Ex Wife Needs Help With Childcare

salesman1979

ABFG said:

OP - I have a distance between me and my kids as well, it's hard optimising what's best when a routine is broken. But it sounds like your issue here is 'extra' unplanned weekends, as in over and above your expected costs. Is there any mileage for you to save some money in saying you will go there, stay in a cheap hotel nearby and use the facilities at ex's house to feed/entertain the kids while she's at work? That would get rid of the kids' train costs, allow you to see the eldest if they aren't interested in travelling any more and you can pass back some of the food costs etc. Effectively the £93 ticket instead pays for the hotel and then there would be some savings for you. Dare I say it, but if ex is amenable (and you) even cut out the hotel and stay there in a spare room/sofa for those few occasions?

I don't know exactly your arrangements, but this might suit the kids having to travel less, you have to travel less, might be easier for them to be involved in weekend activities/friends etc.

I don’t think there is. The return cost for me is still £50 and then I’d need to get hotel for 2 nights on top of that. 

Then there’s the disruption of my life too. I see my girlfriend on the weekends I don’t have the kids, obviously if they’re at mine she can come over, if I’m in Solihull she can’t. So again it’s one thing after another. 

There are costs associated with me having the kids on extra unplanned weekends such as my inability to work those weekends, feeding and entertaining them all etc. but I’m ok with that as it also means I get to see a bit more of them. I feel that expecting me to absorb those additional costs as well as the travel is simply unfair. And this is before we even get to the part where I’m treated like the bad guy on the one occasion I say I can’t help out for whatever reason. 

BrassicWoman

I think you've taken the original draft email suggested to you and filled it with sniping. It's just going to get her back up.

Shorter is better. Take out every bit of emotion.

TBagpuss

salesman1979 said:

Ok I have drafted the following email 

Ex Wife

I want to clarify my position regarding your request to help out by having the kids on additional weekends in order to assist you with your new job. 

Originally you advised that your mum would be able to help you most of the time and the suggestion was that asking me would be a last resort. You said you could give me at least 4 weeks notice when my help would be required. Based on this initial conversation I agreed to help out as I’d love to spend more time with the kids. 

A week or so later I had some questions which I felt we should clarify so as to manage each other’s expectations. 

1. I asked what would happen if I were unable to help on any particular weekend. I stressed that most of the time this shouldn’t be an issue and that if I had plans that were simply a night out that I’d be happy to cancel unless it were a special occasion, but that if my plans were more of an “event” such as a concert, a sporting event or weekend away etc that these plans couldn’t be changed and that I’d have to decline. What I wanted to clarify here were your expectations., to be clear that while I am happy to help there may be times when I can't do so. Am I expected to agree every time I’m asked? Would I be vilified if I am unable to help out on occasion?

2. What if your mum had to let you down at the last minute? Am I expected to drop everything in order to help out at short notice?

3. How do the kids get to my home in Liverpool and who takes on the cost of this? Your opinion here was that I absorb this cost without question. There are of course alternatives to me travelling to Solihull on the train to collect them and then all 6 of us returning on the train to Liverpool. I proposed that you could put them on a direct Birmingham to Liverpool train with Daughter in charge as she’s 17. You could of course drive them here if you wished. If you wanted to use the trains then I’m happy for my family railcard to be used in order to reduce the cost to roughly £64 return for all 5 children. As I often work on the weekends I’m not scheduled to regularly have the kids I would lose out financially by not being available to work and so in turn I couldn’t absorb the cost of bringing them to Liverpool. 

4. How frequent will this be? You haven’t been able to answer this nor have you provided any dates you know your mum definitely can’t help you out even though you’ve mentioned this a few times. Whilst I’m happy to help where I can, we already know that my having the kids on consecutive weekends leads to the older boys not wanting to come to me the following weekend which would be my regular weekend anyway, as they then haven’t seen their friends at the weekends for too long. I wouldn’t want to get into the habit of swapping weekends as then I potentially go almost 3 weeks between visits after helping you out.   It would also be heloful if you could cofnirrm any dates you already know of when you mum won't be available.

