Step parent title

LillythePink

At around 4 yo, my daughter asked me if she could call my OH Dad and i said it's up to you.  She didn't mention it for a while and then asked me again in front of my parents (my mother thought the sun shone out of ex's butt...at the time), and i said the same thing - it's your choice and your decision.

She did end up calling him dad (and he was over the moon as he can't have children)

I know my ex was probably hurt but if he had tried to be a better dad then it may not have happened - many things went on especially with his new wife so much so, that my daughter ended up changing her name to my OH's (we were married by then)

I didn't encourage my daughter - she came to her own decision - people may say that at 4 she wouldn't know, but she did.  She also kept moaning at us whenever we referred to her actual dad by that name - she said no, his name is (name) not dad

It's difficult as i can see the hurt that this would have on your OH, but it depends on if it's what the child wants or is being brain washed into the name.

The only thing you can do is support him and make sure that he's there for his child and if he has to refer to them, call them Mummy and (name)

HampshireH

I don't think at 4 the child should be corrected 

I think it's irrelevant who suggested it, it's what the child is happy with that counts. And yes it's hurtful..

However "daddy xxxx" won't last forever it will be "dad" sooner rather than later and your ex needs to appreciate that when the child gets older they will abbreviate it when talking directly to her step dad 

Though likely in conversation he would still be "daddy xxx". It's just natural for kids to shorten the works and drop "daddy" as a phrase as they age.

I think the whole she met him and his family very quickly etc is in the past. It's been two years, that's no longer relevant and you husband should be so happy that his child has a safe and stable care giver in their primary home, who they are comfortable with.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

I've been having a think about this. I spoke to OH and said ultimately, we are not going to know what is being said at the other house so that we need to let this go. At our house it will be Mummy & <Name> and Daddy and <Name>. 

I am aware the Daddy <Name> will be dropped to Daddy eventually - OH hasn't realised this yet....  

I didn't mean the child wouldn't know who her parents were - I meant more that the child wouldn't fully understand the whole parent / step parent thing. Most of the children (if not all at the moment) that the child comes into contact with just has a Mummy and a Daddy, not 2 other adults as well.

The whole "they met and was introduced" - That was actually another poster and not me - I genuinely hope the relationship goes well (more because the child has an attachment to the partner and I wouldn't want the child to suffer if they were to break up - and also because I really don't want them to have another "Daddy <Name version 2>) 

I suggested that we meet up with Mum & Partner in a café or somewhere so its relaxed so we can clear the air, have a chat about things etc but that was veto'd. 

Everything was quiet yesterday, and so far today - Will see what the weekend brings when we have access. 

Thanks for the replies. 

Shelldean

Ok I have two situations very similar to this.

This first was my own. When I got together with my now hubby I had already small child. Initially my partner as he was then was known as (Name) however I then became pregnant and we knew this may cause problems with names etc.
So we started calling him Daddy (name) child was still visiting their paternal grandparents with the father being there sporadically. He wasn't very happy with this South much like your OH.

But we was trying to blend everything.
Over time WE rarely has time for his daughter. And once I'd had the twins the daddy (name) faded away and he became Daddy.
Ex became just name.

This situation has continued for next almost thirty years. With my husband being the one who gave her away recently and is known as grandad!

But this is a situation where the actual father wasn't in the child's life like your OH. 

The second situation is more like yours.
Mum and dad split when child was small.
Mum moved on quickly had another child. and tried to get her new partner called Daddy (name) but her eldest. Didn't happen.
Then moved on again. With her new bloke being call daddy by her second child. But the first child has always seen his dad, often against a barrage of abuse and arguments. But has held firm in seeing his child.
His ex sees nothing wrong with her second child calling her new partner dad, but has clearly stated that her first child will never call his current partner step mum.
Very double standards!

Mum has since had a third child by the third partner and both her youngest children call him dad. And she herself calls her a step mum to his child from a previous relationship!!.
Thankfully due to dad literally fighting to see his child, maintain a relationship and its generally staying in his life has resulted in him not call his mum's partner dad and he still calls his dad ....Dad!

All so bizarre!!

A talk may well help. But Mum not see that there is problem.
I know my relatives ex couldn't see the problem
And tbh while I could see the problems I was trying to sort out  things so everyone was happy. But in my case the EX just step up and actually be a father. So he slowly lost the title dad!

