Grandmother causing problems by lying

pollypenny

I had this with my aunt. Severe macular degeneration made her suspicious of everyone, too, meaning that my attempts to get her help resulted in the person being refused entry. 

AgeUk, Ashford branch, were wonderful, as was her cleaner, who was meant to call fortnightly. She became a rock. 

Like your grandmother, my aunt wasn't eating. She was taken to hospital after falls but was not treated very sympathetically, so discharged herself.  

We live 300 miles away, so it was very difficult. Eventually she did agree to have carers to prepare her lunch and dinner. Sadly, the evening cater often found her lunch sandwich in the bin. 

Ms_Chocaholic

Why should cousins get involved when your father can, does your father have brothers/sisters.

Pollycat

Ms_Chocaholic said:

Why should cousins get involved when your father can, does your father have brothers/sisters.

The OP mentions an uncle who is possibly the OP's Dad's brother.
The uncle had major surgery recently.

Both my Dad and Mum had dementia and I agree with all the points about it not being lying or her being stubborn if she really is suffering from dementia.
It is the condition, it's a pretty awful thing to have to deal with.
It can be very frustrating (or upsetting for both parties) to deal with.
Both Dad and Mum ended their lives in care homes. I used to ask Mum what she'd had for lunch and the sheer panic on her face when she couldn't remember what she'd eaten an hour earlier soon smartened me up about what subjects to talk about.

briskbeats said:

theoretica said:

It is horrible when parents/grandparents are no longer themselves - and don't want the help they need.  I agree with others that the family needs to talk to professionals.

She says there's nothing wrong with her bar the eyes and arthritis - so stubborn. The stubbornness in people has let them down and wish they would see through this. 

This is such a wrong attitude if she really does have dementia..
The only thing letting her down is this condition - which she can't do anything about because she won't know she has it.

Why are your parents so convinced that she doesn't have dementia?

Alanp

I work in a care home , I have seen this, I think she needs to see her gp, it could be something simple like a urinary infection ( it can cause symptoms you describe) or it could be early onset dementia…

Lavendyr

briskbeats said:

My grandmother is 95 soon and she's causing so much grief and stress. She lies all the time and makes up stories about things. This infuriates my father. She's not eating as lost so much weight. My grandmother claims she's 10st. More like 7! Then the other day, mum put something into her wheelie bin and noticed a load of food thrown in there - still in date, nothing wrong with it. My grandmother does this so it looks like she's eating. Mum managed to retrieve the food that wasn't originally fresh - tins, packets etc from the bin and put them back in the kitchen cupboards. Then claims to have cleaners come once a week. Well, that's a lie as Dad as put a Ring doorbell and sees people like postman, prescription delivery driver, my uncle etc - no cleaners. My grandmother cannot cope on her own. She wouldn't cope in a care home as had a family member going through a similar thing 20 years ago went into one and caused havoc for the staff and fellow residents. 


We are unable to check on her often as we live 2 hours away. Her other son's family - all living within a few miles of my grandmother do very little. Just buy groceries with little thought - as includes things she cannot open due to sight problems and severe arthritis and things she doesn't eat - pasta ready meals etc. I let off my uncle this time as had major surgery a few days ago and unable to drive for 7 weeks. Yet my cousins do FA. Think losing all her friends hasn't helped.

I feel so bad unable to help my grandmother as my parents attend to her on weekends, when I am working. My dad is so stressed out with her lies and things she says to change the subject. She wasn't like this until 2 years ago and its got worse.

I keep saying to my parents, that she has dementia and they don't think so.

Any strategies to help without looking obvious?

Are you serious?!

Your grandmother needs care and support. She isn't "lying". She's not well. Not sure why you think a family member going into a home has anything to do with your grandmother. She needs help.

You need to be obvious, I'm sorry. 

pollypenny

Lavendyr said:h

briskbeats said:

My grandmother is 95 soon and she's causing so much grief and stress. She lies all the time and makes up stories about things. This infuriates my father. She's not eating as lost so much weight. My grandmother claims she's 10st. More like 7! Then the other day, mum put something into her wheelie bin and noticed a load of food thrown in there - still in date, nothing wrong with it. My grandmother does this so it looks like she's eating. Mum managed to retrieve the food that wasn't originally fresh - tins, packets etc from the bin and put them back in the kitchen cupboards. Then claims to have cleaners come once a week. Well, that's a lie as Dad as put a Ring doorbell and sees people like postman, prescription delivery driver, my uncle etc - no cleaners. My grandmother cannot cope on her own. She wouldn't cope in a care home as had a family member going through a similar thing 20 years ago went into one and caused havoc for the staff and fellow residents. 


