How do you plan to take care of your DH's mum in her old age?

onylon

I moved to be nearer my in-laws and the intention is for them to keep living independently in their own home for as long as possible. I don't know what we would do if one or both of them needed long term care as it would really depend on the circumstances.

I wouldn't rule out some kind of residential care if it was needed. My Grandad spent his last weeks in a lovely care home. By that point he had some complex medical needs and it gave my Mum a lot of comfort to know that he was getting much better care than she could provide herself.

KxMx

My Great Aunt (mid 80`s) has been in a care home for a couple of years now, she's gone from relying on two sticks for mobility to none at all. 

Sadly the dementia only gets worse but physically she has never been better.

She was living with family and getting 4 care visits a day, but after going into respite care it became clear even all that wasn't enough and she needed permanent residential care. 

Silvertabby

It's not just the care aspect.  My friend knew that her mother-in-laws plan to move in with her 'favourite son' when she could no longer cope on her own would never work.

Whenever m-i-l stayed with them for a few days 'holiday' she insisted on setting the rules - what she wanted to eat, when to eat, when and where to go out etc.  Plus she insisted that both of their bedroom doors be left open at night, in case she needed something and they wouldn't hear her shouting if their door was closed.  My friend tried to explain that they needed their privacy, but m-i-l just scoffed and said that 'that' was only for making babies, and that they were too old for that (50s).

Fortunately, she was able to manage in her own home until she needed to move into a care home.

strawberries1

@Pollycat We don't have separate contributions, he certainly doesn't fob off me. My DH isn't that sort. DH's flat is mortgage free, he pays the bills and gives me an allowance. He gets more than I earn even though I work. He pays for our treatments etc. If I have any complaint it's about the amount he gives to our church which is half of all his income. We give to charities and those are all fine. He loaned his siblings money to buy their properties but those I've suggested we consider them written off, he's also helped them financially when they needed.  The only thing I have issues with is how he uses he time. He uses his time working for free for non profits. He isn't looking for work. We discussed this before we started dating seriously and he said he will. So from time to time I ask about this. I feel a bit anxious that as we're older and only about to start a family we need to work if we can, while we can.  Yes, IVF is very expensive especially as the NHS won't help us cos of our ages even though we've both paid in and not needed anything major; that's just how it is. To add to this my work hasn't been as steady since covid. Yes he's very hands on domestically. I hear what you say about advice from friends but because of my background it's difficult for me to confidently push back on the idea cos I grew up with this and feel that it's the right way to care for one's parents. My conflict is that the SE isn't conducive for this sort of living arrangement and my MIL is still very emotionally invested in my DH. I'm worried about the effects her living with us will have on my DH and I's relationship and then the strain from the responsibility. So I'll like to know what experiences other have had and how they've dealt with it.

@sheramber yes, that's one of my concerns. May I ask how old you are and your experience trying to build a social/new life in your new home?

@Mojisola when you say it took years to recover from taking care of your parents what do you mean please? Is this from the physical stress? They were living in their own home; for how long did you end up having to spend every night there? Was it still stressful with carers coming in? Did they get as much help from carers as they could? Considering they remained in the community that saw them as the neighbourhood's grandparents' that's something to think about in comparison to if they were in a new community.

@onylon if my MIL was in a smaller property she could be more likely to stay in the house and will require less help. It is clear my MIL isn't looking to buy a bungalow. Tonight she said my DH will like to come but it's cos of what she says she needs doing. 

@KxMx it's lovely to hear that there're homes which are lovely and help residents get stronger. Perhaps I need to explore homes so when my DH talks them down I can say there are good ones can serve a good purpose. So while living with family she had four carers come in; how long was this for? 

@Silvertabby Oh my days! That's something else. I married later in life and haven't been married for long so we still have a lot of time to catch up on. I trust that my DH will check his mum on that. He always does so she checks herself but being in the same household even loosely, I feel will make her susceptible to relapse into old form.

Particularly grateful for the examples commenters have shared of their experiences. 
Thank you. 

Mojisola

strawberries1 said:

@Mojisola when you say it took years to recover from taking care of your parents what do you mean please? Is this from the physical stress? They were living in their own home; for how long did you end up having to spend every night there? Was it still stressful with carers coming in? Did they get as much help from carers as they could? Considering they remained in the community that saw them as the neighbourhood's grandparents' that's something to think about in comparison to if they were in a new community.

My health had been bad for many years - my parents helped us a great deal while our children were small so I was happy to have recovered enough to help them out when they needed it. 

Ironically, it was because I wasn't well enough to hold down a job that I was available all through the week for doctor/hospital visits, shopping trips, etc.  I ended up doing a more-than-fulltime job looking after them.  

I spent the nights at their house for a couple of years - it was easier than having the phone go in the middle of the night to say Mum had fallen, Dad wasn't well, etc, and having to get up and rush over to their house.

