Giving my partner an allowance?

Bluebell1000

In our household I work full time and my husband takes on more of the household / child related things. 

In terms of how our arrangement works, we have a joint credit card and bank account. Any household spends come from that account. We give ourselves £30 each to spend on personal stuff every month. Anything left goes into savings.

Something like replacing clothes that are needed e.g jeans with a hole in, come out of household spends. 'Luxury' clothes that are a want rather than a need (I really don't need more Joe Browns tunics 😅) come out of the personal spends, as well as any spending on individual hobbies (e.g. fitness class).

You may have already thought of this, but do make sure the child benefit claimant is the non-working partner, since that gives them national insurance credits. Also check if you can transfer some tax allowance between you to save a little that way.

zagfles

MalMonroe said:

maman said:

I'm assuming you have separate bank accounts and cards at the moment. As it was a joint decision that now was the right time to start a family then I think you should share your salary until she returns to work. 

I'd sit down together and discuss what she feels comfortable with. Perhaps transferring money to her account and/or a credit card for her own use.

At the same time, I'd discuss your joint plans going forward. How long before she does return to work? How many children do you plan to have and when? Just because it's appropriate for you to finance her needs now because of your joint decision, I think it should be time limited. I know of women who have enjoyed being 'yummy mummies' for years while their partners work themselves into the ground. 

Do you have children? Because as a mother, I can tell you that not many women are 'yummy mummies'! 

Being a mother is jolly hard work. And many partners do not work themselves into the ground by any means. 

First come the sleepless nights, of which there are MANY. Next there are the nightmares, of which in my case, there were also many. Then there are the chores - and most women who don't actually go out of the home to work have many of those. Then there's the household shopping. And all of this whilst also caring for a child, or maybe two or three. I do resent it when people insist that being a stay at home mother means you do nothing. I actually went back to work when my child was 3 but that just made the work even harder. My partner pulled his weight but he worked full time while I was part time. I didn't just have to get myself to work but also our child to and from the childminder every day, fit in the shopping and chores and generally work myself into the ground. If you think motherhood is a picnic, you should think again. It IS very rewarding and I'm glad I am a mum I have never been a yummy one, not even when I stayed at home. 

Many women are simply taken for granted. Nobody sees what they do behind the scenes but far too many of them are criticised as being lazy when in actual fact, they are far from it.

The thing is of course that you're both right, both scenarios can and do happen.

We know a couple where the wife is a spendthrift, she was a SAHM while their kids were pre-school, he worked very long hours and usually didn't get home before the kids' bedtime. Money was spent on totally unnecessary stuff, like upgrading perfectly good kitchen, bathroom, TV, designer clothes, handbags etc. These were all her decision, not his.

When the kids were school age she decided to get a part time job, and he was relieved as he'd be able to cut down on overtime. Or so he thought. But she was horrified that he might choose to do less overtime, she had already earmarked what she was going to spend "her" money on, she still expected him to pay all the bills!

OTOH ex neighbours, had a child, he showed no interest whatsoever in his own child, never did any housework or childcare, carried on living his life as before he became a father, down the pub/snooker club most nights etc. Then ended up doing a disappearing act! It was pretty obvious he wasn't ready for the responsility of fatherhood.

You need to work out between you how things will work when you become parents especially when there's an uneven split of responsibilities eg single earner & SAHP, where obviously everything can't be 50/50. In our case, it was fairly clear cut, pre-school I did all the money eaning work, my wife did all the housework, and childcare we shared the best we could. Also not to make the mistake of trying to "tot up" who does more, as that's not really the point, some forms of "work" are stressful, others are drudgy, and others are fun (or maybe fun for one of you but not the other). And it can vary, for instance a day with the kids can vary greatly from a brilliant fun day to a day of stress and drudge. As of course can a day at work.

Grumpy_chap

Looks to me as though the OP and partner need to have a joint budget with everything shared as the starting point.  If there is a desire for both to have their "own" money, then both can have a standing order (the same) to their own separate accounts each month.

The value of a mother and homemaker is far more than any of us could actually afford if it had to be paid for...

maman

MalMonroe said:

maman said:

I'm assuming you have separate bank accounts and cards at the moment. As it was a joint decision that now was the right time to start a family then I think you should share your salary until she returns to work. 

I'd sit down together and discuss what she feels comfortable with. Perhaps transferring money to her account and/or a credit card for her own use.

At the same time, I'd discuss your joint plans going forward. How long before she does return to work? How many children do you plan to have and when? Just because it's appropriate for you to finance her needs now because of your joint decision, I think it should be time limited. I know of women who have enjoyed being 'yummy mummies' for years while their partners work themselves into the ground. 

Do you have children? Because as a mother, I can tell you that not many women are 'yummy mummies'! 

Being a mother is jolly hard work. And many partners do not work themselves into the ground by any means. 

