Swaps on weekends

ironlady2022

elsien said:

An email also has the benefit that if written clearly  should leave no misunderstanding about what was said in situations where there may otherwise be later disputes. 

100% agree for my situation. He's 'misunderstood', not replied (which apparently means he agrees) to my emails and is never on time. So email is the only way to communicate.

I can perfectly communicate via WhatsApp or phonecall. I do this in my every day job, so the issue is with him making our lives difficult. 

Sapindus

pinkshoes said:

ironlady2022 said:

In my most recent request, i chased up and said if I didn't hear from him by a certain date, then i would take it as he agrees with swap. 

And lo and behold, my email prompted a same day response to say 'i disagree with the swap'. 

I'm sorry but I agree with your ex.

You say your ex is really manipulative, but the bit I've highlighted in bold is equally really manipulative behaviour.

You are forcing him to reply and by not replying it goes in your favour.

If he doesn't want to reply then although that's annoying it's his right. 

Just stick to the schedule. By all means ask to swap but if he doesn't want to then fair enough.

I disagree.  If you give someone enough time to respond and this is not "constantly messaging" as someone else gave an example of, it is not unreasonable to expect an answer, even if that's to say "sorry, I can't give you an answer as I have uncertainty over whether I can do the swap".  But you will shoot yourself in the foot taking it that he agrees with a swap, if he then simply does not arrive to collect her when you need him to.  If you have been all niceness and reasonableness then at least you can feel you are morally in the right, and you never know he might feel guilty one day.

I've had ten years of my ex's excuses that he "can't have the boys".  On the very rare occasion I ever said "I can't have them either, I'd planned round this being your weekend, you'll have to sort something" I would then get a phone call from MiL saying "D says you need me to have the boys this weekend?" and I'd say "no, HE needs you to have the boys!". My oldest is grown up now and can't be bothered seeing his dad much.  What goes around comes around, eventually.

ironlady2022

Sapindus said:

pinkshoes said:

ironlady2022 said:

In my most recent request, i chased up and said if I didn't hear from him by a certain date, then i would take it as he agrees with swap. 

And lo and behold, my email prompted a same day response to say 'i disagree with the swap'. 

I'm sorry but I agree with your ex.

You say your ex is really manipulative, but the bit I've highlighted in bold is equally really manipulative behaviour.

You are forcing him to reply and by not replying it goes in your favour.

If he doesn't want to reply then although that's annoying it's his right. 

Just stick to the schedule. By all means ask to swap but if he doesn't want to then fair enough.

I disagree.  If you give someone enough time to respond and this is not "constantly messaging" as someone else gave an example of, it is not unreasonable to expect an answer, even if that's to say "sorry, I can't give you an answer as I have uncertainty over whether I can do the swap".  But you will shoot yourself in the foot taking it that he agrees with a swap, if he then simply does not arrive to collect her when you need him to.  If you have been all niceness and reasonableness then at least you can feel you are morally in the right, and you never know he might feel guilty one day.

I've had ten years of my ex's excuses that he "can't have the boys".  On the very rare occasion I ever said "I can't have them either, I'd planned round this being your weekend, you'll have to sort something" I would then get a phone call from MiL saying "D says you need me to have the boys this weekend?" and I'd say "no, HE needs you to have the boys!". My oldest is grown up now and can't be bothered seeing his dad much.  What goes around comes around, eventually.

Thank you, and ppl like you and I understand it very well cos we've been through it. 

Retireinten

For how little he has them I would avoid swaps wherever you can, only ask if it is a really special occasion and you don't have an alternative (ie a babysitter). Family will understand if your child can't attend a special occasion.

Sometimes the best thing to do is to take the path of least resistance, accept he's not that flexible and just work around it. It will create less resentment and hostility, which your daughter will pick up on certainly as she gets older. 

ironlady2022

Retireinten said:

For how little he has them I would avoid swaps wherever you can, only ask if it is a really special occasion and you don't have an alternative (ie a babysitter). Family will understand if your child can't attend a special occasion.

Sometimes the best thing to do is to take the path of least resistance, accept he's not that flexible and just work around it. It will create less resentment and hostility, which your daughter will pick up on certainly as she gets older. 

Yeh i understand what you are saying. Thanks

Northern_Tribe

OP, sorry if this has been said before in the thread, but it seems to me that your ex may be still trying to control you.

Of course, I don't know the whole situation but is it worth considering that not replying to emails then turning up, and being consistently late is all to keep you guessing? In that way, he keeps a level of control over your life. If this is the case, I suggest you break his control by not asking for swaps unless it is an emergency.  If you really do need to swap, I agree with others about adding a sentence along the line "I know how busy you are so if I don't hear from you by xyz I will assume you can't have DD on abc weekend. Leave it like that. When he comes next comes to collect her don't mention asking for a swap. Simply be neutral and keep it low key for your daughter's sake.

Best of luck. Things do get easier over time as the painful feeling from a break up diminish.