Helping my wife - struggling

mustiuc

Thank you all for your replies and links. Very useful.
I had a quick look and found that Home Start have an office in Cardiff which is handy and manageable to drive there. We will research all of them. Thank you again
My post today was after 3 calls from my wife during the day being overwhelmed by the situation. I contacted GP before posting here but my call was not answered. Didn't knew where to go somewhere else.
My wife went out with the baby and she started crying so much and loud that she had to go back home.
We are going out each time I am off and everyday I return from work she has "her time" to do whatever from shower, having a lie in, daily chat and overview of the day, etc. The problem is when I am at work she is alone for 12-14 hours. This can range from 1 day to 3 consecutive days until I am at home. This week I will be gone 4 days in Somerset for work related transition until I have some days off.
I did had a chat with her tonight and she will contact HV tomorrow - we tried in the past without much success, our messages remained unanswered. We'll try again.
MalMonroe described very well our life in the last 5 months, nights after nights awake with the baby in "our hands" at 2am, 4am,5am, anytime (not to insult someone by saying it was only me), doing everything in rounds whilst at home, etc. We do not need a cleaner as our home is clean, either by her or me. We also cook, do shopping (together or her to relieve from staying with the baby) etc.
We've been to the GP twice and "it's normal". We've been once to A&E and after we sat in there from 00 till 4am, again "it's normal, results are normal, checks are normal".
Going out with the baby or staying out whilst she is crying or upset is easy to say... done it many times 'till we were "forced" to go back.
Baby is breast feed, wife takes vitamins since found out she's pregnant and continues to this day, she was many times worried and crossed her mind that she might not have enough milk (I believe this is first thing to do, blame yourself or find the problem in yourself - is not the case).
Don't know what to say more to answer your questions, I don't want to transform this in a rant - as I said from the beginning my concern is her and how she deals whilst alone. When we are together we are doing fine, but when the day feels forever and she is counting the hours till I arrive home or asking me if I can leave early because she's close to a breakpoint, then there is a problem.

PS. Sorry for my chaotic writing. English is not my first language and I speed up my answers/thoughts.
PS2. Annual leave or time off cannot be done unfortunately, it was discussed and declined as they need me for this transition and then I can take time off. I changed jobs in January for a better pay/position and lost "all the benefits" of being long time employed.

Thank you for listening to us.

SootySweep1

Hi
When mine were babies there was a mother and baby clinic at my GP practice. It was run by health visitors and it was an opportunity to get my baby weighed & ask advice. It was good because you knew a health visitor would be there rather than trying to catch them on the phone.
Jen

Savvy_Sue

As your wife is breastfeeding, La Leche League could be another useful point of contact. There may well be a local support group, and if not phone and online. https://www.laleche.org.uk/

Also National Childbirth Trust may have a local breastfeeding counsellor or group, there's definitely online support. https://www.nct.org.uk/baby-toddler/feeding/early-days/breastfeeding-support-nct

kimwp

mustiuc said:

Thank you all for your replies and links. Very useful.
I had a quick look and found that Home Start have an office in Cardiff which is handy and manageable to drive there. We will research all of them. Thank you again
My post today was after 3 calls from my wife during the day being overwhelmed by the situation. I contacted GP before posting here but my call was not answered. Didn't knew where to go somewhere else.
My wife went out with the baby and she started crying so much and loud that she had to go back home.
We are going out each time I am off and everyday I return from work she has "her time" to do whatever from shower, having a lie in, daily chat and overview of the day, etc. The problem is when I am at work she is alone for 12-14 hours. This can range from 1 day to 3 consecutive days until I am at home. This week I will be gone 4 days in Somerset for work related transition until I have some days off.
I did had a chat with her tonight and she will contact HV tomorrow - we tried in the past without much success, our messages remained unanswered. We'll try again.
MalMonroe described very well our life in the last 5 months, nights after nights awake with the baby in "our hands" at 2am, 4am,5am, anytime (not to insult someone by saying it was only me), doing everything in rounds whilst at home, etc. We do not need a cleaner as our home is clean, either by her or me. We also cook, do shopping (together or her to relieve from staying with the baby) etc.
We've been to the GP twice and "it's normal". We've been once to A&E and after we sat in there from 00 till 4am, again "it's normal, results are normal, checks are normal".
Going out with the baby or staying out whilst she is crying or upset is easy to say... done it many times 'till we were "forced" to go back.
Baby is breast feed, wife takes vitamins since found out she's pregnant and continues to this day, she was many times worried and crossed her mind that she might not have enough milk (I believe this is first thing to do, blame yourself or find the problem in yourself - is not the case).
Don't know what to say more to answer your questions, I don't want to transform this in a rant - as I said from the beginning my concern is her and how she deals whilst alone. When we are together we are doing fine, but when the day feels forever and she is counting the hours till I arrive home or asking me if I can leave early because she's close to a breakpoint, then there is a problem.

