Is it rude to pester my mother about creating a will? 18 February 2022 at 7:34PM in Marriage, relationships & families 28 replies 2K views

Jackson1987

My mum is in her 60s, 3 children, 6 grand children, not married and owns her home outright; though she does have about £40k in debts to a personal friend and the council.

As I was updating my will last year, it came to light she didn't have one or intend on doing one. I mentioned she could do one online for free but it's been almost a year and she hasn't done it.

How important is it that she does one and am I right for pestering her a little? Pestering may be an exaggeration as I've only really reminded her that it's something she really should do, but after reading a little online, it turns out her estate will just be divided amongst her children if she doesn't have one. 

I was/am under the assumption that things can get complicated if there is no will. But, as she's not married or living with a partner, things will just go to us anyway. 

Mojisola

Jackson1987 said:

I was/am under the assumption that things can get complicated if there is no will. But, as she's not married or living with a partner, things will just go to us anyway. 

If she makes a will, she can decide who acts as executors.

If all the siblings get on and will behave well if there is no will and some of them apply to administer the estate, it may not matter.

Robin9

....................... not married ......................

widowed, separated or divorced ? 

Keep_pedalling

Unfortunately lots of people seem to think that they are immortal and if they make a will they will lose their immortality.

In theory it should not make much difference as her estate will be split evenly between her 3 children, but a will will ensure she can choose her executors and is really needed to cater for minor legacies and to cater for what if situations such as one of her children pre-deceasing her.

So to answer your question, no it is not rude to pester her on this, and while you are at it point out the danger of her not making lasting powers of attorney for welfare and finances.

Grumpy_chap

Jackson1987 said:

But, as she's not married or living with a partner, things will just go to us anyway. 

She might just spend it all so there is nothing left to have a will written for.

If I was being pestered to write a will, I'd make the requestor Executor and leave them nothing.  

I would not want to be Executor of a will where there are large amounts of informal loans to be repaid to friends.  How are these arrangements detailed?  What stops the "friend" coming back and saying it was not £40k, it was £140k?

Jackson1987

Robin9 said:

....................... not married ......................

widowed, separated or divorced ? 

Never was married to our dad. Together, but always lived in separate houses. They are now separated. 

KxMx

I think it's a good subject to keep bringing up, but you can't force her to make one and if she decides not to then that is her right. 

london21

Everyone is different and people look at death, will etc differently.

You can advice her or bring it up but up to her if she wants to or not. 

Drawingaline

My in laws are similar. The problem we have is that they are not married and he is not my husband's biological father. If she goes first the house will go to the partner and then if he makes no will it will go to his (very very very well off) family and my husband would get nothing. Now this wouldn't be an issue if we knew this is what they wanted, but they constantly go on about how my husband will get the house/money (depending on care costs etc) so we know this is what they want. But still no wills. 

I have got to the point where I just shut down every conversation they raise about it with, well you need to make a will if this is what you want to happen. Still nothing. Chances are he will go first (largish age difference and health issues) but you can't rely on that. I am just the broken record on it now, but I don't bring it up first anymore. 

If the worst happens, we will accept it, but we have a will in place and will ensure it is up to date as we age. 

Thrugelmir

Jackson1987 said:

My mum is in her 60s, 3 children, 6 grand children, not married and owns her home outright; though she does have about £40k in debts to a personal friend and the council.

Are the debts secured?  If there more that she's not telling you. People aren't unknown for keeping their business to themselves. 

74jax

Drawingaline said:

My in laws are similar. The problem we have is that they are not married and he is not my husband's biological father. If she goes first the house will go to the partner and then if he makes no will it will go to his (very very very well off) family and my husband would get nothing. Now this wouldn't be an issue if we knew this is what they wanted, but they constantly go on about how my husband will get the house/money (depending on care costs etc) so we know this is what they want. But still no wills. 

I have got to the point where I just shut down every conversation they raise about it with, well you need to make a will if this is what you want to happen. Still nothing. Chances are he will go first (largish age difference and health issues) but you can't rely on that. I am just the broken record on it now, but I don't bring it up first anymore. 

If the worst happens, we will accept it, but we have a will in place and will ensure it is up to date as we age. 

@Drawingaline
 Do they know, as it stands this won't happen if mum goes first? If so, sadly I think you have to accept what they say and what they are happy to happen are 2 different things. 
If they don't know, then I'd tell them once and if it's mentioned again just keep saying 'no that is not what will happen'. Hopefully they'll start to believe you. 
It needs doing now too, before incapacity and its too late.

Could they not own the house as tenants in common, so at least your son gets his mother's half. So no will needed? Would that help?  With no will, they are right, your husband would get his mother's money (not her partner). Same with the partners money - that would go to his family.