I am dating a married man-now what?

Frith

Get rid of this one and find yourself someone who is not married. 

TripleH

Be very wary about making commitments long term to married individuals even if they say they are divorcing.

They may be lying or you may get sucked into helping pay off a spouse which has nothing to fo with you.

thorsoak

OP - I am sorry that you find that the man that you thought was single is not - but now I have question for you:  why are you still with a man who has lied to you and is cheating on another woman?   If he has done this once, he can do it twice.     Also - do you know that his brother is not doing the same thing?   At the very least, the brother is colluding in the cheat's lies.

Don't even waste time on saying goodbye - block him on phone, social media and everything else.

Archergirl

Run as fast as you can, how could you ever trust him?

kimwp

You know he's married, you know he's planning a future with his wife, any further digging is just a waste of your life when you could be finding someone good.

Slinky

OP has raised this post and never come back.

pickledonionspaceraider

ConfuseddMe said:

Hello,

I will try to write about my situation as clearly as possible… so it will be long… my boyfriend is from an EU country, we have been dating for 5 months now. His brother has been here in the UK for a long time with his wife and teenage son, they have a house, my boyfriend lives with them. When I first went out with my boyfriend, he informed me he had recently got divorced and came here to start a new life. Also, he told me that his ex is a horrible, tyrannical, abusive woman with significant mental health problems, that she often experiences bouts of rage and insanity and that he married her simply out of pity. My boyfriend’s brother described the ex as ‘Oh my God, she is so so so crazy.’

Alright,  I believed all this. However, after a while I noticed that my boyfriend would often have missed calls and receive loads of messages from a woman. I did some snooping and realized that the woman is his ex. Later, when staying in his room all day long, I saw he was talking to her via messenger (I recognized her face as she has her portrait as a profile pic). He told me it was his childhood friend and asked me to keep quiet. This happened a few more times, so one day I secretly started recording… and then sent some conversations to my friends who are from the same country as him but who he doesn’t know. My friends have told me that my boyfriend is not divorced and is not going to, that he still loves his wife and is making future plans with her, also, that she is actually quite abusive verbally, but he is very afraid of her and is always acting on her orders-whatever she demands! 

I am really confused as I really was thinking he’s free and single! Also, this is not a classic situation where a ‘mistress’ is being hidden in hotels, I have actually met his family. These are the questions that I keep asking repeatedly in my head:

1.How is he not afraid to cheat so openly? I haven’t just met his family, I’ve met many of his friends, colleagues, acquaintances… somebody can easily inform the wife I suppose?

2. Why is he not divorcing her as she is really abusive which is clear from those secretly recorded conversations? He has told me many times what a crappy partner she is and what a jewel I am in comparison with her, yet if she washed her feet and asked him to drink the water, he would probably do it! Why is he so spineless?

3.Why are his family members doing nothing? They could force him to choose between the two women or forbid him to take me to their house for example. Instead they help him hide the fact that he is dating me (on several occasions, when us two were out somewhere, they told the wife that he was working overtime). They know that he frequently sends her money or gifts or postcards... but they act like nothing is happening! And on top of that, they trash and criticize her as well! 

4. As his brother is quite a bit older, he has friends who are also older and pretty conservative. I met those people during family parties, and they would usually ignore me and refuse to even say ‘hi’ to me. Now I understand why… but why couldn’t they inform me that my boyfriend is actually married and still very much together with his wife? Whisper to my ear, or send an anonymous letter or a message? Or maybe they believe that I know the situation and accept it as it is? 

5. What is this all about? My boyfriend and his family are not from a culture where cheating or polygamy is acceptable, they are Europeans and devout Christians, often going to church. So why is that? By the way, when I still didn't know he is not divorced, he mentioned that he would like to buy 'our dream home together with me.' How can he plan this when still married to her? Maybe he is actually planning to swindle me sometime later? 

I would be happy if someone could provide some clarity, as my head is all over the place now... I really believed he is divorced already just because I know his family. 

He is not just a cheat, he is publicly humiliating you.
He seems to have a long and complex relationship with his wife and you are never going to  get in the middle of that
In answer to your questions

1- Because he can. 
2- Because for whatever reason, he does not wish to cut ties with her
3- It is not up to his family to force him to make a decision. You are expecting way too much there!
4 -Because they are on his 'side' ie co-conspirators  HE is their family and friend, you are an outsider who is being humiliated
5- He is a liar through and through and you will never know what he was planning long term

No one can provide you with clarity except him, but he will NEVER be honest even if you have confronted him. 

Like a great man once said ' “You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move on''

You need to take this advice and move on - sometimes we never get answers, but this person is a bad lying man.  if you have not already, walk away.  

izawa

Just talk to his wife

TuppenceWorth

Dear OP

Listen carefully..

Seems you are still contemplating this "relationship" despite the lies, deceit and gigantic red flags.

This probably says more about you than the boyfriend. Please work out why you are refusing to respect yourself.

Move on. Surround yourself with good friends and family and LISTEN to them.

Focus on yourself and only then think about meeting someone else.

Best wishes 

diystarter7

ConfuseddMe said:s letter or a message? Or maybe they believe that I know the situation and accept it as it is? 

My boyfriend and his family are not from a culture where cheating or polygamy is acceptable, they are Europeans and devout Christians, often going to church. So why is that? 

I would be happy if someone could provide some clarity, as my head is all over the place now... I really believed he is divorced already just because I know his family. 

From your long post, the bit above. This takes me back to a place I worked at and a small group of British 'devout Christians.'
When some of them did what they believed was a good turn they would often state it was because of their "religion." To me and the others it was nothing to do with religion but common sense and a good nature.

You don't need me or the others to tell you to run and don't look back, I believe you know it yourself.

I know of people who have been cheated on and seen them cry, depressed, lose their job, dignity etc. Then as time goes on they find someone else and you would have thought they'd be the last ones to cheat but OH NO.  This just shows ANYONE can cheat and ANYONE can lie, etc, etc regardless of their religion, race, colour, sexual orientation and so on.

You don't need this, no one does.