Step parent title

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

I'm purposely posting this to get a reply from an "outsider" for a unbiased opinion. 

Me and OH have been together 2 years. His Ex-wife and her Partner have been together just a tad longer. My partner and his ex have a child together who is 4 and we have regular contact. Ex wife and partner moved in together around 8 months ago. 

Approx 4 months ago, we noticed the child was calling the new partner daddy <Name>. My partner spoke to ex and asked her to discourage this. Ex said she would try. 

It has become apparent this hasn't happened, with ex now using the term "Daddy <Name>" which is encouraging the child. When asked about it, ex has informed us that it is the child's decision to use that name and that's that. 

Now - My OH is clearly unhappy about this. Ex and her partner don't really see it being an issue. 

I'm on the stance of the child knows who her daddy is, but that it must be confusing and our family structure should remain Mummy/Daddy and me and the partner should be referred to by our names. It's also upsetting my OH.  

Thinking a head - Neither of us have actually been in the relationships long. If ex and partner were to break up, would the next person also be "Daddy <Name>" ?!  

Any suggestions on how to handle this situation? 

KxMx

I understand that your OH is unhappy but if the child is happy and comfortable using the term they are using, that should come first.

I think perhaps your OH needs to realise this man is to all intents and purposes "Daddy Name", the resident "dad" to child, even if he dislikes that fact. 

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

KxMx said:

I understand that your OH is unhappy but if the child is happy and comfortable using the term they are using, that should come first.

I think perhaps your OH needs to realise this man is to all intents and purposes "Daddy Name" even if he dislikes that fact. 

See I did initially think that - but I also don't think that this has come from the child in the first instance. 

I have told OH that the partner is - and will continue to be - the figure because ultimately, he lives with the child and that we should try and find a middle ground. I also know that Ex has told OH that she will not allow me to be mummy <Name> (and neither would I want to be referred to as that - my own children wouldn't like it for a start) 

The bit I didn't put in my post - is that we are constantly jumping through hoops with the ex. This is just one more thing that pushed OH over. The "issue" we had a few weeks ago is that on our weekend, OH was rota'd to work (First time this has ever happened)  and it could not be swapped so I had the child for a few hours whilst he was at work. The ex, although she appears to get along with me, told my OH he needed to get a new job...... 

theoretica

You will be up against the expectation that children use some title for adults in their life - and can you think of a better title that won't need explaining all the time?  I am 'auntie' to a few kids, but they aren't confused about who their relative aunts are and who their parents' friends are.

cheeky-peach

It does sound like double standards here. My husband has an ex would made a massive fuss about not introducing their daughter to me for 6 months after we got together, which I totally understand but when she met someone, within weeks he was staying over and the children (my SD and her sister) were spending pretty much all their time with her new partners family etc. 

I wouldn't like the 'Daddy/Mummy <name>' thing either but I think it's probably too late now since the child is already in that routine. It's one of those frustrations of a blended family for me, the lack of say in such matters from both biological parents - it tends to be all one parent.

TBagpuss

It seems like a reasonable way to deal with the situation - if they were calling their step-dad 'Daddy' and starting to call your partner by his name or 'Daddy his name' then I think it would be more reasonable to be upset, but as it is, 'Daddy-Name'  for step dad is a fairly common and very reasonable way of dealing with it.

The child knows who their parents are, and it's surely a good thing that they have a good enough relationship with step -dad that they see him as part of the family. 

This is someone who has been part of this child's life doe more than half their life , try to encourage your partner to see it as a good thing for his child that they have extra, loving adults in their life, who they have a strong, positive relationship with. It doesn't take anything away from his own relationship with his child, he is their Daddy.

And even if the name originated with ex or her partner, trying to force the child to stop using it, or making it into an issue, is not going to benefit the child, they are just going to be put into a situation where there is increased tension or where they are put in the middle of a tug of war, or where they feel that they can't be open in one home about what happens or what names they use in the other. None of those things are good for the child. 

Your partner can't change how his ex behaves, or her double standard about y and her own partner, but your partner can control how he behaves, and whether he acts in ways which increase the tension, and the pressure that puts on his child, or whether he focuses on the child rather than on his ex, and does what is best and les stressful for them. 

And if, at some point in the future, the child does start to call you 'mummy-name' then the advice would be the same - let them call you want they want, encourage your own children to recognise that you are all part of a wider family group, and that families come in lots of difference shapes and sizes.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

theoretica said:

You will be up against the expectation that children use some title for adults in their life - and can you think of a better title that won't need explaining all the time?  I am 'auntie' to a few kids, but they aren't confused about who their relative aunts are and who their parents' friends are.

I still think, later in life, we should be <name> rather than Mummy <Name> / Daddy <Name>. Interestingly the ex is from a blended family - She refuses to call her step mum (Who is married to her father) by any other name except her actual name. Her step mother and father have been together for a number of years and have 2 more children together....

cheeky-peach said:

It does sound like double standards here. My husband has an ex would made a massive fuss about not introducing their daughter to me for 6 months after we got together, which I totally understand but when she met someone, within weeks he was staying over and the children (my SD and her sister) were spending pretty much all their time with her new partners family etc. 

