Swaps on weekends

74jax

ironlady2022 said:

74jax said:

ironlady2022 said:

74jax said:

Why don't you email and say 'if you can swap, can you let me know by xxx' then if he doesn't let you know you know in plenty of time?

To be honest, I wouldn't do any swaps. My ex has our daughter every other weekend, we never did swaps. 

I see you have it covered now anyway, I would have tried the babysitting option first or asked if the ex would be available as an 'additional' day, not a swap. Something 'it's mams birthday before I get a sitter, I wondered if you'd like her an additional day'?

I meant baby sitting falls on my Mum in general. 

Yeh he's really manipulative and would use into against me. If i mentioned the birthday, he would def say no. 

At least you would know it was a 'no' though, at the moment you say it's the lack of replying to you to say he's unable to swap that leaves you in limbo.

Going forward, I'd offer it as an additional day (no swap) or just get a sitter. I wouldn't ask to swap. 

I offered a swap cos it was eating
 into his time. Offered up her birthday weekend on the Sun (birthday on Sat) and still not enough incentive for him. Ultimately cos he doesn't care. 

Or he had plans. When you have a schedule you plan things in the time you have free. To then be asked to swap us an inconvenience, and one he doesn't want to do.

Like I said, you got a sitter, so really you didn't even need to ask him to swap and cause this anxiety on yourself. You can always offer him additional time with the child in future before getting a sitter if you want (not a swap but extra time), or just stick to the schedule. 

pinkshoes

ironlady2022 said:

pinkshoes said:

ironlady2022 said:

In my most recent request, i chased up and said if I didn't hear from him by a certain date, then i would take it as he agrees with swap. 

And lo and behold, my email prompted a same day response to say 'i disagree with the swap'. 

I'm sorry but I agree with your ex.

You say your ex is really manipulative, but the bit I've highlighted in bold is equally really manipulative behaviour.

You are forcing him to reply and by not replying it goes in your favour.

If he doesn't want to reply then although that's annoying it's his right. 

Just stick to the schedule. By all means ask to swap but if he doesn't want to then fair enough.

Please don't be judgemental without knowing my full situation. 

He's the one who has on countless times not replied to me and then turning up and saying the agreement was ok based on his none reply. So I'm just trying to prevent it moving forward. 

I'm not being judgmental. 

A friend of mine has a non molestation order against her ex that used to do this. He would constantly message and say that unless she replied, he would take her silence as agreement. The court sided with her and it was made very clear to him that this was unacceptable.

Regardless of whether your ex has done the same, it is NEVER ok. If you don't like him doing it, then why do it yourself? It certainly won't prevent it moving forward. 

Just stick to the schedule and don't try and change it. 

TBagpuss

It's tricky, as ideally you would both be able to be flexible to fit around each other. However, that does require a degree of willingness on both sides.

Since it sounds as though you have poor communication and don't get a long well, I'd agree that your best bet is to stick to the arrangements and plan around them .

If there are things you can't move then I would suggest requesting a change as far in advance as possible (for isntance, presumably you knew you re mum was turning 60 as birthdays are predictable) - and offer more than you are asking for
e.g. if you want his Saturday, ask 2 or 3 months in advanceand offer him an extra day in additiona to the swap, and give him as much choice as possible - e.g. offer him either the weekend before, or the weekend after, to his choice.

You can be clear when you ned a response by, but ultimately if he isn't willing to switc then you will have to live with that. I agree tht you can't really force agreement, so I would turn it around - when you make the request, ask for a repsonse by a cetain deadline , then follow up jut after tha to confirm that as you haven't heard you have had to assume that he isn't agreeing.

e.g. 
"I was disappointed not to have heard back from you regarding my request to have Jane on the weekend of 1-2nd November, with you seeing her either the weekend before or afterwards, and for an extra day in the half term if you wished, however, as I havent heard I assume you are not willing to agree so her contact will be with on on 1st as usual" 

That way, you avoid anypotential misunderstadning and you aren't trying to force an agreement.

Him not being on time is a totally separate issue, so is the situation with child support. Obviosuly both are frustrating and don't reflect well on him, but they are separate and you need to deal with the separately.

If his being late creates problems then you may need to let him know and explain that if he is more than x minutes late you will have to make alrternative arrangemens - for isntnae, if you were planning to work when she was in his care then this might mean driopopping her off with a relative or friend, if you were planning to go out, taking her with you etc.

That said, do try to bear in mind thart your daugther is the importnat one here, and tensionsand dispure rebound nto her. It's very difficult being the person who makes accommodations and adjustmwens in order for contact to happen, where the other party is not equally considerate, but it can be the best thing for your child if it protects them from stress and conflict. 