First come the sleepless nights, of which there are MANY. Next there are the nightmares, of which in my case, there were also many. Then there are the chores - and most women who don't actually go out of the home to work have many of those. Then there's the household shopping. And all of this whilst also caring for a child, or maybe two or three. I do resent it when people insist that being a stay at home mother means you do nothing. I actually went back to work when my child was 3 but that just made the work even harder. My partner pulled his weight but he worked full time while I was part time. I didn't just have to get myself to work but also our child to and from the childminder every day, fit in the shopping and chores and generally work myself into the ground. If you think motherhood is a picnic, you should think again. It IS very rewarding and I'm glad I am a mum I have never been a yummy one, not even when I stayed at home. 

Many women are simply taken for granted. Nobody sees what they do behind the scenes but far too many of them are criticised as being lazy when in actual fact, they are far from it.

I do have children and I'm not suggesting that parenting is easy but as @zagfles explained what I described as 'yummy mummies' definitely exist. You obviously did go back to work but many don't and put unnecessary pressure on the sole breadwinner when they could be contributing financially to make life easier. That's why I suggested that OP has a conversation with his wife to decide how long this shared arrangement might last. 

kimwp

maman said:

MalMonroe said:

maman said:

I'm assuming you have separate bank accounts and cards at the moment. As it was a joint decision that now was the right time to start a family then I think you should share your salary until she returns to work. 

I'd sit down together and discuss what she feels comfortable with. Perhaps transferring money to her account and/or a credit card for her own use.

At the same time, I'd discuss your joint plans going forward. How long before she does return to work? How many children do you plan to have and when? Just because it's appropriate for you to finance her needs now because of your joint decision, I think it should be time limited. I know of women who have enjoyed being 'yummy mummies' for years while their partners work themselves into the ground. 

Do you have children? Because as a mother, I can tell you that not many women are 'yummy mummies'! 

Being a mother is jolly hard work. And many partners do not work themselves into the ground by any means. 

First come the sleepless nights, of which there are MANY. Next there are the nightmares, of which in my case, there were also many. Then there are the chores - and most women who don't actually go out of the home to work have many of those. Then there's the household shopping. And all of this whilst also caring for a child, or maybe two or three. I do resent it when people insist that being a stay at home mother means you do nothing. I actually went back to work when my child was 3 but that just made the work even harder. My partner pulled his weight but he worked full time while I was part time. I didn't just have to get myself to work but also our child to and from the childminder every day, fit in the shopping and chores and generally work myself into the ground. If you think motherhood is a picnic, you should think again. It IS very rewarding and I'm glad I am a mum I have never been a yummy one, not even when I stayed at home. 

Many women are simply taken for granted. Nobody sees what they do behind the scenes but far too many of them are criticised as being lazy when in actual fact, they are far from it.

I do have children and I'm not suggesting that parenting is easy but as @zagfles explained what I described as 'yummy mummies' definitely exist. You obviously did go back to work but many don't and put unnecessary pressure on the sole breadwinner when they could be contributing financially to make life easier. That's why I suggested that OP has a conversation with his wife to decide how long this shared arrangement might last. 

I'd suggest a shared arrangement would last the length of their relationship!

OP, it's not an allowance, it's sharing the family's income between the people responsible for spending for the family. Whether this is fed into separate accounts or in a joint account, she should have access to an equal amount. Some posters have made some very good points about what might come out of this money, for example, differentiating wants and needs. I think this is a very good idea, but one that should be part of an ongoing discussion. For example, going out for cake and coffee is probably a want under normal circumstances. But on maternity, given the lengths of time spent on her own without adult interaction, cake and coffee a couple of times a week offers a lifeline to other mothers going through similar periods of loneliness and challenges.

Mojisola

RadNickC said:

Due to my £40k salary, she's not entitled to any benefits whatsoever, and no maternity allowance from the government due to not being in work long enough over the past year (despite having been in full time employment for 20 years prior!)
My salary covers our mortgage, car and kitchen loan payments, council and bills etc and leaves us enough for food and a few luxories.
If she wants something like clothes or something for the house, she has to ask me for it, and I feel really bad that she can't just go ahead and get it herself.
She however feels uncomfortable about my suggestion of me giving her £200 each month.

If it was the other way round and you were going to be a stay-at-home Dad, how would you feel about your wife giving you an allowance?

Wouldn't you prefer that the two of had an equal amount of money at the end of each month after bills and savings were accounted for?

zagfles

kimwp said:

maman said:

MalMonroe said:

maman said:

I'm assuming you have separate bank accounts and cards at the moment. As it was a joint decision that now was the right time to start a family then I think you should share your salary until she returns to work. 

I'd sit down together and discuss what she feels comfortable with. Perhaps transferring money to her account and/or a credit card for her own use.

At the same time, I'd discuss your joint plans going forward. How long before she does return to work? How many children do you plan to have and when? Just because it's appropriate for you to finance her needs now because of your joint decision, I think it should be time limited. I know of women who have enjoyed being 'yummy mummies' for years while their partners work themselves into the ground. 

