined
I can assure you your diary is read. There’s not much useful advice I can give to someone who has already cleared 35K of debt though, hence I won’t often comment. In any case as you say, these diaries serve a useful purpose for personal accountability and monitoring progress
@Keedie
I find it shocking that whether or not you are on medication/your mental health report has an effect on your premiums/potential payout. As well as medication there’s all sorts of stuff such as talking therapies etc that might help. I’d never preach to anyone about what they should/shouldn’t do, and whilst it’s commendable that you are doing all you can for your son, you need to look after yourself too.
I am only a recent advocate of medication as I saw it somehow as a sort of admission of a failure to be able to cope. I had real difficulties with my daughter and my mother, along with several other things, so decided to give tablets a go having spoken with my Doctor.
I have found my sleep to be so much better. Being short of sleep can be horrendous and make it very difficult to think straight. My daughter and Mum are both doing loads better now, but I still think the medication has made a huge positive difference to me, so I will stick with it for now.
Changing your mindset is a good thing to aim for and will of course take time, but recognising the problem in my opinion means you have taken the most important step. Good luck and keep going. 

LittleMissDetermined

Thanks @Antomac I appreciate that.  I certainly would keep posting regardless, but it's nice to know people are reading my updates, even if they don't comment. 

Medication has also made a world of difference to me too no looking back  
LMD x

CRANKY40

My son thought he was dumb too. It turns out that he has dyscalculia which is the number version of dyslexia. Thanks to a fabulous maths teacher in year 11 (luckily for her the one who called him lazy left before I could speak to her) and being able to ask questions in private from home he manage to pass GCSE maths (just). Since he has a certificate officially proving that he isn't dumb his confidence has increased.  Does your son have any idea what he would like to do in college? College is so different from school and he can retake any GCSEs that he needs.