Money Moral Dilemma: Should I charge my partner rent?

MSE_Kelvin

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

I'm in a long-term relationship, and though we don't live together he stays at my house more than half of each week. He has his own place provided through work, so pays minimal rent and household bills. As he stays at mine most of the time, should I charge him for rent and bills?

Unfortunately the MSE team can't answer Money Moral Dilemma questions as contributions are emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be a point of debate and discussed at face value. Remember that behind each dilemma there is a real person so, as the forum rules say, please keep it kind and keep it clean.

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london21

He can contribute to bills or something but i there relly a relationship if it turns to a business transaction of shaing everything equally.
do you also go over to his place?
More information such as both your income, expenses etc would help reaching a fair conclusion.

Mojisola

MSE_Kelvin said:

I'm in a long-term relationship, and though we don't live together he stays at my house more than half of each week. He has his own place provided through work, so pays minimal rent and household bills. As he stays at mine most of the time, should I charge him for rent and bills?

If he hasn't already offered to pay his way at your house, I'd be looking at the relationship.  Does he really live off you for more than half the time and think that's okay?

NP09

Before asking that question, I'd be asking the question "where is our relationship going?".  Clear that up and the rest will follow.  (Sounds suspiciously like the answer will be "hedging bets", which is a far more important issue to address.)

REJP

Seriously, if you have to ask strangers this question, I suggest you are in the wrong relationship.
Do you ever stay over at his property, and if so, do you contribute to his costs?  Seems you are asking if he should pay to be in both places while you are in one?  I don't mean these comments to be unkind.

Flipflop13

Did he ask if it’s ok to stay with you a significant amount of time or did you invite him? Or was it just unspoken because it felt natural to go that way? Unless he specifically asked to stay with you or did this uninvited then no you shouldn’t except a contribution, it’s just part of a relationship. If this has come about because you like staying at your own home more with your things around you, then he shouldn’t be asked to pay board.

Sometimes someone has a larger home or closer to public transport and it just feels easier. When I first met my husband, he was getting a dog shortly after we met. It made sense to spend more time at my property as it was a house with a garden, he had a ground floor flat with no allocated garden. It just went unspoken that my house was more suitable. I liked my own bed so it suited me fine!

Don’t forget you had this property before you had him (I assume) so were paying for it yourself. He should only contribute anything that may bring an additional cost such as food and potentially fuel if you really feel it’s necessary. 

iclayt

How much extra does it cost you a month to have him stay over? Does he leave the lights and TV on when he leaves a room? Does he shower twice a day? Does he have the heating on when you wouldn't normally switch it on? Small examples, but it adds up, and I don't think, if you are in a long term relationship and staying in the same house half the time, that it would be unreasonable to have a contribution to utilities. 
Or maybe he doesn't do these things and doesn't run up many extra costs. Does he stock up the fridge and loo roll, offer to cook/pay for takeaways, and save you money in other ways? 
Perhaps talk about moving in together properly!

Groom

By all means suggest he contributes towards food if he doesn't already. I would work out if it is actually costing you any more, other than in food, to have him staying there. Perhaps suggest that you take it in turns to stay at each other's place rather than him always staying at your house. Or, if the relationship is serious, talk about moving in together - unless you own your house you would be better off moving in with him if he has subsidised living! 

Afourteen

First long term G/F; her house and bills, me keeping our cars on the road. She paid household bills, me I paid for holidays. jointly paid for food. It worked for both of us.. 

Swellmel06

MSE_Kelvin said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

I'm in a long-term relationship, and though we don't live together he stays at my house more than half of each week. He has his own place provided through work, so pays minimal rent and household bills. As he stays at mine most of the time, should I charge him for rent and bills?

Unfortunately the MSE team can't answer Money Moral Dilemma questions as contributions are emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be a point of debate and discussed at face value. Remember that behind each dilemma there is a real person so, as the forum rules say, please keep it kind and keep it clean.

  If you haven’t already, join the forum to reply.

  Got a Money Moral Dilemma of your own? Suggest an MMD.

 Well, I’m going to be frank, but not to hurt your feelings, I’m just saying!

If you’re in a relationship, he lives somewhere and you live somewhere else, why should he pay for your rent on top of his own?  If he rented an apartment and he didn’t stay there that often, would the landlord accept less rent? No, he/she wouldn’t. I’m not sure where this new age ‘if he stays at mine he should pay stuff’ started. As others have already said, if you stayed at his would you contribute? Why does the fact the he pays less rent come into it? Are you jealous that he pays less and you didn’t get such a good deal when you moved into your place? If you couldn’t afford it, then why are you there? Why not offer to move into his and pay less than less? 

My son was in a similar situation, and he felt obliged to help his girlfriend out by paying her bills, even though he struggled to pay his own. He wanted to be a man and show he cared. He paid minimal housekeeping, as did my daughter. We all work, but why should he pay for two places? I obviously couldn’t influence him to not pay, because that was his obligation to his relationship. She didn’t know what his financial obligations were, bless her, but now he paid much more and traveled from home to hers because of love. Where’s the fairness in that. 

Anyway, back to your situation. If he stays over, and it annoys you because he eats a lot, and is in the shower too long wasting out water, and has the heating on, then maybe you need to either decide if you should live together, and split the bills or he contributes a little towards the food. If he’s eating it he should pay something (contrary to what I said above). Does he pay for meals when you go out? Is it fair? Do you pay sometimes? 

Maybe your budget is tight. If so you need to have that conversation with him and be honest, say your struggling. Maybe moving into his would be a win win situation for both of you. If not, and he can’t afford to, and you remain annoyed that he isn’t helping then maybe you need to discuss whether the relationship is worth it. If it means that much to you that you can’t afford to keep living like that. It sounds like this is a small thing that could grow to a big thing and you will just use this against him. 

Be fair, be kind, and know that even though he maybe paying less rent where he is, you might not know the full picture of his financial obligations. 

gloriouslyhappy

No, I don’t think you should charge him for rent and bills. But if this relationship has been going on for a while I’d be looking at him to help out with groceries in some way, to contribute towards food costs as he stays with you most of the week. If he’s not already buying takeaways and bringing the odd bags of shopping round to cover his share of food and toiletries, I’d be thinking of how to broach the subject.