I have tried to have this discussion with you over the phone but you got upset and took it as me trying to wriggle out of our agreement which I’m not doing. I think these are valid concerns that need to be addressed. Your assertion that as their father I need to “step up” simply doesn’t apply here. I already see the kids as often as possible, I pay child maintenance (more than the CMS calculator suggests I pay) and on top of that I buy clothes and pay for mobile phones, iPads, Xbox subscriptions etc as well as fund their days out with friends, online game purchases etc. So far this year I’ve bank transferred over £600 to them in small payments. I even sent them home with clothes as they were upset that you were unable to buy them branded clothes and the older boys in particular didn’t want clothes from Primark. I offered to help you with the cost of your family holiday this summer when you told me you may have to cancel it as the cost of living increase means you may not be able to afford to pay it off before the deadline, this was on top of me giving you spending money for the kids. 

I’m not the bad guy in any of this, I always help out wherever I can. Other separated parents I’ve spoken to are telling me that I do far too much already but ultimately I do what I do for my childrens benefit. 

I would pare it down significantly. In your draft there is a lot of criticism of her and a lot of sniping. That's not helpful - it's understandable that you feel that way, but try to focus on the practicalities and specifics, not what your , or her motives or personal opinions are. 

Don't reference her claims about you 'stepping up' - if she choses to raise them in her reply then she can do so, but don't pre-empt it. And if she raises it , then again, keep I calm  - e.g. "I've made clear I'm happy to help, but unfortunately I won't be able to cover the extra costs, on top of what I already cover"

salesman1979

TBagpuss said:

salesman1979 said:

Ok I have drafted the following email 

Ex Wife

I want to clarify my position regarding your request to help out by having the kids on additional weekends in order to assist you with your new job. 

Originally you advised that your mum would be able to help you most of the time and the suggestion was that asking me would be a last resort. You said you could give me at least 4 weeks notice when my help would be required. Based on this initial conversation I agreed to help out as I’d love to spend more time with the kids. 

A week or so later I had some questions which I felt we should clarify so as to manage each other’s expectations. 

1. I asked what would happen if I were unable to help on any particular weekend. I stressed that most of the time this shouldn’t be an issue and that if I had plans that were simply a night out that I’d be happy to cancel unless it were a special occasion, but that if my plans were more of an “event” such as a concert, a sporting event or weekend away etc that these plans couldn’t be changed and that I’d have to decline. What I wanted to clarify here were your expectations., to be clear that while I am happy to help there may be times when I can't do so. Am I expected to agree every time I’m asked? Would I be vilified if I am unable to help out on occasion?

2. What if your mum had to let you down at the last minute? Am I expected to drop everything in order to help out at short notice?

3. How do the kids get to my home in Liverpool and who takes on the cost of this? Your opinion here was that I absorb this cost without question. There are of course alternatives to me travelling to Solihull on the train to collect them and then all 6 of us returning on the train to Liverpool. I proposed that you could put them on a direct Birmingham to Liverpool train with Daughter in charge as she’s 17. You could of course drive them here if you wished. If you wanted to use the trains then I’m happy for my family railcard to be used in order to reduce the cost to roughly £64 return for all 5 children. As I often work on the weekends I’m not scheduled to regularly have the kids I would lose out financially by not being available to work and so in turn I couldn’t absorb the cost of bringing them to Liverpool. 

4. How frequent will this be? You haven’t been able to answer this nor have you provided any dates you know your mum definitely can’t help you out even though you’ve mentioned this a few times. Whilst I’m happy to help where I can, we already know that my having the kids on consecutive weekends leads to the older boys not wanting to come to me the following weekend which would be my regular weekend anyway, as they then haven’t seen their friends at the weekends for too long. I wouldn’t want to get into the habit of swapping weekends as then I potentially go almost 3 weeks between visits after helping you out.   It would also be heloful if you could cofnirrm any dates you already know of when you mum won't be available.

I have tried to have this discussion with you over the phone but you got upset and took it as me trying to wriggle out of our agreement which I’m not doing. I think these are valid concerns that need to be addressed. Your assertion that as their father I need to “step up” simply doesn’t apply here. I already see the kids as often as possible, I pay child maintenance (more than the CMS calculator suggests I pay) and on top of that I buy clothes and pay for mobile phones, iPads, Xbox subscriptions etc as well as fund their days out with friends, online game purchases etc. So far this year I’ve bank transferred over £600 to them in small payments. I even sent them home with clothes as they were upset that you were unable to buy them branded clothes and the older boys in particular didn’t want clothes from Primark. I offered to help you with the cost of your family holiday this summer when you told me you may have to cancel it as the cost of living increase means you may not be able to afford to pay it off before the deadline, this was on top of me giving you spending money for the kids. 

