Ethical question - do I leave someone out of my will?

AyJaydee

I have an ethical question that is driving me to distraction and I just don’t know what to do about it...

My wife and I are about to write our wills. It is second-marriage for both of us and we each have two grown-up children from previous marriages.

I left my ex with a decent sized house. She is now remarried and there are no other children.

My dilemma concerns one of my two. When my first marriage broke up, I was portrayed as the villain. Both children changed their Surnames as soon as they reached 18. One of them has an ‘invisible disability’, so I have to make allowance for that and presume that he did not understand the hurt that caused me. We keep in touch but I fear that his career prospects are limited, so I would like to leave something for a deposit to get him into, modest, home ownership. He lives with his mother.

The other one is a different matter, making their own way in the world, a degree, prospects and living independently. However, over the years, I was blamed for absolutely everything, there seemed no limit to the fury that was hurled at me.  This ended a few years back with a letter indicating that they wanted nothing more to do with me. There has been no contact since.

So when I come to writing my will, after making sufficient provision for my wife, do I leave everything else to just the one offspring and disinherit the other, or treat them equally?

Thank you

74jax

I personally would treat equally. 

Gers

My view is that any inheritance is a gift and not a right. Toxic behaviour, removing love and inclusion in the life you gave your child is not something to be rewarded. I'm sure that your son doesn't expect anything from you given his attitude to you. 

My father explicitly cut my brother out of his Will giving clear reasons why (something along the lines of your situation though not exactly). Under Scots law my brother retained his legal rights which didn't amount to much as my father wasn't materialistic. 

You sound lovely despite the conflicting emotions which trouble you. I hope you can resolve this and get some peace from it. 

Flugelhorn

You should do whatever you feel you want to - personally I would treat them the same but in some ways would be much better to leave money to the son who needs it, if you do this then you should right a letter to go with your will explaining why the other son has been left out 

Sea_Shell

I'd suggest that deciding how much provision to give your wife*, and how much you then want to leave to (either of) your children, is actually the more tricky dilemma.

What is "sufficient provision"?    If the worst was to happen earlier than expected, would she not need a large % of your estate to see her through her twilight years?   Potential care costs, private medical treatment, more paid help for domestic stuff etc.

Also are you looking to use a % split (80/10/10?) or to leave a specified £££ bequest to your child(ren).   Specified bequests come first in distributing an estate, so be careful if leaving wife as "residual beneficiary"


But in answering your question, If you have no relationship with one offspring, then don't leave them anything, but leave a letter of explanation with your will (not in it) so that they understand your position to, hopefully, avoid any legal challenges.


* And visa versa if you are both writing wills, even if she doesn't have the same issue over which children to include.   Does hers make enough provision for you?

clearancer

Depends on home much aggravation you want to cause after your death! My friend (Julie) dad died. She is one of two sisters. Dad left everything to Julie. Sister (Diane) was so angry/vindictive she called the police, called Julie’s work, called social services, accusing Julie of abusing dad, abusing her, stealing from work, stealing from her, etc. Made Julie’s life so awful that Julie split the inheritance. Even then Diane didn’t believe she got half. Money is poison to some

BooJewels

I think you need to do whatever you want and feels right to you - it's your money, your decision.  No one has a right, or expectation to anything.  But it's understandable to want to provide for the right people and have that peace of mind.

What I would highly recommend is that you do it properly with a solicitor with the right skills and talk it through with them and they'll be very good with what-if scenarios and alternatives for if the situation changes.  I would also ensure that if the family dynamics change, over time you review and ensure that your will is still appropriate - a well written one in the first instance should already allow for some changes.  Choose your executors carefully too.

We see threads here daily from people stuck with poorly thought out DIY wills or inappropriate wills that didn't get updated to reflect changes in circumstances or the deceased's true or up to date wishes - or an executor who was a solicitor now retired and unavailable.  

Skiddaw1

I'm with @BooJewels OP- I think this is an occasion where a chat with a solicitor could really help to move things forward for you.

Keep_pedalling

Definitely take professional advice with regards to the vulnerable child, as a trust might be appropriate there. Personaly I would not worry about cutting out a child where he wants nothing to do with you (and presumably that includes your money), but review the situation as relationships can mend over time.

Brie

When talking to the solicitor see if there's a way you can word the will to split things between the children but should the one refuse their share that it then goes to the other, not your wife or charity or whatever.  

A will is a bit like getting the last word in.  You could say to the one with whom you no longer have any contact that you are sorry for what happened, hope they have or will forgive you for any hurt you may have caused them.  Explain that you considered leaving nothing in preference for their sibling but didn't want them to think any worse of you than they do already.  Explain that if they don't want the money then please ensure the sibling gets it and please continue to look after them as well.

sevenhills

AyJaydee said:

So when I come to writing my will, after making sufficient provision for my wife, do I leave everything else to just the one offspring and disinherit the other, or treat them equally

I don't know who people leave things to in their wills, but it's great that you are putting some thought into it.

No one should just blindly leave everything to their immediate family without thought.

Your death could be many years away, so if you still think kindly of your offspring, then you should certainly leave both of them a token offering.

I believe that children are very much influenced by their parents, so any aggrieved ex will have a big impact on how your children think of you. That ill-feeling may diminish when the children leave home.