Digging My Way Out Of This Mess

jokono

I'm crossing mine too, I hope he'll start earning and helping you!

Chrystal

Hope you're OK and not working yourself into the ground.  How did things go with the job interview for OH?  XX

diggingmywayout

OH got 2 interviews and got neither as a job offer he now says there are no vacancies again and that the country is shutting down again with recession on the way aka another excuse why he cant do anything to help... 

i'm keeping to just my day job and not adding on the extra stuff in the evenings.  I dont want to overdo it and I just feel like i would be stressed and overburdened by doing it.  I told them last week and they were fine about it. 

Other news is my son threw me a curveball last night - he's 27 and lives in portugal currently, hes been out there for 3.5 years and he told me yesterday that he plans to return to the uk and come back to living at home when his current rental agreement ends.  he wants to come back to the Uk, get a job and some savings behind him (impossible to do whilst he has been living out there) and then reassess what comes next in his life.  I'm over the moon that I get to see him - i went just over 2 years at the height of the pandemic between seeing him so i've missed him like crazy but it means yet more change and obligation on my part.  reality is it will take him a bit to find a job and in that time I will again be supporting him, when he lived at home before I didnt take any rent/ board off him so he could save to get away and I daresay if I do get any £ from him to help it will be negligible.  Ive also got to give up my 'office' where I work from home aka his bedroom and I need to go out and buy a bed and a chest of drawers and so on so its actually liveable for him.  

Reality is at the worst of it i was keeping my son when he couldnt get a job after leaving college, bankrolling OH who can never hold a job down for any length of time because he's a militant idiot that demands the way companies change when he starts there and it doesnt suit him and for a time i was also paying some bills for OH grown up daughter who was a struggling single mum and she did a guilt trip number on me that her and her daughter (my grand-daughter went without so much).  It got to the stage that I was near enough at breakdown stage and had to plead with OH and my son to do something to help me and I cut off his daughter financially (and was made to feel guilty about it by OH that she would now cut ties with him - they had an awkward relationship in the first place.... )  I can just feel my life heading back that way.  My son will help when he can get on his feet and get an income stream but it will be negligible so he can save towards his next chapter of his life. 

Me, all I can see is it means more stress, my son doesnt like OH and never did it was always a strained relationship.  I will have to move my office to a corner of the lounge where i have the OH sat all day, moaning about the state of the world and no doubt giving me pearls of wisdom as to how i could do my job better and in turn earn more.  Tbh I can see long term that my job will be untenable with my home set up and I will end up giving it up and taking a job in an office to get away from my home situation for 8 or 9 hours a day.  

at the moment I just feel like Im totally trapped because I have allowed it to happen in the past so its assumed that it will go back to how it was.  I should be overjoyed that my son is coming back home and I am in that I will get to see him and reconnect and do a proper catch up on his life but I'm already dreading having to keep the wheels spinning to keep everyone happy.  I have no idea how I got to this stage in my life and having so few choices of my own - and I cant see how to improve things at the moment. 

jokono

I'm so sorry to read this, I imagine it's very difficult to change things if people got used to them. What I would say as an outsider is to get your son maybe a second hand mattress and once he starts earning he can get a bed, drawers and whatever he needs.  And absolutely get him to pay board, it might help him find out what his next step is sooner. You need to start thinking about yourself and your wellbeing, it doesn't seem like anyone else is. I wish you strength! 

(I would be even harsher and get son to crash on the sofa and keep my office as it's an essential need for the only breadwinner in the house)

WinterWarrior

That sounds so hard.
Apparently there are more jobs out there than ever before, according to bbc news.
can you put some ground rules down for your son? Explain about your financial situation and that you will need board, even if it’s just a percentage of his job seekers allowance until he gets sorted. He’s an adult and knows he can’t eat for free. He won’t want you to struggle.
could you set up an office area in your bedroom, hall or kitchen? Anywhere for a bit of your own space. I certainly wouldn’t let him judge or comment on your work, he has no right! And do make sure you aren’t paying for any extras, the more uncomfortable your oh’s life is, the more he may consider a job. 

Moneywhizz

What a difficult situation to find yourself in again when you work so hard to try and make improvements. It sounds like you try to keep everyone happy at the expense of your own well being. Could you not explain to your son that you have set up an office in the spare bedroom and that there is no way to change that. If he still wants to come he is welcome but he will have to sleep on the sofa in the lounge. Of course we all want to help our children, but he is 27 and has been independent for years so you shouldn't have to feel guilty about putting some boundaries in about how you can help. I would also suggest that he pays for his own food as you really can't stretch your budget to feed another adult. As for your OH does he think you don't know that there are lots of vacancies around and not enough workers to fill them. He is so inconsiderate of you that I also would be inclined to make his life as uncomfortable as possible, in the hope that he will realise that you are no longer going to wok hard just so that you can provide everything he needs. I feel so sorry to read about this and hope you can find a way through while maintaining your own health and well being and keeping your good job that gives you hope of a decent future. 

