Swaps on weekends

ironlady2022

I've been separated from my ex husband for over 2 years now. We have a 3yo daughter together.

He sees her every two weeks overnight, which is his choice. 

I wanted to do a swap on one of his weekends recently and I've noticed that he does not respond to my emails on purpose to leave me guessing.

He's never on time to pick her up and has recently had to restart paying CMS as he got fired from his job and now back in work again. I had to proactively go to CMS as I suspected he needed to pay and he got caught out. Moreover, he's seen my new partner's car on the driveway in the last month which he is probably not happy about (we've been together 15mo).

Each time I ask for a slight adjustment, he deems a none response as an agreement or is late in picking her up. 

In my most recent request, i chased up and said if I didn't hear from him by a certain date, then i would take it as he agrees with swap. 

And lo and behold, my email prompted a same day response to say 'i disagree with the swap'. 

HampshireH

I'm not sure what advice you are seeking.

But if he only has her 1 night in 14 is there really a need to change it? Couldnt you plan around it so he has her consistently on his 1 night rather than the aggro of emailing him and him playing games

ironlady2022

HampshireH said:

I'm not sure what advice you are seeking.

But if he only has her 1 night in 14 is there really a need to change it? Couldnt you plan around it so he has her consistently on his 1 night rather than the aggro of emailing him and him playing games

Yeh, was thinking that i never ever ask to swap then.

HampshireH

If your reason for swapping is for family things then family will understand why she cannot go or change dates.

If it's so you can go out so your asking him to have her you can arrange appropriate childcare like a babysitter on your weekend if you have plans

ironlady2022

HampshireH said:

If your reason for swapping is for family things then family will understand why she cannot go or change dates.

If it's so you can go out so your asking him to have her you can arrange appropriate childcare like a babysitter on your weekend if you have plans

I got babysitting covered. It's my Mum's 60th birthday, and her birthday is 3 days before my daughter's. S

74jax

Why don't you email and say 'if you can swap, can you let me know by xxx' then if he doesn't let you know you know in plenty of time?

To be honest, I wouldn't do any swaps. My ex had our daughter every other weekend, we never did swaps. 

I see you have it covered now anyway, I would have tried the babysitting option first or asked if the ex would be available as an 'additional' day, not a swap. Something 'it's mams birthday before I get a sitter, I wondered if you'd like her an additional day'?

ironlady2022

74jax said:

Why don't you email and say 'if you can swap, can you let me know by xxx' then if he doesn't let you know you know in plenty of time?

To be honest, I wouldn't do any swaps. My ex has our daughter every other weekend, we never did swaps. 

I see you have it covered now anyway, I would have tried the babysitting option first or asked if the ex would be available as an 'additional' day, not a swap. Something 'it's mams birthday before I get a sitter, I wondered if you'd like her an additional day'?

I meant baby sitting falls on my Mum in general. 

Yeh he's really manipulative and would use into against me. If i mentioned the birthday, he would def say no. 

74jax

ironlady2022 said:

74jax said:

Why don't you email and say 'if you can swap, can you let me know by xxx' then if he doesn't let you know you know in plenty of time?

To be honest, I wouldn't do any swaps. My ex has our daughter every other weekend, we never did swaps. 

I see you have it covered now anyway, I would have tried the babysitting option first or asked if the ex would be available as an 'additional' day, not a swap. Something 'it's mams birthday before I get a sitter, I wondered if you'd like her an additional day'?

I meant baby sitting falls on my Mum in general. 

Yeh he's really manipulative and would use into against me. If i mentioned the birthday, he would def say no. 

At least you would know it was a 'no' though, at the moment you say it's the lack of replying to you to say he's unable to swap that leaves you in limbo.

Going forward, I'd offer it as an additional day (no swap) or just get a sitter. I wouldn't ask to swap. 

ironlady2022

74jax said:

ironlady2022 said:

74jax said:

Why don't you email and say 'if you can swap, can you let me know by xxx' then if he doesn't let you know you know in plenty of time?

To be honest, I wouldn't do any swaps. My ex has our daughter every other weekend, we never did swaps. 

I see you have it covered now anyway, I would have tried the babysitting option first or asked if the ex would be available as an 'additional' day, not a swap. Something 'it's mams birthday before I get a sitter, I wondered if you'd like her an additional day'?

I meant baby sitting falls on my Mum in general. 

Yeh he's really manipulative and would use into against me. If i mentioned the birthday, he would def say no. 

At least you would know it was a 'no' though, at the moment you say it's the lack of replying to you to say he's unable to swap that leaves you in limbo.

Going forward, I'd offer it as an additional day (no swap) or just get a sitter. I wouldn't ask to swap. 

I offered a swap cos it was eating
 into his time. Offered up her birthday weekend on the Sun (birthday on Sat) and still not enough incentive for him. Ultimately cos he doesn't care. 

pinkshoes

ironlady2022 said:

In my most recent request, i chased up and said if I didn't hear from him by a certain date, then i would take it as he agrees with swap. 

And lo and behold, my email prompted a same day response to say 'i disagree with the swap'. 

I'm sorry but I agree with your ex.

You say your ex is really manipulative, but the bit I've highlighted in bold is equally really manipulative behaviour.

You are forcing him to reply and by not replying it goes in your favour.

If he doesn't want to reply then although that's annoying it's his right. 

Just stick to the schedule. By all means ask to swap but if he doesn't want to then fair enough.

ironlady2022

pinkshoes said:

ironlady2022 said:

In my most recent request, i chased up and said if I didn't hear from him by a certain date, then i would take it as he agrees with swap. 

And lo and behold, my email prompted a same day response to say 'i disagree with the swap'. 

I'm sorry but I agree with your ex.

You say your ex is really manipulative, but the bit I've highlighted in bold is equally really manipulative behaviour.

You are forcing him to reply and by not replying it goes in your favour.

If he doesn't want to reply then although that's annoying it's his right. 

Just stick to the schedule. By all means ask to swap but if he doesn't want to then fair enough.

Please don't be judgemental without knowing my full situation. 

He's the one who has on countless times not replied to me and then turning up and saying the agreement was ok based on his none reply. So I'm just trying to prevent it moving forward.