How do you plan to take care of your DH's mum in her old age?

strawberries1

@Ms_Chocaholic One sibling is equidistant and the other is  15 miles further ie 115. Neither are married. DH does the caring cos he's caring and being the first child he feels he should be responsible for the family. Also he interprets the Bible verse about honouring your parent to mean caring for them.

@Pollycat I don't mind helping her from time to time but I couldn't be her main carer, raise children and progress my careers at the same time. No I won't deal with incontinence, I won't do it for my parent but they won't ever want me to do that cos the irony is in my culture that will be dishonouring. The other day we were reading the story of Noah and how his sons Shem and Japheth ensured they didn't see their father's nakedness while they covered him up. I explained that honouring one's parents is not seeing their nakedness.

What do you mean by look into the financial side? I recently found out that if she contributed to our purchase to help with the annex the house might need to be sold if the money was needed for her care. I explained to my hubby but he didn't think this was a problem. We've been house hunting for over a year but it's been impossible to find a house with annexe or annexe potential. So this is another issue as living in a one bed isn't conducive for us and our immediate plans to start a family.

@Mojisola he does stand up for me and says he's constantly talking to her about what is acceptable. His siblings also had a word with her about how she was treating me when she first met.
 She doesn't compare them but it's obvious. For example, DH will help her do everything she asks, not just her garden, veg patch, shopping, cooking etc but always pluck her chin hair, wash her hair, cut her nails etc without falling out no matter how long he stays. His siblings on the other hand will do two items on her list usually his brother does none so DH has to go there before he arrives to help with the bedding for brother and 16yr old daughter for example. By the time sister leaves sister is complaining and so it DH's mum; same with brother but not as bad as he doesn't do things cos he doesn't do things the way she wants.

@TBagpuss Yes the discussion was had after my DH proposed. I'll try to make a long story short. DH's siblings did say they'll step up as DH will be getting married and can no longer spend extended periods at mum's. They checked up on her more for about 5months but not providing much help even when they're visiting her. Either they're on their phones, laptop or the pub. 

Regarding downsizing MIL said there was only one bungalow she could ever live in. Surprisingly it came up for sale about a year later, but she changed her mind to another bungalow saying the other one wasn't as good as she thought and this bungalow was fantastic etc. Again it came up for sale almost a year later but again she changed her mind. I wondered what would now happen and lo and behold she said she would live with us.

She doesn't live near London so the disparity in price is in multiples. I know what you mean about underlying attitudes. After a week of visiting her or when there's someone else there she tends to slip and say degrading things about my country or culture. I've told DH that this won't be conducive for our children and even if I can bear it during a visit to her I couldn't take it consistently. He's constantly talking to her about being more mindful. To my MIL anything none English or British is inferior. So it's a big effort for her to think otherwise. I can see that the siblings can't help cos they're different personalities and world views. She wants them to do things her exact own way and they like to do things their exact own way. 

strawberries1

Thanks for all your comments and suggestions. 
I've also thought about her buying a ground floor flat but she's like an elderly Hyacinth Bucket. The two bungalows she said would be suitable she again changed her mind when they by chance came on the market. She'll faint at hte thought of living in a flat. She lives alone in a four bed two reception house and constantly complains about homes any opportunity she gets. 

@Pixie5740 They have many stories of how troublesome they were except my DH. He always did what his parent, teachers instructed. His siblings on the other hand are just not wired in that way. They've always had issues with eachother, their, teachers, employers and partners. DH siblings themselves say they ie bro and sis are very difficult people and gave their parents hell and can't live with anyone ie no partner or long term stable relationship. They're not bad people they just prefer a carefree life which has meant that my DH has had to bail them out of very dire situations with mortgage debt, relationship dramas, employer issue etc. Although my DH is English he has a more traditional view of being responsible for his family as the first born child.

@Savvy_Sue yes this had been discussed and she was to move to a bungalow in the village, the issue was that she only wanted one particular one. However, when it did come up she changed her mind. This happened once to one bungalow and 2ce to another bungalow as it came back on to the market again.

@elsien I understand what you mean that it's likely to be a big strain even with carers coming in. So how does one cope? I must say, it's doesn't come naturally to me to now want to help but only with things like shopping, admin, driving, running errands, providing occasional hot meals, arranging carers and appointments but not bathing etc. However, I worry that being in constant close proximity will give more opportunity for MIL to have issues with me, how we raise our children etc. 

