Money Moral Dilemma: Should we pay for my fiancee's family's accommodation at our wedding?

Pollycat

Ringo90 said:

Coletteem said:

When my husband and I got married 6 years ago, we chose a venue that included the hotel rooms in with the total price, because we didn’t want anyone to be out of pocket for us. We paid for everything ourselves and saved until we had enough money to have the Wedding we wanted. Why should people be out of pocket because you choose to get married? We even said that their presence was our present so didn’t do a present list. Some people have to take a day or two off work, buy new clothes, get their hair done, pay for travel etc so we didn’t want then having any additional costs, so it was lovely to say that their accommodation and breakfast was included. I just think it’s the right thing to do. 

I wish all the couples had your mentality. I am an Italian who moved to the UK and I'm in that age where most of my friends and some relatives are getting married, with an average of 2 weddings invitations per year. Some of these are people I knew before moving, so Italians living in Italy who marry in Italy. The other half is mostly Italians living in UK like me, and none of them wants to marry in UK apparently, but prefer to do it in their home country.
This results in me having to travel many times a year just to attend their weddings, with the consequent effort in terms of time off work, money, and so on that is higher than the average wedding guest. Especially now with COVID.
Well, nobody ever offered accommodation, or offered to spare me of their wedding gift (in many parts of Italy a wedding gift must be worth a minimum of £200-250 to be considered acceptable). Not even when I had to pay £200+ just in COVID tests. The worst one has been one bride specifically requesting a weekend out in yet another country of her choice for the hen party, obviously paid by her friends.
That's how spoiled grooms and brides are today.

You really don't have to travel to attend a wedding.
Even if it's just a mile away.
An invite is just that - it's not a royal command.
Your relatives and friends can choose to get married wherever they choose.
It's your choice whether to attend or not.

I agree with your 'spoiled grooms and brides' comments - although I would say self- centred and self- important.

Ringo90

Pollycat said:

Ringo90 said:

Coletteem said:

When my husband and I got married 6 years ago, we chose a venue that included the hotel rooms in with the total price, because we didn’t want anyone to be out of pocket for us. We paid for everything ourselves and saved until we had enough money to have the Wedding we wanted. Why should people be out of pocket because you choose to get married? We even said that their presence was our present so didn’t do a present list. Some people have to take a day or two off work, buy new clothes, get their hair done, pay for travel etc so we didn’t want then having any additional costs, so it was lovely to say that their accommodation and breakfast was included. I just think it’s the right thing to do. 

I wish all the couples had your mentality. I am an Italian who moved to the UK and I'm in that age where most of my friends and some relatives are getting married, with an average of 2 weddings invitations per year. Some of these are people I knew before moving, so Italians living in Italy who marry in Italy. The other half is mostly Italians living in UK like me, and none of them wants to marry in UK apparently, but prefer to do it in their home country.
This results in me having to travel many times a year just to attend their weddings, with the consequent effort in terms of time off work, money, and so on that is higher than the average wedding guest. Especially now with COVID.
Well, nobody ever offered accommodation, or offered to spare me of their wedding gift (in many parts of Italy a wedding gift must be worth a minimum of £200-250 to be considered acceptable). Not even when I had to pay £200+ just in COVID tests. The worst one has been one bride specifically requesting a weekend out in yet another country of her choice for the hen party, obviously paid by her friends.
That's how spoiled grooms and brides are today.

You really don't have to travel to attend a wedding.
Even if it's just a mile away.
An invite is just that - it's not a royal command.
Your relatives and friends can choose to get married wherever they choose.
It's your choice whether to attend or not.

I agree with your 'spoiled grooms and brides' comments - although I would say self- centred and self- important.

So what, you don't go to your sister's wedding, or to your best friend's wedding, because they decide to marry in their home country?
Of course if it's just a distant friend or a not-so-close friend you might decide it isn't worth the effort, but that's not to the solution for everything, is it?
And of course by all means they can marry even in the North Pole if that's their desire, but then should they expect even just their witnesses and very close family to come along at their own expenses and give an expensive gift too?
What's so wrong in telling a close friend "I recognise that for you it's a bigger effort/expense to attend, so I consider your presence the gift itself". Or would you rather they just decline the invite? That's very selfish. Are you having the party just for yourself and the gifts?
You see, that's the issue to me with brides and grooms today, that it has become normal and expected to go through all of this to attend a wedding. Even hen parties, they used to be just a tour of your local pubs or a day at a nearby spa, now it's a whole weekend abroad paid by your friends.

Pollycat

Ringo90 said:

Pollycat said:

Ringo90 said:

Coletteem said:

When my husband and I got married 6 years ago, we chose a venue that included the hotel rooms in with the total price, because we didn’t want anyone to be out of pocket for us. We paid for everything ourselves and saved until we had enough money to have the Wedding we wanted. Why should people be out of pocket because you choose to get married? We even said that their presence was our present so didn’t do a present list. Some people have to take a day or two off work, buy new clothes, get their hair done, pay for travel etc so we didn’t want then having any additional costs, so it was lovely to say that their accommodation and breakfast was included. I just think it’s the right thing to do. 

