Pure Cremations

BooJewels

Northern_Tribe said:

[...] I would be very disappointed if a close family member chose a direct cremation, although I would never say anything to them. 

Well, I didn't just decide to go for a direct cremation for my own convenience or to save money - it was what the deceased chose and I honoured their wishes.  As you say, each to their own - we said goodbye in a way that suited us better - and it certainly didn't mean I love him any the less!

If you're worried about family members choosing an option you wouldn't approve of, make sure it is outlined somewhere - in your will or a life book etc - so that your survivors know and understand your wishes.  And if someone close to you chooses something you don't approve of for themselves, then just accept their choice and honour their wishes.

Northern_Tribe

BooJewels said:

Northern_Tribe said:

[...] I would be very disappointed if a close family member chose a direct cremation, although I would never say anything to them. 

Well, I didn't just decide to go for a direct cremation for my own convenience or to save money - it was what the deceased chose and I honoured their wishes.  As you say, each to their own - we said goodbye in a way that suited us better - and it certainly didn't mean I love him any the less!

If you're worried about family members choosing an option you wouldn't approve of, make sure it is outlined somewhere - in your will or a life book etc - so that your survivors know and understand your wishes.  And if someone close to you chooses something you don't approve of for themselves, then just accept their choice and honour their wishes.

I'm not worried, my family is well aware of my views. Why did you think I might be worried? There was nothing in my post that even hinted that was the case.

Of course, I would accept their choice. You have made an assumption about how I might act based on nothing I have said or done. Why do you think you did that? Do you often find yourself jumping to conclusions about how people might act based on no evidence?  Just because I would be disappointed does not mean I would not honour their wishes (assuming it was my choice alone, which it probably would not be). I'm not the funeral police imposing my will on the dead. In fact,  as I did say I wouldn't even let them know of my disappointment. It would be totally their choice and I would not be rude and give my two penn'orth.

Gers

. I felt it was very helpful to say goodbye and mark the passing of a greatly loved man

Perhaps it may have been your phrasing? 

However, I doubt that your reaction to BooJewels post is proportionate to what was a measured post. 

tooldle

My Dad had a direct cremation in 2013. He sensibly (in my opinion) bought a funeral bond with the Coop, when he retired from work. This allowed him to specify his preferences (preservation, ash scattering etc) and pay for them at 1996 prices. He was cremated in the nearest crematorium.
My Dad chose this as his own parents lived to ages of 94 and 95, and all other close relatives and friends had pre-deceased them them. It was just my parents and a couple of care staff at their funerals. 
As things turned out, i was mighty grateful for Dad's choice. Mum has dementia and attending a full blown funeral would not have been in her best interests. It also meant i was able to 'save' a full day of my 5 days bereavement leave and to put it to good use in sorting care for mum, and dealing with the myriad of other stuff that needs attention following a death. 
Booking a slot is still necessary, and we definitely were given a choice of times by the funeral director. 
I intend a direct cremation for myself. 

Northern_Tribe

Gers said:

. I felt it was very helpful to say goodbye and mark the passing of a greatly loved man

Perhaps it may have been your phrasing? 

It doesn't seem likely, my feelings on what I found helpful in one named instance don't impact anyone else. 

Gers

Northern_Tribe said:

Gers said:

. I felt it was very helpful to say goodbye and mark the passing of a greatly loved man

Perhaps it may have been your phrasing? 

It doesn't seem likely, my feelings on what I found helpful in one named instance don't impact anyone else. 

Seems very likely to me. 

BooJewels

I'm sorry if my comments were read in a way other than I intended.  But having been bereaved three times recently and arranged 3 funerals, conversations were had with other elderly family members around those times and it became evident that they held very strong views on the subject, but hadn't expressed them before.  So had they died before those conversations, those of us tasked with sorting out their affairs, may well have chosen options that they wouldn't have done for themselves.

So it gave us an opportunity to have those conversations and in each case I gave them a nice leather covered notebook and asked them to note down any thoughts they had in respect of their funeral arrangements and other wishes they have for that time. So both are dutifully making notes and I know in each instance where they keep them, so I can fulfil their wishes.

My comments were intended for anyone who might read here - if you have strong feelings on your future funeral - ensure that is a conversation you have with family or noted in some appropriate way.  If you've already had that conversation @Northern_Tribe  then that's good.   I suspect that many don't.

Gers

My late mother wanted a direct cremation - she was much loved and is still very much missed.  I knew the time and place of the event which was relayed to our families and friends many of whom marked it the way my DM asked for - sitting at home listening to 'Death and the Maiden'. We held a joyful celebration with a lot of laughter and champagne six months later (last year) when restrictions had been lifted. I scattered her ashes earlier this month in a beautiful place which she choose.

My very late father decided 25 years ago that a conventional funeral service was not for him.  Direct cremations were not widely known about then as I'm sure he'd have approved - as it was he wanted (and got) a (horrible) cardboard coffin and no religious element. He's scattered in the place of his choice too.

@Northern_Tribe - your late father had a highly religious service, I'd suggest that a direct cremation may not be suitable for those who hold such beliefs.  This thread is about direct cremations, not a discussion about the merits / demerits of personal mourning or for arguments.  Allow each to their own.

stewartjrl

Coming in late on this, I would second the comment about how rushed and crowded a "proper" service at a crematorium (or church) may be. This can also create a time problem, and I have never forgotten the occasion when my mother and I found ourselves at the start of someone else's service. We thought we were late (which theoretically we were) but the earlier services had all overrun badly so we had to try to extricate ourselves discreetly from the chapel to find all the rest of our groups waiting outside and staring at us in bewilderment: rather embarrassing, to say the least. I had many very long lived relatives when I was young and more than my fair share of cold miserable and poorly attended funeral services which I would not wish on anyone. However, I have also been to a couple of services so well attended that the "mourners" overflowed, and without doubt those particular sadly departed certainly deserved those kinds of celebration of their lives - and the services were treated as ".celebrations". I do not expect much of an attendance when I depart and I think the worst consequence for my children would be to have to endure a virtually empty chapel with hardly a voice to sing and any form of professional undertaker's solitary procession.