PS. Sorry for my chaotic writing. English is not my first language and I speed up my answers/thoughts.
PS2. Annual leave or time off cannot be done unfortunately, it was discussed and declined as they need me for this transition and then I can take time off. I changed jobs in January for a better pay/position and lost "all the benefits" of being long time employed.

Thank you for listening to us.

The thing is, it is normal to be finding it really difficult when severely sleep deprived with a colic-y baby. The key question is, does your wife have post natal depression, which may need medical help - the charities mentioned or specifically asking the GP might help with that. (Even try Mumsnet and places like that)
The second question is how to get your wife more sleep, away from the crying and talking to other adults (possibly mums who've been through the same) which will help her cope. Outsourcing tasks like cleaning will free time for those activities.
My point about breastfeeding was not is she providing enough, but is the baby drinking enough in one go to keep it full for a long sleep. If the baby is getting distracted, crying etc then it may not be taking enough in one go.

london21

Sorry to hear this and hope things get better.

Try to encourage your wife to go out for walks with the baby or join a mother baby group sometimes talking with other mothers helps a lot.

I understand work is important and bills to be paid but once a while if you can take a day off, been home with a young baby can be very boring and lonely.

Get your wife to contact the GP or contact them as nowadays services not as good as they used to be easy to fall between the cracks.

Stay hopeful and positive, things will get better. 

Mojisola

mustiuc said:

We do not need a cleaner as our home is clean, either by her or me.

The suggestion of a cleaner isn't because your house might be dirty but because it will free up hours in the week which could be spent in other ways - relaxing, sleeping, playing with baby, etc.

It would also mean that someone else will be coming to the house so your wife wouldn't be alone for long stretches of time.

You, as well as your wife, must be sleep-deprived.  It's very hard when the medics insist that everything is normal but it's just not normal for a little one to be so upset for so much of the day and night.  I hope you can find someone to listen to your concerns.

If you can't get any sense out of the NHS, would you consider alternative treatments?  The cranial osteopath I go to has amazing results with babies with problems like yours.

TBagpuss

I'm sorry to hear that things are so difficult.

I agree with the advice to look for local mother and baby groups, NCT etc - even of the baby is crying simply getting the chance to talk to other mums / parents and  to get out of the house may help.

Cleaner - i don' think anyone is suggesting that you home isn't clean, jut that you are both exhausted and getting a cleaner in would free up some time that you and your wife could then spend resting / going out / watching TV - it just takes one thing off your backs.

Some babies are much harder work than others (I am one of 4 children. My parents had 2 who were 'easy' babies and slept well and often, and were easy to feed, and two who barely slept. My dad swears that he got to the point he could get up, make and give a bottle and walk around for an hour rocking a baby who screamed blue murder the second you put it down, and then put the baby down and go back to bed, all without ever completely waking up himself. )

Also, the baby crying that much sounds as though they may be very colicky - have you spoken with the GP about that?

I know one my nice was very colicky and things improved almost overnight when the GP was able to prescribe an appropriate medication (presumably a mild antacid)  They were also advised to supplement breast feed with bottles - I think it was in part because of the colic, and partly that she was not managing to get a lot at once. It was suggested that she might manage to get more in one go from a bottle so would be less hungry, and also there is a vicious cycle with stress making breastfeeding more difficult. It helped them a lot, and even having a couple of feeds a day that dad could do rather than mum helped mum as it meant that she could get slightly longer periods of unbroken sleep. (I think that when they were exclusively breast-feeding the colic medication was given via syringe just before the start of the feed, squirted to the back of her tongue, so you can use it even if you are not given supplemental bottle feeds)

I am not sure that there is a test for colic so it may be a case of asking about remedies and seeing whether they can try to see whether something like that will help, or going to see a pharmacist and asking them for advice, there are medications they can sell without a prescription, and they are trained to provide advice.

(Mother's diet can also sometimes make a difference so it maybe worth your wife trying changes in her diet and seeing whether that helps at all)

pollypenny

You're going to have to badger your GP and HV. It's not normal for a baby to be crying and constantly colicky. I would consider formula feeds now,  anyway. 

BrassicWoman

mustiuc said: We do not need a cleaner as our home is clean, either by her or me. We also cook, do shopping (together or her to relieve from staying with the baby) etc.

You need a cleaner unless it is 100% YOU doing the cleaning, while ALSO looking after the baby.

kimwp

Another suggestion (which is a bit unusual, but worth a try if you feel comfortable), is putting a note on nextdoor or similar, asking for someone to help hold the baby while your wife does things that can't so easily be outsourced maybe the washing, a batch of cooking etc. Not so she can do all the housework, but so then you are free to take the baby for longer to give her a proper rest. I saw someone on nextdoor once asking for a grandma type person to help as they didn't have anyone nearby. It would obviously have to be someone you all were comfortable with, but I'm sure there will be many who remember how hard it was.