Ex Wife Needs Help With Childcare

salesman1979

My ex wife and I have 5 kids aged 8-17. I have them on alternate weekends and half school holidays. I pay maintenance- slightly more than the online calculator says and I also pay for clothes, phones, Xbox live subscriptions etc. The kids also ask me for money to go out with friends etc too as Mum always tells them she’s skint. 

She is about to start a new job which will be on a shift rotation and she’s asked if I’ll help out with childcare on what would normally be her weekend when required if her parents are unable to help her. Obviously I’ve provisionally agreed, any chance to have more time with the kids is always welcomed. She said she’ll always give me at least 4 weeks notice. 

After initially agreeing, I called her up to discuss times where I might have to say no. I pointed out that this may never happen or at most would be very rare but that if I’m booked to go to like a concert or something then I might have to say I can’t help her. We had a heated discussion about it which I think was her assuming I’m trying to back out of what was previously agreed. But I wasn’t doing that at all. Id just given the situation more thought and realised that 9 times out of 10 it shouldn’t be a problem, I just wanted to avoid an argument on the one time I said I couldn’t help. 

I’m not even sure how frequent this will be but she has already asked for help one weekend which is a little over 2 weeks after she starts the job. 

This brings me onto the cost. I get the train to collect the kids and I have a friends and family railcard. It costs me about £140 each weekend I have them just to go to collect them, bring them here, take them back and then for me to get back again. If I’m helping her out because she’s stuck is it reasonable for me to ask her to contribute to this cost? If it turned out to only happen once in a blue moon then fair enough, I wouldn’t ask for a penny. But if it became a frequent thing then I don’t think it’s fair that I just take it on the chin. 

Having any discussion with her about things like this never goes well. I’m sure we both think each other is difficult to deal with. 

She’s said multiple times that this is what I have to do as a parent and that it’s “stepping up as any parent should”. Whereas I think childcare arrangements on her weekend are her responsibility and whilst I’m more than happy to help where possible, ultimately it’s just that, help. It’s certainly not an obligation. 

pinkshoes

£140 travel?!?! How far is it??

Which one of you moved away? 

If you're doing her a favour then I would expect her to be paying the travel. Could she not put them in a prepaid taxi?? 

Jude57

In terms of saving costs, could the 17 year old not take charge of the younger siblings for the train journey to yours, OP? Of course they might not be able or willing to do so, and at that age are perhaps not traveling to see you as often, what with homework demands and friends. If they could do that, it would save you money and time, and of course you could still collect them from the station/see them off on the return leg.

I'm guessing that it's not possible to hire a people carrier for the weekends you have the children? If that's not possible for whatever reason, I'd look at the cost of taxis. Often, for regular trips, taxi firms will give a reduced rate and surely it would be quicker than train travel.

salesman1979

I live in Liverpool. I moved back here last year. They live in Solihull. 

I was driving to get them but the M6 on a Friday was proving to be a nightmare and a round trip could take me over 7 hours. 

I only had my car for getting the kids. I live in the city centre so I don’t really need a car. I got the train once and was home in 5 hours and it cost me about £40 more than it cost to fuel the car for those two round trips. Obviously with petrol prices now it’s probably less than £20 more expensive to get the train. 

On top of that there’s the work issue. I’m self employed doing energy assessments. On my weekends where I don’t have the kids I do extra on the Friday as I have all weekend to lodge them. On my weekends I do half a day then go for them. So potentially by helping her out not only am I doing half a day but I’m also not doing the extra one or two. So I lose money as well as having the expense of going to get them so that she can go to work. 

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

I have just had something similar relating to costs to see the children - The CSA/CMS state that it actually doesn't matter which person moved away. They take into account the cost to see the child and maintenance can be reduced due to this - It needs to go through as a "Special Expense" - Having dealt with the CSA for a number of years I had never heard of this until recently. 

I was told if you pay more than £10 a week getting to the child then they take this into consideration when calculating maintenance. 

The CSA will ask for things to prove the costs etc - In my case, my ex was asked to provide mileage, his car details (Model of car, Engine size etc). 

Link is here: 
https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/336663/variations-explained-paying.pdf

gwynlas

I think that you should consider staying over in Solihull if you have to take on additional weekends as it must be disrupting enough to your childrens social life if they are spending every other weekend away from home. Your ex might not like the idea but she could presumably stay at her parents home and it would be for her convenience and the childrens  well being.

cheeky-peach

@mini_arc_en_ciel That's interesting... we have a situation where my husband does a 7 hour round trip on a Friday, and then the Sunday to take his child home. He did try this and got told a big fat no.

salesman1979

I’m not bothered about the costs of collecting the kids on my weekends, it’s more about me helping her out but also being expected to take on those costs as well as everything else. It’s just not fair or reasonable. 

I tried discussing it with her last night, it went as well as expected. Now I’m the worst parent ever. 

salesman1979

pinkshoes said:

£140 travel?!?! How far is it??

Which one of you moved away? 

If you're doing her a favour then I would expect her to be paying the travel. Could she not put them in a prepaid taxi?? 

A return train from Liverpool to Birmingham is almost £50. Then a return from Birmingham to Liverpool for 2 adults plus 4 kids (me and daughter who is 17 being the adults) with my railcard is about £93. 

A taxi would take the same time as it used to take me to drive it and the cost would be £176 each way according to Uber. 

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

cheeky-peach said:

@mini_arc_en_ciel That's interesting... we have a situation where my husband does a 7 hour round trip on a Friday, and then the Sunday to take his child home. He did try this and got told a big fat no.

My ex travels 10 miles and they were considering it! The only reason it was rejected as my ex didn't tell them about his car 

Jude57

salesman1979 said:

pinkshoes said:

£140 travel?!?! How far is it??

Which one of you moved away? 

If you're doing her a favour then I would expect her to be paying the travel. Could she not put them in a prepaid taxi?? 

A return train from Liverpool to Birmingham is almost £50. Then a return from Birmingham to Liverpool for 2 adults plus 4 kids (me and daughter who is 17 being the adults) with my railcard is about £93. 

A taxi would take the same time as it used to take me to drive it and the cost would be £176 each way according to Uber. 

I can see how the train is easier but I'll ask again, could the 17 year old not take charge of the younger siblings for the train journey and you your ex drop them off/collect them at the station? That would save one adult return fare which in turn could pay for a taxi to/from the station.

Unless there's some reason preventing it, a 17 year old is well able to keep an eye on younger siblings. They might not WANT to, but, barring any special needs, there's no reason they can't. That would apply equally to the train journey and to babysitting for a few hours while mum works. At 17 I'd have jumped at the chance to earn some extra cash for doing that.