Do you have children? Because as a mother, I can tell you that not many women are 'yummy mummies'! 

Being a mother is jolly hard work. And many partners do not work themselves into the ground by any means. 

First come the sleepless nights, of which there are MANY. Next there are the nightmares, of which in my case, there were also many. Then there are the chores - and most women who don't actually go out of the home to work have many of those. Then there's the household shopping. And all of this whilst also caring for a child, or maybe two or three. I do resent it when people insist that being a stay at home mother means you do nothing. I actually went back to work when my child was 3 but that just made the work even harder. My partner pulled his weight but he worked full time while I was part time. I didn't just have to get myself to work but also our child to and from the childminder every day, fit in the shopping and chores and generally work myself into the ground. If you think motherhood is a picnic, you should think again. It IS very rewarding and I'm glad I am a mum I have never been a yummy one, not even when I stayed at home. 

Many women are simply taken for granted. Nobody sees what they do behind the scenes but far too many of them are criticised as being lazy when in actual fact, they are far from it.

I do have children and I'm not suggesting that parenting is easy but as @zagfles explained what I described as 'yummy mummies' definitely exist. You obviously did go back to work but many don't and put unnecessary pressure on the sole breadwinner when they could be contributing financially to make life easier. That's why I suggested that OP has a conversation with his wife to decide how long this shared arrangement might last. 

I'd suggest a shared arrangement would last the length of their relationship!

OP, it's not an allowance, it's sharing the family's income between the people responsible for spending for the family. Whether this is fed into separate accounts or in a joint account, she should have access to an equal amount. Some posters have made some very good points about what might come out of this money, for example, differentiating wants and needs. I think this is a very good idea, but one that should be part of an ongoing discussion. For example, going out for cake and coffee is probably a want under normal circumstances. But on maternity, given the lengths of time spent on her own without adult interaction, cake and coffee a couple of times a week offers a lifeline to other mothers going through similar periods of loneliness and challenges.

Socialising with other mothers doesn't "need" to become "ladies who lunch", we had a mothers and toddlers in the local church hall which AIRI was free, or maybe a token payment. And then once the mothers (and the odd father, like me) got to know each other we'd often get together at peoples' homes. Obviously budgets will vary and some will be able to easily afford to eat out twice a week, but if money is tight it's not really sensible to pay coffee shop prices.

TBagpuss

I'd suggest hat you have a joint account and have your pay (and and child benefit or pay she may receive, in due course) going into that. Have a separate account each and transfer a set amount from the joint account to each individual account each month - that way, all the money coming in goes to a single account, all the bills, including spending on the house, for the baby, etc., goes out from the joint account, but you each have a set amount each month for your personal use.

You need to sit down together and look at your current budget and spending so that you can work out how much disposable income there is is, and split this equally so you each have 50% of that going into your respective sole amounts (this will of course need a bit of juggling as your spending will probably vary and will change when the baby os born, so you'll need to keep the figures under review.

Perhaps also stress that it is not you 'giving' her an allowance - you as a couple have jointly decided right now, the best thing for your family is for her to focus on the very important but not financially rewarding work of preparing for and caring for the baby, while you work in paid employment.

I think that as the person with the more financial lower right now, you probably need to be most diligent and not framing it as something you are giving her - point out that by staying home she is freeing you up to earn that money, so she is helping to produce it . It may help to point out how much you would have to pay if you wanted someone to work as a housekeeper and nanny .

RadNickC

Thanks all for the advice and very interesting examples and experiences.
Just to clarify, the £200 I suggested was worked out as we have about £400 left over after mortgage, bills etc. So would be an equal split.
I appreciate the comments about 'allowance' being for kids and not a partner, which I agree with.
I do like the joint account idea. Trying to think about working this practically
 Currently my salary goes into my account and all bills etc go out of it.
I see 3 options, what do you think?
1. I add my partner to the account (is this even possible?)
2. We set up a joint account to replace my account. And sort salary and bills etc to go to and from that.
3. We set up a new joint account where I'd transfer in £400 or whatever we had leftover each month

rach_k

I think it's a good idea for both of you to sit down and make a list of what you consider reasonable amounts of money on things each month.  If you do it for both of you, it should be less awkward for her.  Then you can just agree that both of you will have that amount paid into your personal accounts each month, to cover your own expenses.  Right now, you'll be the one paying the money.  If she gets a job and you lose yours, she will pay you.  If you're both working and earning roughly the same, you'd just pay your own expenses.  

You could also work out if there are things she buys for the family that you want her to have the money for without asking.  My husband and I have a joint account for home/grocery/child type expenses and he pays money into that each month too.  He could spend from the joint account, if he bothered to find his card, but as I do all of the family buying, he never has done (but we both know he could!).  

For me, having a separate personal account is really important.  It makes budgeting easier to have separate accounts for personal and family expenditure, but also means that I don't feel bad about spending on myself (because the money in my personal account is meant for me, not the family).