I've also brought up the real possibility that she'll want him with her often and how we'll have to be responsible for her entertainment and social life if she moves away from her village where she's lived six decades.

We talk about these from time to time but other than my DH and MIL noone thinks it's a good idea for our marriage. Thanks for the link.

Ms_Chocaholic

Thank you for your comprehensive reply that explains the situation further.  I wonder if you could use this tack - say you would enjoy having her live close by but that you have been looking for a property with a granny annexe with no luck.  Ask her to keep an eye on the market and if she finds a bungalow she likes to give you a call and you will pop round to view it in the first instance.  Are bungalows rare/in high demand where you live, if so it'll be highly likely by the time she is able to come and view it it has already been sold so you start again at keeping an eye on the market.  Hopefully nothing will come up that she fancies and she can stay where she is

strawberries1

@Ms_Chocaholic thanks for your suggestion. We have a bit of wide area we're looking at ie two counties neighbouring London while she lives 100 miles away. Bear in mind that both times the only bungalow she said she could ever live in came on the market she immediately changed her mind without even viewing them.

As you say, emphasising the difficulty in finding a suitable property and then my apprehension about the arrangement with the suggestion that we look for a bungalow for her near us is perhaps the way. I suspect she'll never find any bungalow suitable and my DH will have to keep going to help but I'll have to reduce the amount of time I go as we'll hopefully have kids and she'll be forced to buy in services.

Pollycat

strawberries1 said:

@Pollycat I don't mind helping her from time to time but I couldn't be her main carer, raise children and progress my careers at the same time. No I won't deal with incontinence, I won't do it for my parent but they won't ever want me to do that cos the irony is in my culture that will be dishonouring. The other day we were reading the story of Noah and how his sons Shem and Japheth ensured they didn't see their father's nakedness while they covered him up. I explained that honouring one's parents is not seeing their nakedness.

So who would be her main carer should she need it and doesn't want to go into a home?strawberries1 said:

@Pollycat

What do you mean by look into the financial side? I recently found out that if she contributed to our purchase to help with the annex the house might need to be sold if the money was needed for her care. I explained to my hubby but he didn't think this was a problem. We've been house hunting for over a year but it's been impossible to find a house with annexe or annexe potential. So this is another issue as living in a one bed isn't conducive for us and our immediate plans to start a family.

Exactly that.

You need to ensure that you would not be financially disadvantaged should your M-i-L have to go into a care or nursing home and she has a financial stake in your home.

From your other comments, I think your OH has made a rod for his own back and any stepping back from what he is already doing will be met with dissatisfaction if not anger.

Gavin83

strawberries1 said:

She says she will never live in a home. She talks down on homes and negatively about her friends and family there. She says she'll like to live with us.

Neither of those options are her choice ultimately.

It's really down to you and your DH. What I will say is if she gets sick enough she requires a care home then it will be a huge drain on you, both physically and emotionally. You will effectively sacrifice your life for that period of time and it will put a huge strain on your marriage.

Think very carefully. That's not to say it can't be done though.

In answer to your general question if a parent or in law required 24/7 care I'd place them in a care home. Frankly they'd be far better looked after and I don't really consider myself capable of providing such care. I don't even want children partly for this reason. They do however have the finances to make sure they go somewhere of a high standard.

sheramber

if she moves in with you there will be no going back, no  matter how difficult things become. 

You say your husband picks her up about  her comments about you heritage. But she keeps doing it so that is not going to change.

You and your husband need to sit down and discuss all the pro and cons.

How much are you prepared to let her take over your lives?. 

How would she cope living with a baby crying , waking during the night, noisy, boisterous children running around?

What happens if she need more care and still refuses to go into a home? If she lives with you , you will be expected to provide that care as home care services are overstretched.

there are references in the Bible for a husband/wife relationship

Ephesians 5:25: "For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her." 9. Genesis 2:24: "Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh."6 Jul 2020

seven-day-weekend

Keep_pedalling said:

Coming at this from the other direction, the last thing I want if I need care is to burden my family with the task. My first choice will be to be cared for in my own home, but by a professional not family.

I would also rather be in a care home then at home with a family member looking after me. 

Same here.

MovingForwards

Why would you bring someone into your daily life and home, when it's clear you are not accepted by MIL as family and you won't be first place to your husband.

niallmitch

"I'm early 40s and my hubs is mid 50s"

If you want children then you better get on with it and stop delaying due to MIL