Sorry I've rambled and I've no idea if this will help you in shape or form.

But you're not alone xx

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

I completely understand someone being called dad if the biological one doesn't step up. But in this case, he's very much around. When we don't have access, there are phone calls to the child. 

The Ex doesn't have any other children (her partner does) 

I like to think what's happened is partners kid has said 'daddy', the child heard it and has said it, and it wasn't corrected. It's then been used on a daily basis when the other child isn't around. (I'm not saying this is what has happened, I just prefer this version other than the ex has forced this)

I think it's just going to have to be something we ignore, but I did mention the prospect of how many 'daddies' there will be if they break up 

ontheroad1970

Shelldean said:

Ok I have two situations very similar to this.

This first was my own. When I got together with my now hubby I had already small child. Initially my partner as he was then was known as (Name) however I then became pregnant and we knew this may cause problems with names etc.
So we started calling him Daddy (name) child was still visiting their paternal grandparents with the father being there sporadically. He wasn't very happy with this South much like your OH.

But we was trying to blend everything.
Over time WE rarely has time for his daughter. And once I'd had the twins the daddy (name) faded away and he became Daddy.
Ex became just name.


Thankfully due to dad literally fighting to see his child, maintain a relationship and its generally staying in his life has resulted in him not call his mum's partner dad and he still calls his dad ....Dad!

All so bizarre!!

A talk may well help. But Mum not see that there is problem.
I know my relatives ex couldn't see the problem
And tbh while I could see the problems I was trying to sort out  things so everyone was happy. But in my case the EX just step up and actually be a father. So he slowly lost the title dad!

Sorry I've rambled and I've no idea if this will help you in shape or form.

But you're not alone xx

Bit in Bold - do you mean He rarely had time for his daughter?

ontheroad1970

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel said:

theoretica said:

You will be up against the expectation that children use some title for adults in their life - and can you think of a better title that won't need explaining all the time?  I am 'auntie' to a few kids, but they aren't confused about who their relative aunts are and who their parents' friends are.

I still think, later in life, we should be <name> rather than Mummy <Name> / Daddy <Name>. Interestingly the ex is from a blended family - She refuses to call her step mum (Who is married to her father) by any other name except her actual name. Her step mother and father have been together for a number of years and have 2 more children together....

cheeky-peach said:

It does sound like double standards here. My husband has an ex would made a massive fuss about not introducing their daughter to me for 6 months after we got together, which I totally understand but when she met someone, within weeks he was staying over and the children (my SD and her sister) were spending pretty much all their time with her new partners family etc. 

I wouldn't like the 'Daddy/Mummy <name>' thing either but I think it's probably too late now since the child is already in that routine. It's one of those frustrations of a blended family for me, the lack of say in such matters from both biological parents - it tends to be all one parent.

Personally, I think the child is still young enough for this to be quickly amended - it would however mean ALL sides using the same terms, which isn't happening at the moment.  

I appreciate a lot of the day to day decisions will be down to the parent with care (I am a parent with care, I know I don't run every little thing past my ex) however, "big" things, I would absolutely discuss with my ex. This is ultimately a big thing. its family dynamics. What would happen for example, if they broke up. Would he continue to see the child? doubtful - Will the child get a new "daddy".

I have mentioned to OH today that maybe we should have a meeting with just the 4 adults and try and clear the air. He doesn't think it will do any good..... 

I think it would be unfair on their own children to have to change how they address their own father.  I suspect this is part of the reasoning behind the 4 year old using Dad in some shape or form.

Mojisola

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel said:

I completely understand someone being called dad if the biological one doesn't step up. But in this case, he's very much around. When we don't have access, there are phone calls to the child. 

The Ex doesn't have any other children (her partner does) 

I like to think what's happened is partners kid has said 'daddy', the child heard it and has said it, and it wasn't corrected. It's then been used on a daily basis when the other child isn't around. (I'm not saying this is what has happened, I just prefer this version other than the ex has forced this)

I think it's just going to have to be something we ignore, but I did mention the prospect of how many 'daddies' there will be if they break up 

These things usually bother the adults around them more than the children.