JReacher1

ironlady2022 said:

pinkshoes said:

ironlady2022 said:

In my most recent request, i chased up and said if I didn't hear from him by a certain date, then i would take it as he agrees with swap. 

And lo and behold, my email prompted a same day response to say 'i disagree with the swap'. 

I'm sorry but I agree with your ex.

You say your ex is really manipulative, but the bit I've highlighted in bold is equally really manipulative behaviour.

You are forcing him to reply and by not replying it goes in your favour.

If he doesn't want to reply then although that's annoying it's his right. 

Just stick to the schedule. By all means ask to swap but if he doesn't want to then fair enough.

Please don't be judgemental without knowing my full situation. 

He's the one who has on countless times not replied to me and then turning up and saying the agreement was ok based on his none reply. So I'm just trying to prevent it moving forward. 

You need to phrase it the other way e.g. if I don’t hear from you by a set date I’ll take it as a no. 

The default position for no response should always be as agreed. 

ironlady2022

JReacher1 said:

ironlady2022 said:

pinkshoes said:

ironlady2022 said:

In my most recent request, i chased up and said if I didn't hear from him by a certain date, then i would take it as he agrees with swap. 

And lo and behold, my email prompted a same day response to say 'i disagree with the swap'. 

I'm sorry but I agree with your ex.

You say your ex is really manipulative, but the bit I've highlighted in bold is equally really manipulative behaviour.

You are forcing him to reply and by not replying it goes in your favour.

If he doesn't want to reply then although that's annoying it's his right. 

Just stick to the schedule. By all means ask to swap but if he doesn't want to then fair enough.

Please don't be judgemental without knowing my full situation. 

He's the one who has on countless times not replied to me and then turning up and saying the agreement was ok based on his none reply. So I'm just trying to prevent it moving forward. 

You need to phrase it the other way e.g. if I don’t hear from you by a set date I’ll take it as a no. 

The default position for no response should always be as agreed. 

This makes better sense thank 

ironlady2022

TBagpuss said:

It's tricky, as ideally you would both be able to be flexible to fit around each other. However, that does require a degree of willingness on both sides.

Since it sounds as though you have poor communication and don't get a long well, I'd agree that your best bet is to stick to the arrangements and plan around them .

If there are things you can't move then I would suggest requesting a change as far in advance as possible (for isntance, presumably you knew you re mum was turning 60 as birthdays are predictable) - and offer more than you are asking for
e.g. if you want his Saturday, ask 2 or 3 months in advanceand offer him an extra day in additiona to the swap, and give him as much choice as possible - e.g. offer him either the weekend before, or the weekend after, to his choice.

You can be clear when you ned a response by, but ultimately if he isn't willing to switc then you will have to live with that. I agree tht you can't really force agreement, so I would turn it around - when you make the request, ask for a repsonse by a cetain deadline , then follow up jut after tha to confirm that as you haven't heard you have had to assume that he isn't agreeing.

e.g. 
"I was disappointed not to have heard back from you regarding my request to have Jane on the weekend of 1-2nd November, with you seeing her either the weekend before or afterwards, and for an extra day in the half term if you wished, however, as I havent heard I assume you are not willing to agree so her contact will be with on on 1st as usual" 

That way, you avoid anypotential misunderstadning and you aren't trying to force an agreement.

Him not being on time is a totally separate issue, so is the situation with child support. Obviosuly both are frustrating and don't reflect well on him, but they are separate and you need to deal with the separately.

If his being late creates problems then you may need to let him know and explain that if he is more than x minutes late you will have to make alrternative arrangemens - for isntnae, if you were planning to work when she was in his care then this might mean driopopping her off with a relative or friend, if you were planning to go out, taking her with you etc.

That said, do try to bear in mind thart your daugther is the importnat one here, and tensionsand dispure rebound nto her. It's very difficult being the person who makes accommodations and adjustmwens in order for contact to happen, where the other party is not equally considerate, but it can be the best thing for your child if it protects them from stress and conflict. 

Thank you

turnitround

Would it not be better just to make a phone call rather than playing games?

RogerBareford

turnitround said:

Would it not be better just to make a phone call rather than playing games?

I agree with this it's so silly to be emailing each other in this situation. A phone call is a much better and more efficient way to communicate.

ironlady2022

RogerBareford said:

turnitround said:

Would it not be better just to make a phone call rather than playing games?

I agree with this it's so silly to be emailing each other in this situation. A phone call is a much better and more efficient way to communicate.

I would but he always gaslights me. An email provides a trail as evidence. Unfortunately, it has come down to this, otherwise i agree a phonecall is better. 

elsien

An email also has the benefit that if written clearly  should leave no misunderstanding about what was said in situations where there may otherwise be later disputes.