I wouldn't like the 'Daddy/Mummy <name>' thing either but I think it's probably too late now since the child is already in that routine. It's one of those frustrations of a blended family for me, the lack of say in such matters from both biological parents - it tends to be all one parent.

Personally, I think the child is still young enough for this to be quickly amended - it would however mean ALL sides using the same terms, which isn't happening at the moment.  

I appreciate a lot of the day to day decisions will be down to the parent with care (I am a parent with care, I know I don't run every little thing past my ex) however, "big" things, I would absolutely discuss with my ex. This is ultimately a big thing. its family dynamics. What would happen for example, if they broke up. Would he continue to see the child? doubtful - Will the child get a new "daddy".

I have mentioned to OH today that maybe we should have a meeting with just the 4 adults and try and clear the air. He doesn't think it will do any good..... 

pickledonionspaceraider

Calling someone Daddy after four months is way too soon to be encouraging that kind of relationship IMO

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

TBagpuss said:

It seems like a reasonable way to deal with the situation - if they were calling their step-dad 'Daddy' and starting to call your partner by his name or 'Daddy his name' then I think it would be more reasonable to be upset, but as it is, 'Daddy-Name'  for step dad is a fairly common and very reasonable way of dealing with it.

The child knows who their parents are, and it's surely a good thing that they have a good enough relationship with step -dad that they see him as part of the family. 

This is someone who has been part of this child's life doe more than half their life , try to encourage your partner to see it as a good thing for his child that they have extra, loving adults in their life, who they have a strong, positive relationship with. It doesn't take anything away from his own relationship with his child, he is their Daddy.

And even if the name originated with ex or her partner, trying to force the child to stop using it, or making it into an issue, is not going to benefit the child, they are just going to be put into a situation where there is increased tension or where they are put in the middle of a tug of war, or where they feel that they can't be open in one home about what happens or what names they use in the other. None of those things are good for the child. 

Your partner can't change how his ex behaves, or her double standard about y and her own partner, but your partner can control how he behaves, and whether he acts in ways which increase the tension, and the pressure that puts on his child, or whether he focuses on the child rather than on his ex, and does what is best and les stressful for them. 

And if, at some point in the future, the child does start to call you 'mummy-name' then the advice would be the same - let them call you want they want, encourage your own children to recognise that you are all part of a wider family group, and that families come in lots of difference shapes and sizes.

Sorry I missed this as I cross posted. 

I'm not sure at 4, the child fully understands blended families. I have said in the past to view things as "more adults for <child> to turn to throughout life". I've also said it might be great because both me and the other partner have older kids so we have the experience that my OH and his ex don't have. 

I also don't think this has come from the child. That's my niggle. I genuinely think this has been encouraged by the ex and i do think it was done purposely. There already is a lot of tension, this is just the straw that broke the camels back IYSWIM. 

If the child came to me and called me Mummy <Name>, I would have a conversation with the child about it and I would explain that I am not Mummy but that I do love them very much. That title isn't mine to take. 

pickledonionspaceraider said:

Calling someone Daddy after four months is way too soon to be encouraging that kind of relationship IMO

Sorry - I think you may have misread/I wasnt clear - They have only lived together for a short length of time, They have been in a relationship for just over 2 years. 

HRH_MUngo

I think they should call the step-parent by their name, if their natural parent is on the scene.

TBagpuss

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel said:

Sorry I missed this as I cross posted. 

I'm not sure at 4, the child fully understands blended families. I have said in the past to view things as "more adults for <child> to turn to throughout life". I've also said it might be great because both me and the other partner have older kids so we have the experience that my OH and his ex don't have. 

I also don't think this has come from the child. That's my niggle. I genuinely think this has been encouraged by the ex and i do think it was done purposely. There already is a lot of tension, this is just the straw that broke the camels back IYSWIM. 

If the child came to me and called me Mummy <Name>, I would have a conversation with the child about it and I would explain that I am not Mummy but that I do love them very much. That title isn't mine to take. 

I think that even at 4, where they are spending time with both parents children do understand who their own mum and dad are - they may not fully understand all of the details but if they are spending time regularly with their dad then they are not going to be confused about who he is or who he is to them, and while I understand that it can feel important to you as adults, the main thig is the actual relationship that they had with you.

I would also agree that ideally, it's the sort of thing which is discussed and agreed in advance with all the adults, BUT based on decades of working with families in conflict, the single most important thing to bear in mind is that what harms children is where they are exposed to conflict and put in the middle of disagreement between their parents. 

This is where the part about focusing on what you can change rather than what you can't. You can't make the ex behave in a fir, child forced way. You can make sure that *your* focus is on whether you are acting in a way which will increase, or decrease the stress on the child, and the tension or conflict they are exposed to.  

It's hard, because it means that you so, do an extent, let the unreasonable behaviour pass . It feels unfair because it is unfair. But ideally, your focus as a parent should be on what is best for your child, rather than what is fair between you and your ex. 

Obviously it is up to you whether or not you would let a child call you mummy<name>  or not, but I do think there is a lot to be said for letting children call you the name that feels right to them. What pretty much all the titles mean s that you are an important person in their life, the more biologically accurate discussions can come when they are older, if it's really important