Purplelady65

I’m sorry to read about your situation. It sounds as if you’ve spent most of your life pleasing others and putting your own needs below anyone else’s. I think others have got used to you providing everything and just take it for granted. Re your son - a difficult one as obviously as his mother you want to help him but are then going to compromise your working arrangements and put yourself in a more stressful environment working in the lounge. Could your son use the bedroom to sleep in and you then use the bedroom during working hours? Could he get a job set up before he returns or at least have interviews set up for his return? Every pub, shop and supermarket I pass in whatever town I’m in has big signs up saying they are recruiting. I think you need to be clear with him that unfortunately you’re not in a position to pay for his food e.tc. Although things might be tight in Portugal could he get some savings together just to tide him over for a couple of weeks? 

Re your OH does he contribute to the household in other ways e.g. food shopping, cleaning, cooking, laundry e.tc. As others have said I think you need to get a lot tougher with him as he’s got a free easy ride and from what you’ve said the only reason he doesn’t work is down to idleness. If he gets no money from you then he’ll have no choice but to get a job if he wants more than board and lodging. 

Hard as it is the only way change will happen is if you change how you are with your family. I worked with a woman who had two adult children both with children. Her two adult kids were forever dropping the grandkids off at hers and her husbands at very short notice or just turning up for them to look after them if the adult children for eg wanted to go to the pub on a summers night, on a shopping trip etc. Even if she had plans she would cancel them to fit in with what the adult kids wanted. My work colleague eventually realised her needs were way at the bottom of the pile and decided to make some changes. She told her kids she and her husband wouldn’t be available at short notice to babysit and she and her husband started going on walks in the evenings. A few times the adult children turned up or rang to ask if they’d have the kids that evening but she stayed strong and said no even though she said she was in tears afterwards she felt so bad saying no. She and her husband carried on with their evening walks which they both really enjoyed and the adult children stopped asking her to babysit at short notice. My work colleague felt a lot happier and wished she’d done it years ago. So it’s never too late to make changes! 

diggingmywayout

ive taken some time to think about things and spoken further with my son - reality is his time in Portugal is done and he's broke.  He has a friend in the Uk that works as a recruitment consultant that he is going to use to line him up a job for when he gets back - plan is he should have have a couple of weeks maximum between landing in uk and starting work full time.  he has already offered to pay me the same as what he pays in portugal for his portion of rent/ bills and that covers my rental payment completely.  I'm going to take the money off him but bank half for when he moves out to his own place so he has the deposit money together quicker than he realises or some spare cash for furniture or driving lessons/ car to get to and from work easier or whatever he wants to use it for. 

Ive been measuring up where my desk will go in the lounge and that's all planned as is the redesign of my sons bedroom with storage - OH is going to do the wardrobes/ drawers so it will save some money (he's quite handy so i have no worries about what it will look like.  The bed for my son is going to be a fold out bed settee which will be turned back into something to sit on full time when i move back into my office when son moves out.  This will work - I will make it.  He's my son and I cant see him struggle or go without.  

now onto OH he applied for another couple of jobs and again has heard nothing from them - they were ideal - walking distance from where we live and permanent day shifts.  I have asked him to give them a call to chase up his application but he refuses saying that if the job really existed they would have contacted him by now.  I may just log into the online application and send a message asking if the vacancy is still live on his behalf.... and in the meantime I just push for him to keep applying.  mind you I wouldnt want to employ him - hes argumentative to the point of being obtuse and hasnt worked for years so he hardly comes across as hardworking or motivated.... anyway for now im choosing to pick my battles on this front. 

My job is secure and Ive made it clear to both OH and son that it is the most important point in all of this - I will not be disturbed by OH whilst I am working and son will have to adapt how I now live and work.  no more pussyfooting around with either of them.  im sick of changing jobs because i need to fit in with other people, im sick of changing my life to suit others so now i make it work on my terms. 

payday today - credit card cleared as normal and another debt paid off with a partial settlement - thats another 1314 wiped off my balance and starting to see some progress with things changing and moving forward.  feeling positive at the moment so just keep on keeping on 

Chrystal

Hope everything turns out the way you envision it.  ((((hugs))))XX

Humdinger1

@diggingmywayout quite right! I hope this isn't rude or overstepping the mark but do you want to stay married?  We are all full of admiration for you.  Love Humdinger xx