Ashamed

abaka

Hearing your story is very similar to my own.

I racked up total debts of near £30k mainly as a result of just spending with no real thought to the consequences.

I went through the same fears of thinking my family was going to be punished, and the reality is there might be some things we have to cut out but the consequences will be worth it.

Have a read of my debt free diary....and also some of the others ones in the diaries section.  https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6362059/my-debt-free-journey/p1

Lots of great support. 

Just by making a decision to stop spending (cutting all up the cards) etc can make a difference and selling things you don't need or things you don't have a use for, you can free up some great cash and declutter the home!!

I would say don't believe an IVA is your only hope.  I spoke to a Debt Advice Service who sold IVAs and they were adamant that an IVA was the only way for me to get out of this mess....However, 2 weeks later I've made some progress and realised I can get out of this mess on my own without help....I might have to consider other approaches at later stages but I'm now dealing with the problem and the more I do, the less likely I am to need an IVA!

Brie

Been there, done that, didn't tell the OH either.  I think he knew but didn't ask for any details, just occasionally asked if everything was all right.  "yes dear!  of course it is!!"

What helped me was to set up a little spreadsheet with my debts, along with when the monthly DDs were expected so that I could watch the amounts decrease (sometimes they did, sometimes they didn't at first).  I printed this off and put it in my back pocket.  Everytime I was thinking of spending something, plotting a holiday, new stuff I could pat my pocket (like those stupid Asda ads) to remind myself of what I already was trying to clear.  

I also made sure that my credit cards - at least the ones with the BIG debts - were not available.  I cut them up.  I didn't cancel them but it's hard to use a card that you don't have.  I kept 1 card that we both used to do our day to day spending and cleared it every month in full (99%  of the time) mostly as there was a good cash back on it which gave some leeway at Christmas/birthdays.

Good luck with this.  You've done the first hard bit admitting there's an issue and looking for help with it.

D1rtyD38t

Believe it or not I actually work in finance and have an actual accounting qualification! Yet I’m still in this mess.

I have had a spreadsheet set up for a number of years and still this didn’t stop me. Im continuing to use it though.

I try to make extra bits of money by using cash back sites, paid surveys and I also have a sewing hobby that I have tried to make money from and also got in to debt doing so! The paid surveys aren’t great as some of you may know but I’m hoping going forward it will help. I have sold everything I can sow far to try and get some extra money. Will keep looking though! 

Thanks all so far I actually feel like I have some support now. Had a quick look on stepchange and think there are quite a few solutions in there that might be possible.

abaka

I also specialised in finance and accounts and budget management for the first 15 years of my career (currently on year 18) and whilst I can manage other peoples monies and affairs, I wasn’t so on the detail of my own!! 

D1rtyD38t

abaka said:

I also specialised in finance and accounts and budget management for the first 15 years of my career (currently on year 18) and whilst I can manage other peoples monies and affairs, I wasn’t so on the detail of my own!! 

I’m definitely not alone then am I? I am the same, other peoples money I can manage perfectly but as you now know not my own! 

peteuk

So the first step is the hardest, or that’s what they say and in this age actually admitting there’s a problem is the first step.   So well done…the next part off the journey isn’t always plain sailing.

You can get a dmp/Iva and pay off the debts but without challenging your own behaviour and seeing the why and what of your constant lending, sadly the risk is you’ll pay peter and loans from Paul. 

Many of us on this board have been where you are.  My debt when our son was boar was £65K, if you look on my credit file I’ve had 20 loans in the last 6 years.   High interest, high risk loans because of the debt.  Some of them were for important things (Cars, washing machines) but the majority weren’t. 

The advice and support given is important, so don’t be a stranger. Keep your head up and breath. 

Good luck!

Maskface

It might also help to actually talk it through with a person at Stepchange because they may even be able to advise different solutions for you. Speaking with a sympathetic real person who isn't going to judge you and isn't interested in why you got in debt also sometimes helps get things clearer in your head when trying to plan a way forward.

diystarter7

OP, you are now on the right path as posting about something like this means you mean business and what to get out of this vicious circle.
Good luck.

D1rtyD38t

You lot really are so kind, I really am struggling with this. The urge to spend really is overwhelming at times. I know I’m not alone now though. x

enthusiasticsaver

There have been lots of stories on here similar to yours and it seems more common when one person in the relationship is a spender and the other a saver. You seem to equate spending money with love. Move away from this to help yourself moving forward. 

I dont think an IVA is necessarily a good move but a debt solution like a DMP may help you. That involves defaulting and will ruin your credit rating but that is no bad thing for someone who needs to break the debt consolidation spiral as you do. Borrowing more is the last thing you should do. You can still remortgage if you don’t change providers but the defaults will show on credit searches on you or your husband as you are linked. For that reason you should tell him the whole story and ask for his support. I understand that will be difficult given you have been here before and you need to put things in place to stop you spending as a first step. Take credit or debit card details off websites and cut up cards except for a debit card and do a proper budget. Phoning stepchange is a priority too for further advice.