Ashamed

D1rtyD38t

I’ve gone through everything with stepchange and they are advising a DMP. Not sure I’m ready to go down that route at the moment so plan A is to sort out what I can with the help if you guys. Some have advised to do the SOA my question is  how detailed am I going with this as myself and my husband put in £1000 every no that’s covers all household and family things. We then have our own accounts for our own spend and phone bills etc. So for example our mortgage is £370 a month do I put  £185 in the SOA as that is my contribution to it. Thanks

Sea_Shell

Have you considered keeping a journal, where you can put your feelings on paper along with a list of the things that you really want to buy in that moment.

When are your weak moments?

At home on the internet, or when passing shops, or whilst shopping for essentials?   Late at night?  Whilst alone?

What are your usual "go to" items?  Home niknaks, clothes, food etc?

EssexHebridean

D1rtyD38t said:

Thanks @EssexHebridean you’ve been quite honest with your advice. Quite scarily. But please don’t judge because I have said I’m addicted to spending. It might be your idea of an easy excuse out of the mess I have created for myself but to me it isn’t. To admit this to anyone has been a massive deal for me. Maybe I should be admitting to my husband and not in a forum. But I’m not in the right frame of mind to do that yet. I need a solid plan of action. One that I can stick to. I have tried breaking this debt cycle before and failed massively. I have dealt with alcoholism first hand as you have probably read. So no maybe I shouldn’t compare but the urge to spend and the massive downer after I have is very real. 

There is no judgement - it's something we see here quite often, but it really is important to differentiate between the two things. Until you do that, experience from other posters we have seen here over the years is that you're unlikely to find the way out of your situation - not least because your head will still be telling you that you "can't be cured" to an extent. It might help to compare it to people who claim sugar is addictive because "it lights up the same areas of the brain as coc@ine!" - yes, it does, but so does looking at photos of puppies - same basic reaction but entirely different background causes! 

Yes - I think in the longer term you DO need to talk things through with your husband - not least because imagine how hurt he would be when he finds out later on (because it will be almost impossible to avoid that I'm afraid). It would be that hurt - that you didn't have enough trust in him to tell him - that will do more damage than any amount of debt ever could. You're right though - you do need to be in the right place for that first - and part of that is knowing precisely where you're at, and having a plan to tackle all aspects of it. 

D1rtyD38t said:

I’ve gone through everything with stepchange and they are advising a DMP. Not sure I’m ready to go down that route at the moment so plan A is to sort out what I can with the help if you guys. Some have advised to do the SOA my question is  how detailed am I going with this as myself and my husband put in £1000 every no that’s covers all household and family things. We then have our own accounts for our own spend and phone bills etc. So for example our mortgage is £370 a month do I put  £185 in the SOA as that is my contribution to it. Thanks

You need to detail everything you spend money on - literally every penny - so if you split things down the middle, then yes you just put 50% of those spends (detail when you post it that it is half the household costs, and on anything that is just you it might be helpful to note that in a comment alongside the line for it). This usually works best when you each have your income paid into a bank account of your own, and then pay a set amount each month in for all the shared expenses as it's easiest to see then what is really left over. 

Something else you might find helpful right now - a spending diary. Literally just a paper notebook (one you already have, not a good reason to go and buy a new one!) and pen. Each time you spend anything you write it down. If you feel tempted to buy something, then first take out that notebook and visualise yourself standing there and writing down the purchase - and think how it will make you feel. that may well work as a deterrent.