I know someone who was born as a result of an affair - the couple stayed together for some years after the baby arrived - the child called their mother's husband (totally unrelated) Daddy; the genetic father was called Daddy Name; and the man she moved in with when she left the marriage was called just Name.

The relationship the child had with each of these men would have been the same whatever titles/names were used.

silvercar

ontheroad1970 said:

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel said:

theoretica said:

You will be up against the expectation that children use some title for adults in their life - and can you think of a better title that won't need explaining all the time?  I am 'auntie' to a few kids, but they aren't confused about who their relative aunts are and who their parents' friends are.

I still think, later in life, we should be <name> rather than Mummy <Name> / Daddy <Name>. Interestingly the ex is from a blended family - She refuses to call her step mum (Who is married to her father) by any other name except her actual name. Her step mother and father have been together for a number of years and have 2 more children together....

cheeky-peach said:

It does sound like double standards here. My husband has an ex would made a massive fuss about not introducing their daughter to me for 6 months after we got together, which I totally understand but when she met someone, within weeks he was staying over and the children (my SD and her sister) were spending pretty much all their time with her new partners family etc. 

I wouldn't like the 'Daddy/Mummy <name>' thing either but I think it's probably too late now since the child is already in that routine. It's one of those frustrations of a blended family for me, the lack of say in such matters from both biological parents - it tends to be all one parent.

Personally, I think the child is still young enough for this to be quickly amended - it would however mean ALL sides using the same terms, which isn't happening at the moment.  

I appreciate a lot of the day to day decisions will be down to the parent with care (I am a parent with care, I know I don't run every little thing past my ex) however, "big" things, I would absolutely discuss with my ex. This is ultimately a big thing. its family dynamics. What would happen for example, if they broke up. Would he continue to see the child? doubtful - Will the child get a new "daddy".

I have mentioned to OH today that maybe we should have a meeting with just the 4 adults and try and clear the air. He doesn't think it will do any good..... 

I think it would be unfair on their own children to have to change how they address their own father.  I suspect this is part of the reasoning behind the 4 year old using Dad in some shape or form.

I know of a case where the efforts to ensure the ‘Dad’ label wasn’t attached to the non biological father led to the biological kids of the Dad using his first name. 

ontheroad1970

silvercar said:

ontheroad1970 said:

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel said:

theoretica said:

You will be up against the expectation that children use some title for adults in their life - and can you think of a better title that won't need explaining all the time?  I am 'auntie' to a few kids, but they aren't confused about who their relative aunts are and who their parents' friends are.

I still think, later in life, we should be <name> rather than Mummy <Name> / Daddy <Name>. Interestingly the ex is from a blended family - She refuses to call her step mum (Who is married to her father) by any other name except her actual name. Her step mother and father have been together for a number of years and have 2 more children together....

cheeky-peach said:

It does sound like double standards here. My husband has an ex would made a massive fuss about not introducing their daughter to me for 6 months after we got together, which I totally understand but when she met someone, within weeks he was staying over and the children (my SD and her sister) were spending pretty much all their time with her new partners family etc. 

I wouldn't like the 'Daddy/Mummy <name>' thing either but I think it's probably too late now since the child is already in that routine. It's one of those frustrations of a blended family for me, the lack of say in such matters from both biological parents - it tends to be all one parent.

Personally, I think the child is still young enough for this to be quickly amended - it would however mean ALL sides using the same terms, which isn't happening at the moment.  

I appreciate a lot of the day to day decisions will be down to the parent with care (I am a parent with care, I know I don't run every little thing past my ex) however, "big" things, I would absolutely discuss with my ex. This is ultimately a big thing. its family dynamics. What would happen for example, if they broke up. Would he continue to see the child? doubtful - Will the child get a new "daddy".

I have mentioned to OH today that maybe we should have a meeting with just the 4 adults and try and clear the air. He doesn't think it will do any good..... 

I think it would be unfair on their own children to have to change how they address their own father.  I suspect this is part of the reasoning behind the 4 year old using Dad in some shape or form.

I know of a case where the efforts to ensure the ‘Dad’ label wasn’t attached to the non biological father led to the biological kids of the Dad using his first name. 

That's fine if everyone is comfortable with it.  My nephews on my wife's side who are 21 and 23 respectively call their parents by their first name, it jars a little to me, but their parents don't mind it.  At a much younger age it would bother me.