I’m not the bad guy in any of this, I always help out wherever I can. Other separated parents I’ve spoken to are telling me that I do far too much already but ultimately I do what I do for my childrens benefit. 

I would pare it down significantly. In your draft there is a lot of criticism of her and a lot of sniping. That's not helpful - it's understandable that you feel that way, but try to focus on the practicalities and specifics, not what your , or her motives or personal opinions are. 

Don't reference her claims about you 'stepping up' - if she choses to raise them in her reply then she can do so, but don't pre-empt it. And if she raises it , then again, keep I calm  - e.g. "I've made clear I'm happy to help, but unfortunately I won't be able to cover the extra costs, on top of what I already cover"

I see your point however I’ve already sent it so too late to change lol. 

Plus she currently works for CAB so she will undoubtedly have sought advice from her colleagues. So now with me spelling everything out in black and white, I imagine she’ll show it to them and hopefully at least one will see that I’m being more than reasonable. 

ABFG

salesman1979 said:

I don’t think there is. The return cost for me is still £50 and then I’d need to get hotel for 2 nights on top of that. 

Then there’s the disruption of my life too. I see my girlfriend on the weekends I don’t have the kids, obviously if they’re at mine she can come over, if I’m in Solihull she can’t. So again it’s one thing after another. 

There are costs associated with me having the kids on extra unplanned weekends such as my inability to work those weekends, feeding and entertaining them all etc. but I’m ok with that as it also means I get to see a bit more of them. I feel that expecting me to absorb those additional costs as well as the travel is simply unfair. And this is before we even get to the part where I’m treated like the bad guy on the one occasion I say I can’t help out for whatever reason. 

Fair enough. I hope things pan out ok.

salesman1979

New development. 

She now says I’m not paying enough maintenance?! I’m self employed and she’s decided that I’m earning more than I’m telling her. I’m not, if anything it’s less. But I’d agreed to give her £600pm previously. She said she’s already spoken to CMS and they’ll be in contact shortly. So what do I do now? Do I pay maintenance this month based on my actual earnings in the last 12 months? Obviously I don’t want to overpay as I doubt I’ll ever see a penny of it back. 

salesman1979

Sorry I think I should probably ask the maintenance question on the main tent board. 

Lavendyr

While it's a bit late I agree with others that your email was too emotional and needed to just focus on the logistics and will almost certainly have got your ex's back up. Suggest that in future you wait for feedback. It sounds as though your email has indeed annoyed her and she has attacked back. I can't advise on the child maintenance but ultimately that can be determined by the government calculations. 

Edit to add: the most important thing you can both do is make things easy for the children. I speak from experience here. Even if that means putting up with problems and being the bigger person, the children come first. 

MalMonroe

I totally agree with Lavendyr. The most important people to be considered here are your children. Not what you and your ex want. (I also would not have sent that rambly email.) I have been in your ex's shoes. Husband moved out and went to live with girlfriend. Didn't move as far away as you have but that distance causes great problems. You may think you have your new life to live but what about your ex? She now has to care for five children on her own and have them for much longer periods of time. Her life now has become far more difficult. No wonder she's feeling peeved. Whose fault is it exactly that travel costs have been incurred? 

Pay your ex as much as you can. Who cares if you never see it again? Your ex has five children to raise alone. It is not easy to raise children on your own and it's also very expensive. 

You seem to be thinking of your wife as the bad guy here. She isn't. She's obviously feeling very abandoned and let down, before we even start thinking about the emotional stuff. Left with five children while their dad has skipped off to the other side of the country. 

Sorry but I'm backing your ex all the way. I don't think it was very wise in the first place for you to speak with her about hypothetical circumstances - i.e. what will happen if you're not always available. That was your first big boo boo and it's all gone downhill from there.

Please cut her some slack. I know from my own experience that her life is going to be hell for a while now. 

es5595

I suggest you work out whether you could house, feed and “clothe in labelled brands” all your children if they came to live with you full time, your ex took them for just one weekend a fortnight and contributed less than £600 a month towards them all! 

You chose to move however far away, it’s obvious that your sons are unhappy visiting as it’s so distant from their social circles, so surely you considered the financial impact then too?

You’re able to go to the CSA website and work out how much you should be paying. Have a careful look through the last year to make sure that all children have actually stayed at least 52 nights with you; if not you fall into a different bracket.