We are unable to check on her often as we live 2 hours away. Her other son's family - all living within a few miles of my grandmother do very little. Just buy groceries with little thought - as includes things she cannot open due to sight problems and severe arthritis and things she doesn't eat - pasta ready meals etc. I let off my uncle this time as had major surgery a few days ago and unable to drive for 7 weeks. Yet my cousins do FA. Think losing all her friends hasn't helped.

I feel so bad unable to help my grandmother as my parents attend to her on weekends, when I am working. My dad is so stressed out with her lies and things she says to change the subject. She wasn't like this until 2 years ago and its got worse.

I keep saying to my parents, that she has dementia and they don't think so.

Any strategies to help without looking obvious?

Are you serious?!

Your grandmother needs care and support. She isn't "lying". She's not well. Not sure why you think a family member going into a home has anything to do with your grandmother. She needs help.

You need to be obvious, I'm sorry. 

Harsh.  I think the Op is fully aware that her grandmother's lies are symptomatic of her not being well. 

BellaLasagna2018

Lavendyr said

Are you serious?!

Your grandmother needs care and support. She isn't "lying". She's not well. Not sure why you think a family member going into a home has anything to do with your grandmother. She needs help.

You need to be obvious, I'm sorry. 

Your comment is a tad harsh, I think. The OP is probably quite a young person, who has no experience of the ills an elderly person can suffer from. Until I met my partner, who is a care worker, I didn’t know much. I am now much more knowledgeable as it’s not the kind of job you leave behind you when you step in your front door. 

OP, your grandmother needs a diagnosis from her gp, and if it is indeed dementia, there are plenty of care companies that could help. It will cost money, of course, but all her needs can be met and the pressure on your family lessened. 

Pollycat

BellaLasagna2018 said:

Lavendyr said

Are you serious?!

Your grandmother needs care and support. She isn't "lying". She's not well. Not sure why you think a family member going into a home has anything to do with your grandmother. She needs help.

You need to be obvious, I'm sorry. 

Your comment is a tad harsh, I think. The OP is probably quite a young person, who has no experience of the ills an elderly person can suffer from. Until I met my partner, who is a care worker, I didn’t know much. I am now much more knowledgeable as it’s not the kind of job you leave behind you when you step in your front door. 

OP, your grandmother needs a diagnosis from her gp, and if it is indeed dementia, there are plenty of care companies that could help. It will cost money, of course, but all her needs can be met and the pressure on your family lessened. 

But the OP's parents won't be young.

I've asked why the OP's parents don't think she has dementia.
It would help everyone to have a medical diagnosis.

It may be that Gran has full mental capacity and is fully aware that she is 'lying' and being 'stubborn'.
Or she may have some medical condition (possibly dementia, possibly something more easily treatable) and is unaware of what she is saying.

I don't think the OP will return to this thread.

In Gran's best interests someone within the family needs to take this forward.

The OP posted a similar thread 3 months ago (about Gran not taking meds and being secretive, denying things and lying) and I'm sad for Gran that her family seems to feel she is being deliberately awkward instead of getting medical opinion.

Lavendyr

BellaLasagna2018 said:

Lavendyr said

Are you serious?!

Your grandmother needs care and support. She isn't "lying". She's not well. Not sure why you think a family member going into a home has anything to do with your grandmother. She needs help.

You need to be obvious, I'm sorry. 

Your comment is a tad harsh, I think. The OP is probably quite a young person, who has no experience of the ills an elderly person can suffer from. Until I met my partner, who is a care worker, I didn’t know much. I am now much more knowledgeable as it’s not the kind of job you leave behind you when you step in your front door. 

OP, your grandmother needs a diagnosis from her gp, and if it is indeed dementia, there are plenty of care companies that could help. It will cost money, of course, but all her needs can be met and the pressure on your family lessened. 

That's fair. Perhaps my experience is different as I've been aware of and experienced older family members with dementia/Alzheimers from a young age and it does upset me when people dismiss that behaviour as lying or similar. They aren't - as we well know.

I don't think my advice is inaccurate though, and I'd agree with all you say. The main point, which we are all making, is that this person needs care and compassion. 

Lavendyr

I missed @Pollycat's reply which is spot on.