Ashamed

D1rtyD38t

I’m just looking at stepchange and filling in all my info. I transfer a set amount in to the joint account I hold with my husband every month this covers mortgage, car finance all household bills and food etc. Daft question do I just put half on the breakdown of everything for the mortgage and food costs etc? 

Sewn

And breathe!, DON'T do an IVA, I did and still got into debt afterwards which I'm now paying off, I don't regret the IVA at the time it was right for us but from what you've said it's not right for you.

I'm also a spendthrift and know how hard that addiction is to crack, I'm sure from what you have said your husband must have an inkling, if you've been in this cycle of debt, paying it off, spending again, how can he not know if you've been spending more than you earn on your family, holidays etc?

Also, why do you need to tell your family apart from your husband? My extended family no nothing of the IVA, they no nothing off the fact we were in almost 60k's worth of debt at the beginning of this year again and that I'm throwing everything I can at it to pay it off now, it's none of their business and I'm handling it.

Tackling the spending? the only way I've found is by hard graft paying it off, in many ways, loans, even an IVA is an easy way out, because all of a sudden that whole debt has gone, !!!!!!, you make all the right noises about not getting in that mess again and then......., I've worked my socks off, 70-80hr weeks since January, my social life stopped as I had no time for one anyway it's been work/home/eat/sleep/repeat for 6 months and I'm seeing the light now, my debt will be gone in 7 weeks, I know after the sheer hard work of giving up my life to pay this crap off for the last 6 months I will NEVER end up in debt again. Sometimes you have to do the hard slog to change habits

enthusiasticsaver

D1rtyD38t said:

I’m just looking at stepchange and filling in all my info. I transfer a set amount in to the joint account I hold with my husband every month this covers mortgage, car finance all household bills and food etc. Daft question do I just put half on the breakdown of everything for the mortgage and food costs etc? 

Yes I would do that. 

D1rtyD38t

I’m going to do a debt diary at some point, if it’s public on here I’m hoping it will give me the extra push. At the moment I’m just about making ends meet with it all. I’m one credit card I’m paying £150 interest every month and then the minimum payment on top. On the other I’m paying the minimum payment of £91 (there abouts) but from September the 0% runs out on that. I’m dreading it. The few smaller debts I have are less than £100 but the 2 credit cards well they are destroying me. Money does not buy happiness. 

JadedAngel88

I'm have been briefly keeping up with your thread.

I am not expert in debt etc but just wondered if you have a small amount of money set aside to spend whilst on your debt journey.

It's just I don't know if going cold turkey is going to lead to a big spend later down the road if you just stop spending. It doesn't need to be a vast fortune, probably say 30 pounds, then maybe over the months you could reduce it by a fiver a month. Till you either have just 5 pounds or nothing, depending on willpower, to spend. Just an idea.

Also I don't know if you mentioned whether you'd had any grief counselling, I think that you said that your dad's passing had affected you, so maybe some counselling might help. 

Good luck, we all do things that we regret but look at this as that chapter closing and starting fresh. Onwards and upwards.

D1rtyD38t

@JadedAngel88 hi 😊 I’ve had 3 lots of counselling over the last 14 years or so usually when I’ve had a relapse with my depression/anxiety. I have no money set aside that’s one thing I am very bad at! I have just set up an instant saver though with my bank. I have no standing order set up to put money in monthly but I have set up round up where they will move over pence when I spend on my debit card to round up to the nearest £1. Very little will be moved over I think but every little will help. Hopefully!

D1rtyD38t

I could cry this morning, just had a set back. For the last few years I’ve opted in to the 50/50 pension scheme at work so I’m not paying the full contribution. I do this so I had more £ to supposedly clear off my debt. As you know this hasn’t happened. 

This month they have put me back in to the full contributions. I’m £60 down now. 

I just want to cry. 

EssexHebridean

Hello - just had a read through. Your first step here is absolutely 100% to put together the SOA that has already been advised - the link to one of the calculators we recommend is in my signature. 

