Ex wants to keep house

jocstoke

My husband and I have separated. We have two children, 5 and 9, and will be splitting custody 5050. He wants to stay in the house and I have no emotional attachment to this so don't mind in principle. However he can't get sufficient mortgage to buy me out. There is approx £280,000 equity in the house, so my half would be £140,000, but he could only give me approximately half of this. He wants to do this and me keep an interest in the house equivalent to the equity I didn't receive.
The smaller amount would enable me to pay a deposit on modest house a couple of miles from the family home in not as desirable an area, but still okay and easily commutable. The full amount if the property were sold would enable me to pay a deposit on a similar modest house in the same area as the family home, or a nicer house in the other area. I have no idea what to do, has anyone had any similar arrangements?

lisyloo

Lots of couples come to this arrangement.
often it’s the main carer who stays in the home with the children and usually that’s the mother.

my main concern would be the relationship with the children.
will they prefer the nicer house and therefore want to spend more time in that house and therefore spend more time with that parent?

What would be best for the children?

have you also factored in costs like stamp duty, furniture, fittings (curtains), mortgage fees, legal fees, surveyors etc.

jocstoke

Yes that's true I would have lots of additional costs which would have to be factored in. 
I just don't know what would be best for the kids. We have a wonderful relationship and I want what's best for them, my ex thinks that's giving them the stability of the house for half the time. I have always been the main carer (I work around their school hours) but he does seem to be stepping up, although I know things can change. Just so hard to know what to do.

lisyloo

I would suggest you try to get a free half hour with a family solicitor.
if you’ve always been their main carer and work around their hours then it would appear to make sense for you to stay in the house with them and for him to find somewhere else.

also which one of you is best placed financially to get another mortgage?
if it’s him then that’s another reason he should move out.

are you planning to divorce or is there a prospect of a reconciliation? 
a solicitor will protect your interests in the context of the legal system prioritising the children.

jocstoke

No we will be divorcing.
I certainly wouldn't be able to buy him out and I know he wouldn't agree to the kind of thing he is suggesting for me - I'd be able to get even less of the equity in a mortgage, and the cost of the hugh mortgage and paying the high bills would be too much for me. He wants me to increase my hours but hasn't seemed to consider the implications for after school child care, just that it's a magical way to get more money. He also won't sign the child benefit over to me (it gets paid to him) so I can't even apply for universal credit to help me cover the cost of a rental. It's all such a mess. I've suggested going to a moderator which he has agreed to, but not sure how much advice they give. 

doodling

Hi,

Comments:
- I'm not a fan of you being required to have an ongoing relationship with your ex because you both own a house together. Much better to settle things up front so you don't have the expense and hassle of forcing him to sell the house in 11 years time.
- It sounds like you need the money from the house to be able to buy something comparable to whatever your ex will have. As you will be sharing custody equally then there won't really be a single home for the kids but two equal part time ones.
- The financial settlement will need to take account of stuff like who is paid child benefit.
- it sounds like whilst custody might be 50/50 on a time basis, it might not be equal on an ability to get an equivalent job basis (e.g. if you end up doing more after school time). This might imply that you should receive some maintenance payments.
- Don't forget that the split needs to look at all assets, including stuff like pensions. You imply he earns more so may have a much bigger pension provision. In an extreme case, if it was a big pension and you had no pension, then you might be looking at keeping the house while he keeps his pension (although I would take advice to confirm whether that is a good idea).

Some time with a family law solicitor is strongly recommended,  even if only to work out what questions you need to ask yourself. 

Emmia

Personally I think you should sell the house, and use the proceeds to buy separate properties - this avoids ongoing financial ties (would you be expected to contribute to maintenance costs of a house you partially own, but don't live in?)... 

Also how are you going to force a sale later on, the kids might be still living there in 15 years after Uni etc., so it's not necessarily better to delay that until the youngest is 16 (when they'll probably still be in education of some sort anyway).

I'd go and talk it through with a divorce lawyer.

ampersand

Good morning(of sorts) jocstoke -
Closing down from my sole subscribed mse thread, saw your post.
My personal experience of what you are going through is outdated by decades, but this leapt out:
'He wants me to increase my hours but hasn't seemed to consider the implications for after school child care, just that it's a magical way to get more money. He also won't sign the child benefit over to me (it gets paid to him) so I can't even apply for universal credit to help me cover the cost of a rental.'
I am shocked by your Child Benefit situation.
Doubtless you or others will update me, but surely this needs urgent change?

kazwookie

Get legal advise

Look to sell the house

Look to split everything 50 / 50 inc pensions / cash at bank / shares etc etc.

How can he afford to buy you out? using what money? why don't you have the money to buy him out as you are married?

Ring the child benefit people and ask / find out how to change the payment of the benefit.

jocstoke

Thanks for all your replies. I've looked at the child benefit website and it says it has to be requested by the current recipient to be paid to someone else, so I can't request it myself. There are of course court orders etc but that would make things even more acrimonious so I want to avoid that route if possible. 
I do agree it sounds like selling the house may be the best option given the circumstances, as people have said I would rather avoid being financially tied to him for many years.
Salary wise our earnings aren't hugely different as I have been promoted recently and got quite a decent pay rise, I previously earnt quite a bit less than him though. He told me he won't fund my part time lifestyle any more, but I work 29 hours a week so could only do 6 more in my job and that time is for childcare, not just doing nothing.
Agree that we need to consider everything rather than just the house which has been his sole focus so far. 

Spendless

Why does your ex receive child benefit when you are working part time? Until children are 12 the person receiving CB also gets a NI credit that helps towards your state pension. Which is why it should be paid to the non working or part time working parent (if they don't earn enough to pay NI) 

.https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/benefits/benefits-if-you-have-children/protecting-your-state-pension-when-you-have-a-baby#:~:text=Usually, you'll build up,if you're not earning.

Apologies but I see some red flags here in him trying to control you eg "I certainly wouldn't be able to buy him out and I know he wouldn't agree to the kind of thing he is suggesting for me -"

I'd get some professional advice and I wouldn't agree to what he's proposing without thinking all the implications through. Where would you be able to afford to buy another house if you did what he suggested? Would it be near enough to keep the kids at the same school?