Letting a friend know that parent has died.

My parent had a friend who lived in Spain. They spoke quite often on the phone and they had known each other many years. They used to work together but friend moved away to Spain some years ago. Anyway when my parent went into a nursing home I let the friend know and gave them the address of the care home and said it would be nice if they wrote and parent would love to hear from them.  They didnt do this and it seemed to be the end of it. Never heard anymore.

Parent has now passed away and cant decide whether to email and let them know. Part of me says an old friend should know but do they care. They havent made any enquiries about my parent in the last few years they have my email address. My brother says just dont bother and that they arent really bothered about parent or they would of kept in touch or emailed me to ask after him.

what would you do?


  • Flugelhorn
    Flugelhorn Posts: 5,535 Forumite
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    I reckon an e-mail wouldn't hurt - they may well be frail themselves or even have died, but if they are still around they may appreciate knowing. I sent a few such to friends of my mother - they hadn't had contact for a while as they were all getting elderly but those I contacted appreciated the message
  • 74jax
    74jax Posts: 7,921 Forumite
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    edited 18 March 2022 at 6:02PM
    Personally I wouldn't, but equally if someone thought it a good idea I'm not totally against it, just not something I would do. 
    My dad once said to me - it's too late to make an effort to go to a funeral, if you can't make the same effort to go visit when they are alive. Which had kind of stuck with me. 
    When he died, a friend who I'd tried to keep in touch with, but moved away and never replied to any texts for years, sent a card. It was a 'sorry for your loss, let me know if I can do anything' type card  which to me was just an empty thought and I'm not sure why she sent it really.
    I guess if you want an email back acknowledging etc then go for it, but really what else could they say. 
    Forty and fabulous, well that's what my cards say....
  • JGB1955
    JGB1955 Posts: 3,464 Forumite
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    When my father died I went through his address book and sent an announcement card to everyone  (google death announcement cards).   It basically said that he had passed away on xx/xx/xx and that there would be a family cremation (Covid restricted us to 10 attendees).  I didn't supply the date or venue of the cremation.  I gave my email address so people could contact me if they wanted to know more.  I hardly knew who most of the people concerned were, although some of their names were familiar.  There was a handful of condolence letters and that was it - sorted!

    This ISN'T the company I used, but the message is similar... Funeral Announcement Cards UK | Funeral Stationery 4U
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  • tooldle
    tooldle Posts: 1,513 Forumite
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    If you are certain the person did not try and communicate with your parent after the move to the care home, I suggest not passing on the news. If there is a possibility of your parent misrepresenting the situation, then yes I would send a message. 
  • KxMx
    KxMx Posts: 10,590 Forumite
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    I'm sorry for your loss. 

    I think it's the polite thing to do to let them know. 

    You don't know if the friend has been unwell or otherwise unable to contact your parent/yourself.

    You could also ask yourself what your parent would have wanted you to do.
  • Sebi_895
    Sebi_895 Posts: 122 Forumite
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    My condolences on your loss.

    I would let them know, if they don't come back with anything, well at least you made the effort.
    Trust me, you'll sleep better for it. 
  • MrsPorridge
    MrsPorridge Posts: 2,904 Forumite
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    If its playing on your mind then I think for you sake, just let them know.
    Debt free and Keeping on Track
  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 34,634 Forumite
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    My condolences for your loss.
    I would contact the friend to let them know.
    It won't cost you anything.
    And there may be a reason why the friend hasn't been in touch with your parent.
  • Hi
    So sorry for your loss.
    I'd suggest that you let them know.
    You don't know the reasons why they haven't been in contact & at least you'll know you've done all you could.
    You don't want that nagging doubt that you should have done something.
  • Savvy_Sue
    Savvy_Sue Posts: 46,007 Forumite
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    My MIL has a friend in a nursing home, she visits when she can and writes when she cannot visit, but she says it is really hard to know what to say to this friend, especially over the last couple of years. And it's actually quite difficult and I suspect painful for her to write these days. But she's always had a habit of letter writing since her cousin emigrated years ago, and they used to exchange letters regularly.

    I'm an absolutely hopeless letter writer, if I can send an email I often will, but actual letters and cards tend to slip down and down the 'to do' list. 

    So I think I'd tend to let the friend know, and try not to judge too harshly for the failure to keep in touch. If you haven't been in the habit of writing, I can imagine it would be difficult to start. 
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