I thought I was coping well, resting as much as possible when I was at home, but I obviously wasn't - after Dad's death, I was really ill again and it took a couple of years to pick up again. 

strawberries1

Mojisola said:

strawberries1 said:

@Mojisola when you say it took years to recover from taking care of your parents what do you mean please? Is this from the physical stress? They were living in their own home; for how long did you end up having to spend every night there? Was it still stressful with carers coming in? Did they get as much help from carers as they could? Considering they remained in the community that saw them as the neighbourhood's grandparents' that's something to think about in comparison to if they were in a new community.

My health had been bad for many years - my parents helped us a great deal while our children were small so I was happy to have recovered enough to help them out when they needed it. 

Ironically, it was because I wasn't well enough to hold down a job that I was available all through the week for doctor/hospital visits, shopping trips, etc.  I ended up doing a more-than-fulltime job looking after them.  

I spent the nights at their house for a couple of years - it was easier than having the phone go in the middle of the night to say Mum had fallen, Dad wasn't well, etc, and having to get up and rush over to their house.

I thought I was coping well, resting as much as possible when I was at home, but I obviously wasn't - after Dad's death, I was really ill again and it took a couple of years to pick up again. 

Thanks for sharing further. Also, the dynamic is different in certain aspects when it's one's own parent as as they've helped with your children you've had the opportunity to relate closely while handling obligations to your own nuclear family. 

Mojisola

strawberries1 said:

Thanks for sharing further. Also, the dynamic is different in certain aspects when it's one's own parent as as they've helped with your children you've had the opportunity to relate closely while handling obligations to your own nuclear family.

It certainly is.  I got on very well with my in-laws but I couldn't have done for them what I did for my parents.

noclaf

Op, I will share my experiences as a carer for a parent with Alzheimer's....this might end up being a long post so just a warning

I was a carer for the best part of 10 years for my mum who was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, we also lived together. The first few years weren't too difficult as she was still fully independent, going out on her own etc. It was a very gradual decline but the last few years were v tough. Hygiene in particular became a problem due to incontinence and being quite messy with meals, eating away from the dining table etc. In the last few years, I had to organise carers via the LA,  some were good, some not so much. My mum started to have falls during the last few years so having carers visit while I was at work provided some comfort that even if she fell, there would be someone to raise the alarm and get help etc It also meant my mum would have regular showers (hygiene and self care became a huge challenge as her condition progressed).

I recently moved my mum into a care home, I know it's for the best as after getting married I needed my own space and there is no way I could think about having my own family whilst being a carer too. In addition her sleep patterns and hygiene aspects were becoming v difficult to manage and quite disruptive in the night. I work in a high stress job with long hours, just not sustainable balancing that with a carer role and having sleep impacted too....would of been heading for mental meltdown and it certainly would of impacted my marriage negatively longer term.

In terms of other challenges that you need to consider:
Annexxe - would the person happily stay in a segregated building and be happy to do so? My mother would not of been happy but due to the challenges with keeping the environment clean we couldn't share the same living space day to day

My parents came from a different part of the world with a different culture when it comes to caring for elders, typically the grandparents would be kept in the same household so you have the situation of being a carer and having kids of your own...it's been done in my wider family for my gran but had a significantly negative impact on the carers. I am UK born so have perspective on the different approaches. The change in the pace of life and increased work hours over the last 20-30 years means it's simply not sustainable to be a full time carer/care giver and hold down a full-time job...yes it can be done but the cost to health and especially mental health....you need to think about this carefully. 
Care costs - I previously did some research and it seems 24/7 care at home is likely to exceed a residential care home in many cases. Add on top bills for utilities, food and cleaning(I had to bring in a cleaner weekly) and it all starts to add up.
Medical appointments can take up a.lot of time, travelling and having to book time.off.work...its also tiring though accept it's part and parcel.of getting older. In a care home, much of this will be handled by the home themselves. There are some exceptions in my mothers case but given my increased free time, I'm now.more than happy to help take her along to appointments.

The last few months have been especially tough for me mentally, questioning if I did the right thing, the guilt at putting my mother in a care home which she wasn't fully happy with(though the actual home and level of care is fine) but on the flip side and taking a step back, it has allowed me to focus on other parts of my life that I had no time for before, I can make our living space more presentable (previously couldn't bring in guests), I can visit my mother whenever I feel and am able to visit without feeling mentally drained from a day spent caring for her whilst juggling work and other life events, responsibilities etc.
I also echo Mojisola's comment, what I have done for my parents, I doubt my other half could do the same and vice versa..it sounds bad/selfish but it's not that, rather the dynamic and relationship with our own parents can never be replaced having known them our whole lives and knowing what they have done for us etc

strawberries1

@noclaf thank you for sharing your experience. It seems exposure to a different culture does make it difficult to accept the realities of our current abode. I wish I could say we've reached a sensible decision but we're not there yet. The contributions on this thread have been really helpful for me.

katkatmachine

Eeeekkk! No!!! Even with my own parents I can’t imagine living with them and my partner under one roof. Mind you, my parents and I are very close but still no!!! That’s going to be a mess. Even now your MIL is already the third person in your relationship, once she moves in with you, YOU will be the third person! Lol. Especially with your partner having a strong sense of duty to take care of your MIL!