Helping my wife - struggling

SweetPotatoPie

Hi,

As previously advised - please contact health visitor. They will complete a home visit and complete an Edinburgh Postnatal depression Scale questionnaire. If it appears as though your wife may have post natal depression or similar then they will refer her to the Perinatal team who are specialists in parental mental health support. 

Good luck x 

otb666

Its a very hard time and seems to last forever but really quite a short time in reality.  When i breastfed I avoided cauliflower as this seemed to set my babies off. Due to Covid it must be quite isolating and obviously tiring. It helps if you can join mother and baby groups or make friends up the park. Its good that you are talking about it but it really its such a short time.  I was most probably suffering from Postnatal depression looking back I spent weeks in bed.  House was a mess etc. You are most probably both doing a brilliant job and should acknowledge that. 

HampshireH

There is an app called peanut for mums wanting to meet other mums (may have evolved a bit now to generically an app for women). Perhaps she could have a look. She may be able to chat with someone going through the same thing. 

She wouldn't have to actually meet people if she didn't want to but may find common ground /hints/tips for support

Sky_

Depending upon your finances, could you look into having a nanny or babysitter  from a reputable agency come to the house to look after your baby for 2-3 hours, once or twice a week, so that your wife can sleep or relax with a book or something?  It would give your wife a break in the middle of a long and stressful day.

A good agency might have a sitter who is experienced with young babies, who could give your wife some useful advice and support.

I'd also second the advice to seek support from breastfeeding groups, to chivvy the GP and HV into being more helpful and to join baby and toddler groups (your own baby's crying always sounds far worse to you than it does to other parents, so she shouldn't worry too much about your baby's crying being too loud or disruptive for the group).

thegreenone

My input is going to be very basic:

When feeding baby, make sure she is upright on the lap, whether breast or bottle.  We don't eat laying down, so why should a baby?  This helped me with my eldest and his digestion.

If not bottle feeding as a top up.  Do it.

Perhaps baby is thirsty.   Prepared a bottle of cooled boiled water and try her with that, if she is unsettled.

Slightly controversial:  I put towels under the head end of my son's cot mattress and in the pram. Enough to stop him laying completely flat but not so he would roll.  It worked for him/us

If you cannot get through to your surgery on the phone, it might be worth writing a letter to ask for HV and GP help.  Your surgery should have a box for Repeat Prescriptions - put it in there.

Good luck.  I wish you well.

mustiuc

Thank you all for replies. 

We used Infacol and Gripe water to help A. Occasionally Calpol was given when things were really out of control. It seemed to work but again, we were very close each time to the maximum dose so we had to "deal with or go over it". Infacol was useless, didn't helped much.
To help A sleeping we tried music, sounds, videos, darker room, every little advice we could find we tried it. For a while my wife is using Little Ones app which made some kind of routine for A but isn't always followed. This is also a catch22 situation where if the baby doesn't have her 9am or 12pm etc nap/sleep she will have a bad day later on or even worse be awake all day and half a night crying and being exhausted.
My wifes' "problem" is if she doesn't stay with A indoors to put her to sleep, follow the routine but go outside instead, A will miss her sleep and routine and will have hard time with A. Guess what? A doesn't sleep much, doesn't always follow the routine and if you dare to use the toilet(or start doing something else) whilst you think she is asleep, crying will be heard shortly. No wonder why my wife has a feeling of "can't do anything" 24/7.
My wife is hoping that introducing food pretty soon might resolve some things. At the end of the day is her choice and I respect it. She also was (is) against bottle feeding. 
Wife seems to be very protective and "over" the baby, whenever she goes out or tries to have some time for herself. She will call me or check on baby immediately (eg. leaving home, arriving at the supermarket and before she goes in I will get a call from her asking "how is A, is he okay, is she crying, is she hungry, etc?"), she left a work colleagues party too early just in case the baby might be hungry/crying - I`m not too worried about this but seems to be overprotective to me.
I repeat, household things such as cleaning, washing, cooking etc don't require much time and can be done in 30 minutes when baby is calm (also it seems A enjoys hoover's noise). My wife is also against getting someone to look after the baby - she doesn't like the idea/want it.
We will follow the HV and local groups/websites provided here and let's hope it will have an impact; if not, will carry on as we can.
BrassicWoman - I find you very toxic and unhelpful, please offer your comments somewhere else.

