Giving my partner an allowance?

RadNickC

Looking for advice and opinions please!
My partner was made redundant in lockdown and struggled to find a new job. She's now pregnant and we made the decision for her to not work for now and wait till a while after baby's born.
Due to my £40k salary, she's not entitled to any benefits whatsoever, and no maternity allowance from the government due to not being in work long enough over the past year (despite having been in full time employment for 20 years prior!)

My salary covers our mortgage, car and kitchen loan payments, council and bills etc and leaves us enough for food and a few luxories. 

If she wants something like clothes or something for the house, she has to ask me for it, and I feel really bad that she can't just go ahead and get it herself.

She however feels uncomfortable about my suggestion of me giving her £200 each month.

Anyone else in a similar position? How do you manage together?

Chris_English

You could just put money into a joint account, or add her as a cardholder on one of your credit cards.

I do understand that nowadays it’ll feel a bit strange when you were formerly both contributing, but she’s contributing just as much through the childbearing and then looking after the baby, so you do need to find a way to get her comfortable with using “your” wages for things she and the baby need.

maman

I'm assuming you have separate bank accounts and cards at the moment. As it was a joint decision that now was the right time to start a family then I think you should share your salary until she returns to work. 

I'd sit down together and discuss what she feels comfortable with. Perhaps transferring money to her account and/or a credit card for her own use.

At the same time, I'd discuss your joint plans going forward. How long before she does return to work? How many children do you plan to have and when? Just because it's appropriate for you to finance her needs now because of your joint decision, I think it should be time limited. I know of women who have enjoyed being 'yummy mummies' for years while their partners work themselves into the ground. 

SootySweep1

Hi
Could you establish a joint account that she can access ? 
Jen

Savvy_Sue

SootySweep1 said:

Hi
Could you establish a joint account that she can access ? 
Jen

And make sure she knows it's hers to spend without having to justify every penny!

maman

Personally I'd prefer a separate account. Then only she knows what she's spending the money on. It's about trust for me. 

tacpot12

If I was in your situation, I would discuss what ideas she has, but if she has no preference, I would recommend that you look at your monthly and annual outgoings, subtract these from your net wage and split the difference 50/50.  The result might be a bit more than £200 per month going to her, but there is some logic to the arrangement and you can both afford to treat the other occasionally. 

kaMelo

What did you do before, joint somethings or totally separate everything?

maman said:

Personally I'd prefer a separate account. Then only she knows what she's spending the money on. It's about trust for me. 

So you don't know what she is spending money on, or, so she doesn't know what you're spending money on?



The simple solution is a joint everything then no one needs to ask anyone, however I'm well aware that's not for everyone. If not then as a single wage household you're going to have to have the conversation about all income and outgoings so you're both on the same pagee and work out a budget that fits.

zagfles

I'd agree with the joint everything approach, bank accounts, credit cards etc, assuming you're both reasonably good with money and on the same wavelength financially. It's what we did and we both found it incredibly liberating.

IMO an allowance is something you give kids, not your partner, it just seems wrong to me to give your partner an allowance like pocket money.

MalMonroe

I agree with those saying joint accounts. When I was pregnant we lived overseas and I hadn't worked long for the organisation I was with so wasn't entitled to any maternity pay. We'd started off with a joint account at the start of our married life and both just used that for everything. He earned a good salary and we never even thought about the fact that he was working to support us all, we just got on with it. Then we returned to the UK and were entitled to child benefit but still had a joint account. I was raising our child. He was supporting the three of us. Although I did return to work when our child was 3. And after that we continued to have a joint account. 

I'd have baulked at any allowance too. But I didn't have to have any such thing. It may have been a bit of a '1950s' thing to do but it never occurred to us to do anything different but share. (And giving your wife an 'allowance' - formerly known as 'housekeeping' is also a throwback to the 1950s). There was no 'this is mine and that is yours'. We trusted each other, would figure out our monthly budgets together and there was never any problem. If the situation were reversed and your wife had wanted to carry on working and was earning more than you, you could have been a stay at home dad and would probably have wanted to have a joint account too. 

It shouldn't be a problem.  

MalMonroe

maman said:

I'm assuming you have separate bank accounts and cards at the moment. As it was a joint decision that now was the right time to start a family then I think you should share your salary until she returns to work. 

I'd sit down together and discuss what she feels comfortable with. Perhaps transferring money to her account and/or a credit card for her own use.

At the same time, I'd discuss your joint plans going forward. How long before she does return to work? How many children do you plan to have and when? Just because it's appropriate for you to finance her needs now because of your joint decision, I think it should be time limited. I know of women who have enjoyed being 'yummy mummies' for years while their partners work themselves into the ground. 

Do you have children? Because as a mother, I can tell you that not many women are 'yummy mummies'! 

Being a mother is jolly hard work. And many partners do not work themselves into the ground by any means. 

First come the sleepless nights, of which there are MANY. Next there are the nightmares, of which in my case, there were also many. Then there are the chores - and most women who don't actually go out of the home to work have many of those. Then there's the household shopping. And all of this whilst also caring for a child, or maybe two or three. I do resent it when people insist that being a stay at home mother means you do nothing. I actually went back to work when my child was 3 but that just made the work even harder. My partner pulled his weight but he worked full time while I was part time. I didn't just have to get myself to work but also our child to and from the childminder every day, fit in the shopping and chores and generally work myself into the ground. If you think motherhood is a picnic, you should think again. It IS very rewarding and I'm glad I am a mum I have never been a yummy one, not even when I stayed at home. 

Many women are simply taken for granted. Nobody sees what they do behind the scenes but far too many of them are criticised as being lazy when in actual fact, they are far from it.