I wish all the couples had your mentality. I am an Italian who moved to the UK and I'm in that age where most of my friends and some relatives are getting married, with an average of 2 weddings invitations per year. Some of these are people I knew before moving, so Italians living in Italy who marry in Italy. The other half is mostly Italians living in UK like me, and none of them wants to marry in UK apparently, but prefer to do it in their home country.
This results in me having to travel many times a year just to attend their weddings, with the consequent effort in terms of time off work, money, and so on that is higher than the average wedding guest. Especially now with COVID.
Well, nobody ever offered accommodation, or offered to spare me of their wedding gift (in many parts of Italy a wedding gift must be worth a minimum of £200-250 to be considered acceptable). Not even when I had to pay £200+ just in COVID tests. The worst one has been one bride specifically requesting a weekend out in yet another country of her choice for the hen party, obviously paid by her friends.
That's how spoiled grooms and brides are today.

You really don't have to travel to attend a wedding.
Even if it's just a mile away.
An invite is just that - it's not a royal command.
Your relatives and friends can choose to get married wherever they choose.
It's your choice whether to attend or not.

I agree with your 'spoiled grooms and brides' comments - although I would say self- centred and self- important.

So what, you don't go to your sister's wedding, or to your best friend's wedding, because they decide to marry in their home country?
Of course if it's just a distant friend or a not-so-close friend you might decide it isn't worth the effort, but that's not to the solution for everything, is it?
And of course by all means they can marry even in the North Pole if that's their desire, but then should they expect even just their witnesses and very close family to come along at their own expenses and give an expensive gift too?
What's so wrong in telling a close friend "I recognise that for you it's a bigger effort/expense to attend, so I consider your presence the gift itself". Or would you rather they just decline the invite? That's very selfish. Are you having the party just for yourself and the gifts?
You see, that's the issue to me with brides and grooms today, that it has become normal and expected to go through all of this to attend a wedding. Even hen parties, they used to be just a tour of your local pubs or a day at a nearby spa, now it's a whole weekend abroad paid by your friends.

You decide to go or not go. 
All I said was that you don't have to go.
You are not obligated to go - regardless of how close you are to the bride/groom - because you have been invited.

Regarding your North Pole scenario, I don't think any bride or groom should expect any invited guest - regardless of how close you are to the bride/groom - to attend a wedding in some far-flung place that they have chosen. Or even in the church next door.
Also - you are not obligated to give a gift - expensive or cheap.

I really don't care what anyone else does regarding wedding invites.
That's not selfish. It's my opinion.
FTR - we had a very small local wedding with a dozen people invited.
As it was our second marriage, we stipulated 'no gifts, thank you'. Not selfish then.

I agree totally with your last paragraph in bold.


As I said in an earlier post:

Pollycat said:
Err...no enabling technology existed when I was growing up. Not even a landline in the house. 😛

But at least we had weddings that didn't cost a year's salary and stag/hen nights that didn't last for a whole weekend or longer.

Cafone68

Tradition. Father of the bride pays for the lot. 

sheramber

if you are paying for your family's accommodation but not your fiance's family what does he think about it?

I would pay for both sets of parents and no more. Everyone has the choice to attend or not. My cousin got married in France to a French lady. We were invited but did not go due to the cost.  Our choice and no hard feelings on either side.

Spendless

Pollycat said:

Whatever happened to getting married at a local church or Register office and having your reception at a nearby location without requirement for an overnight stay?

My son gets married next year. He has met his bride to be at Uni. She is from a different county to us. They are marrying at HER local church, the one she was brought up in and attended throughout her childhood and having a reception at a nearby location. All MY family which includes us his parents, my daughter who is bridesmaid and Grandparents and other relatives who wish to go will still need to stay overnight, because it's too far to travel there and back in one day. 

Throwaway1

honestcove said:

You’ve already offered the rooms to one side of the family and not the other so you’ve already treated the two families differently. Potentially, One person ends their evening with a pleasant leisurely stroll up stairs to a lovely suite; whereas the other has to hire a cab and travel to a drab motel on the edge of an industrial estate. It would really cap things off if the second person then finds out that the first had their lodgings paid for as well. Stop digging.

I'm pretty certain the 'evening things up' meant that they are spending a lot on one side (e.g. meals, drinks etc.) due to there being more of them so they wondered if they should spend the same amount of money on the other side - and the way to do that would be paying for their accommodation.

I think it would be a terrible idea as what you described would occur, but with the large family having to hire the taxi and go to the drab motel, whilst the smaller family all has a nice room paid for onsite.

Pollycat

Spendless said:

Pollycat said:

Whatever happened to getting married at a local church or Register office and having your reception at a nearby location without requirement for an overnight stay?

My son gets married next year. He has met his bride to be at Uni. She is from a different county to us. They are marrying at HER local church, the one she was brought up in and attended throughout her childhood and having a reception at a nearby location. All MY family which includes us his parents, my daughter who is bridesmaid and Grandparents and other relatives who wish to go will still need to stay overnight, because it's too far to travel there and back in one day. 

As I said a few posts later:

Pollycat said:

Some people live in the same town as their partners and parents.
Someone I worked with lived in the same town as their partners and parents but chose a wedding venue 50 miles away for their wedding thus ensuring that everybody had to travel.

Necessary?
I don't think so.

TripleH

Bit late to this, sorry!

When we got married, we chose somewhere local to us but that meant nearly everyone travelling in.

We did have my SIL and her husband staying in our spare room (they'd come over from Australia) and another couple who'd come from China using our lounge to sleep. Our other Australian friend was staying (and travelling up) with family who were also attending.

When our friends who'd come from China got married (they were living then in Europe), we stayed with them, but their wedding was very low key.