With all due respect I would like to end this message saying I feel like we are in a bad movie where what we feel, see and experience isn't so real or bad as it looks like. But we know how it is, feels and what we've done so far in these 5 months.

Anyways, thank you all for help and advice.

kimwp

I think BrassicWoman's comments were perfectly valid, not at all toxic and very helpful. 

Best of luck, hopefully things will get better with weaning or crawling.

Retireinten

My first baby was the opposite of text book. Sleep deprivation is one of the worst things to experience and it was extreme for months. I had no friends with children I could reach out to for help and little practical support from family. Husband was out the house 12 hours a day, long hours but a job he enjoyed that was not stressful. The wake up call was my six week check up and a tentative diagnosis of PND - looking back I am still not sure I had this, but I was suffering from sleep deprivation that was off the charts unhealthy. The things that help me:

- Pick up/Put down: My daughter would not sleep anywhere other than on/near me. As soon as she turned 12 weeks we started the pick up/put down routine at bedtime. It doesn't feel very pleasant but after three days she was putting herself to sleep in her cot and although waking up during the night, life became far more manageable. We got our nights back!
- Set bedtime routine: set a time, bath, pj's, story, bedtime. Whatever routine you decide on, stick with it, it will work and it  changes more than just bedtime! 
- Joining mother/baby groups: It's terrifying to be honest. You want to hide, you feel like a terrible mum because you can't manage your own baby.  But the alternative is isolation and spending your day alone... every day.  It gives you structure to your day, a reason to force some routine and your wife will meet people that are going through the same thing (honest) . There is massive comfort in knowing you're not alone. I joined a baby massage, baby sign and normal every day baby groups. I tried to have something planned most weekday mornings. If one group doesn't feel right, try another. 
- Moving to solids - Do it asap. My daughter was fully breast (she would not accept a bottle) and she was hungry.  Solids helped, breastfeeding became less important and therefore so did mum. I still breastfed until she was 18 months old, just at night. 
- Getting the right support from my husband: Hubby was going to sleep at 12 at night then getting up at 7 for work. I stayed up with baby all night trying to catch a bit of sleep but mainly waiting for the sun to come up whilst trying to keep daughter quiet.  She screamed most of the day so I was beyond sleep deprived. The 'new' routine became, husband to bed at 9pm. He would take over at 4am so I could get a few hours sleep before he went to work.   It needs to make sense to you both but if your wife can get some sleep during the night then there will be more scope/energy to change the daily routine. 
- Huggabub:  This is a make of a baby wrap but it gives you the idea. I used this with my second child but it would have been a game changer with my first. It gave me my freedom back with my son. I could fill the dishwasher with baby securely attached to me and with hands completely free and no screaming - it's these little things that start to make the difference. You start to see a glimmer of normal. 

Be sensible with you own leave. Family holidays will go on the back burner anyway, so take that odd half day and take baby away so wife can sleep or get out as a family.  

And consider sharing this thread with your wife so she knows she's not alone in this. It feels like forever when you're living through but it does get better. I went back to work when my daughter was 10 months old and we had got over the worst at that point. We both enjoyed our baby groups and she was becoming a little person that I actually liked spending time with.

My stubborn, strong minded, funny, gorgeous baby is now a stubborn, strong minded, funny, gorgeous 17 year old by the way. 

74jax

BrassicWoman said:

mustiuc said: We do not need a cleaner as our home is clean, either by her or me. We also cook, do shopping (together or her to relieve from staying with the baby) etc.

You need a cleaner unless it is 100% YOU doing the cleaning, while ALSO looking after the baby.

Totally agree if you can afford one, it's a life saver. We have a cleaner 2 hours a weeks and it is so much easier.