Helping my wife - struggling

mustiuc

Hi all, 

I need some help/advice as I am worried/concerned about my wife's welfare.
We had our first baby almost 5 months ago. She was difficult from day one, not sleeping and crying since was born. My wife had 3 unpleasant days in hospital and no support whatsoever and then went home where we started to learn and adapt to parent life.
Our baby doesn't rest properly, is tired and grumpy as she cannot sleep and also had to deal with colics which made it worse.
I am supporting my wife a lot, with household and baby needs, didn't had major issues since we are parents.
But due to my long hour shifts and working pattern I can see my wife is dealing with hard times, I find her tearful and exhausted. She denies and says it will get better but I believe this is the top of months of denial and thinking it will get better.
She's indoors many days a week and many times cannot go out due to the baby crying or being uncomfortable. 
We are alone and have no friends or family around. 
We had a couple of midwife and health visitor visits in the first 2 months but tbh apart from ticking boxes and filling paperwork they weren't too helpful. 
I don't know what to do.. I need to suport the house working and paying the bills but at the same time I don't want to "lose" my wife for a depression or breakdown.
I tried to keep this as short as possible, if I missed something let me know. 

Thank you in advance 

Savvy_Sue

As a former sufferer of PND, you both have my sympathies!

You could start by contacting the Health Visitor yourself, and say you are concerned for your wife, and for baby if she's often in pain. If you were able to be there yourself for a visit, you could try to ensure your wife doesn't put a brave face on it. There is no shame in what she's going through. 

HV may know of local support,  visits to new mums, phone volunteers etc.

But while you wait for that, here are national organisations which will hopefully help you, and help your wife see that she needs help.

https://pandasfoundation.org.uk/ has information, advice, support in multiple formats, and it's for dads as well as mums.

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/postnatal-depression-and-perinatal-mental-health/about-maternal-mental-health-problems/ may have local support.

https://www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/im-pregnant/mental-health-wellbeing/postnatal-depression-pnd

https://mothersformothers.co.uk/ is possibly a local organisation but they may know of something local to you.

One thing though, it could be really helpful if your wife could get out for a walk everyday, even if baby is unsettled and crying. I know that's easier said than done, I was practically a hermit. But unless it makes baby worse, it may help them both.

HampshireH

Completely agree with the getting out for a walk. Also local parent and baby coffee mornings or classes are fantastic for support.

Perhaps you could go to one together so your wife is supported on first class and doesn't feel too overwhelmed. Then she may have the confidence to go again.

You could engage with people there, make plans to meet someone outside next time so she recognises a friendly face for the week after.

sheramber

The first few months with a new baby are difficult and stressful.

Contact the health visitor and ask for a visit Explain how your wife is fining things very difficult.

If that brings no help then your wife should contact her GP as it sounds like she could be suffering from post natal depression.

It wold probably be helpful for your wife if you could go with her to see the GP.

Is there a Home Start local to you?  https://www.home-start.org.uk/find-support

sevenhills

mustiuc said:

She's indoors many days a week and many times cannot go out due to the baby crying or being uncomfortable. 
We are alone and have no friends or family around. 

If you are indoors, we all really need extra vitamins, especially vitamin D.
Could you pay for a cleaner?

Mojisola

If there is a local Home-Start group, contact them and ask for help.

www.home-start.org.uk/find-your-nearest-home-start

BrassicWoman

mustiuc said:

I am supporting my wife a lot, with household and baby needs, 

Just a word on language. You are not supporting her; you are pulling your weight around the house. Don't make it seems like everything is really her job and you are just helping out. Please be careful how you phrase it around her.

Can you take baby for a full day at the weekend, and let her sleep? And for an hour every morning or evening to let her have a shower? Leave anything more taxing until later.

The house will be messy until a sleep pattern is in place. Buy ready meals, get a laundry service, and ignore the dust for now.

Mojisola

mustiuc said:

She's indoors many days a week and many times cannot go out due to the baby crying or being uncomfortable. 
We are alone and have no friends or family around.

When my Mum had her first child, the health visitor said that if the baby was ever getting her down, get the baby into the pram and get out for a walk.

Very often, the change and the movement of the pram/buggy will settle the baby.

If it doesn't, a baby crying out in the open air is a lot less stressful than in a room.

She found it worked for all of us and we've done the same with all of ours.

In addition, try the GP again for the baby - a healthy baby shouldn't be so upset all the time.

pinkshoes

My eldest was a miserably grumpy baby. I used to count down the hours until DH got home from work when I could hand him over.

Waking from his afternoon nap he was at his most grumpy.

Getting out and walking is essential for sanity. Babies cry. Some much more than others. Put some headphones in and go for a 20 minute brisk walk twice a day. 

Things do get better. My son is now 11 and much less grumpy! 

MalMonroe

When our daughter was born we were living in Australia and had no relatives or help of any description whatsoever. I was on my own with her for 10 hours a day - my husband's work was an hour's drive away. The only health visitor available was a woman who held a clinic in the local church hall for three hours, once a week.

I realised later that I suffered from post natal depression at that time but wasn't aware it existed. 

Never thought to visit my local doctor or ask for help at all because I thought that was how all new mums felt. It wasn't. 

Is your baby breast fed? Mine was but it transpired that she wasn't getting enough food, she was similar to your daughter in that she was grumpy and didn't sleep much. I was absolutely exhausted.

My husband would come home from work and then roll his sleeves up to do everything in the home, including feeding us both and then caring for our daughter while I went to bed (at 7pm every night). He would wake me up when the baby cried for food because I didn't even know that you could express breast milk so that others could feed her too! He was absolutely exhausted too.

I think your baby needs to be seen by either a GP or a health visitor, or both. And regular contact with the health visitor would be good. I know you said that you didn't think they were very good but they are trained to care for new mothers and babies. Once I became aware that my daughter wasn't being satisfied by breast feeding she was given a bottle and she thrived and slept better and wasn't so grumpy and things did improve.

What about you having some holiday time from work? Or asking your boss if you can have some paternity leave as you are concerned about your wife? She certainly does need some 'me time' where she can get right away from her child and you, too. (No offence meant).

I also agree with those who say it would be beneficial for your wife to get out of the house and have a walk, or just a stroll. Doesn't have to be for long. 

Also agree with BrassicWoman, you're in this together. And the house can stay messy, you have to deal with the most important things first. 

I do think things will get better but also think you both need to seek some outside help (GP, health visitor, maybe Home Start). 

kimwp

Good on you for reaching out for advice. In addition to the above, I can offer the following from my sister's recent experience -
1. A well fed baby sleeps longer - if the baby not drinking enough at its feeds, try getting it to drink more or take a bottle as well. When it goes into solids, this might help.
2. (Annoyingly), sleep causes more sleep - the baby will sleep better if it's calm and cortisol rises if the baby is tired. Naps every two hours ish seems to be the four month old need for a good night's sleep.
3. A well rested mum is much better able to cope.
However, her baby does not have colic. I did and my parents still shudder at the memory 36 years later.

Definitely talk to the health visitor and GP about how your wife is feeling (ideally get her to if possible).