Now - no easy way to put this - but you HAVE to stop thinking of this as an addiction in the same way as alcoholism is - it just isn't, I'm afraid. It may feel the same as you perceive a classic "addiction" is - but thinking about it in this way is enabling you to tell yourself you "can't help it" - and do you know what, ultimately, and I'm not saying it's easy, but you CAN help it - as someone else said above, you do need to want to though. I'm guessing that the first step might may well be acknowledging that as you have now said yourself - money doesn't buy happiness - and THINGS don't create happiness either. can you work out what it is you're trying to make up for with accumulating more stuff? I can absolutely understand how devastating you found losing your Dad - it really is a whole new world isn't it. No amount of stuff in the world will bring him back though, will it - trust me, if it would I would spend whatever it takes to be able to sit down over a beer with mine again. It can't happen though - and yep, that is just the hardest thing imaginable. 

You need to know where you stand - firstly borrow the word someone else used above to describe themselves in a very similar situation - spendthrift. Of find another word that means the same that you're comfortable with - then switch that word of choice in for "addiction" and see if you can alter your mindset. Then sit down with ALL the paperwork and find out exactly what you owe to it, and how much you can pay - this is where the SOA comes in. As Sourcrates (I think) said earlier, hit the format for MSE option and copy and paste into this thread. That SOA needs to be open, and honest, and reflect the way things are right now - so no claiming you're putting money aside for this or that when in fact you're not, you're just spending it, OK?! Also don't be putting stuff in that you think you "should" be when in fact the money is going somewhere else! That's not helpful because it means we can't see the real picture, and know what help might be appropriate, and also allows you to continue to fool yourself. 

Have a read through Martin's moneysaving mantra - it will trigger you to stop and think through anything you're planning to spend some money on. Take a moment right now to have a think too - is there anything you actually NEED right now aside from the obvious food, heat, light, housing etc? And if you do some up with anything you need, is that really a need, or is it actually a want? If it is a true need, do you have anything else you can use to do the job in its place? 

Get the SOA done, then we can see where you're at - and that is the first step towards sorting yourself out. 

D1rtyD38t

Thanks @EssexHebridean you’ve been quite honest with your advice. Quite scarily. But please don’t judge because I have said I’m addicted to spending. It might be your idea of an easy excuse out of the mess I have created for myself but to me it isn’t. To admit this to anyone has been a massive deal for me. Maybe I should be admitting to my husband and not in a forum. But I’m not in the right frame of mind to do that yet. I need a solid plan of action. One that I can stick to. I have tried breaking this debt cycle before and failed massively. I have dealt with alcoholism first hand as you have probably read. So no maybe I shouldn’t compare but the urge to spend and the massive downer after I have is very real. 

Sonic101

D1rtyD38t said:

Thanks @EssexHebridean you’ve been quite honest with your advice. Quite scarily. But please don’t judge because I have said I’m addicted to spending. It might be your idea of an easy excuse out of the mess I have created for myself but to me it isn’t. To admit this to anyone has been a massive deal for me. Maybe I should be admitting to my husband and not in a forum. But I’m not in the right frame of mind to do that yet. I need a solid plan of action. One that I can stick to. I have tried breaking this debt cycle before and failed massively. I have dealt with alcoholism first hand as you have probably read. So no maybe I shouldn’t compare but the urge to spend and the massive downer after I have is very real. 

Hi there

Well, as you've probably gathered, you're not the first and you won't be the last. I got into a large amount of debt, some through extenuating circumstances but like you, much of it through bad budgeting and comfort spending.

The main thing is you've admitted you've got a problem and posting here is a big step - good for you; and I agree that comfort spending IS a form of - it is nothing like as severe as alcoholism or drug addiction, but it's about getting stuck in a habit: when you feel down/bored need cheering up you go on Amazon and reach for the credit card instead of reaching for the bottle of gin.

The good news is that (in my experience at least), you don't have to necessarily go completely 'cold turkey', you just need to learn to live within a budget and cut back on things. I've been living without credit cards for 18 months now (trying various debt solutions) and it takes some self-control, but it's doable, and the longer you practice living within the budget, the easier it becomes.

. For example, I have a budget of £20 month for clothes - if I want to spend more than that I have to go without something else (such as a night out or a trip to the cinema)...or I just find myself questioning "do I really need it"? and stay within budget. Or if it's a more expensive item, wait a few months and save the money for it. 

It sounds like a line, but it's definitely more satisfying to spend money knowing that that money has been accounted for as opposed to just bunging things on the credit card.