I am dating a married man-now what?

ConfuseddMe

Hello,

I will try to write about my situation as clearly as possible… so it will be long… my boyfriend is from an EU country, we have been dating for 5 months now. His brother has been here in the UK for a long time with his wife and teenage son, they have a house, my boyfriend lives with them. When I first went out with my boyfriend, he informed me he had recently got divorced and came here to start a new life. Also, he told me that his ex is a horrible, tyrannical, abusive woman with significant mental health problems, that she often experiences bouts of rage and insanity and that he married her simply out of pity. My boyfriend’s brother described the ex as ‘Oh my God, she is so so so crazy.’

Alright,  I believed all this. However, after a while I noticed that my boyfriend would often have missed calls and receive loads of messages from a woman. I did some snooping and realized that the woman is his ex. Later, when staying in his room all day long, I saw he was talking to her via messenger (I recognized her face as she has her portrait as a profile pic). He told me it was his childhood friend and asked me to keep quiet. This happened a few more times, so one day I secretly started recording… and then sent some conversations to my friends who are from the same country as him but who he doesn’t know. My friends have told me that my boyfriend is not divorced and is not going to, that he still loves his wife and is making future plans with her, also, that she is actually quite abusive verbally, but he is very afraid of her and is always acting on her orders-whatever she demands! 

I am really confused as I really was thinking he’s free and single! Also, this is not a classic situation where a ‘mistress’ is being hidden in hotels, I have actually met his family. These are the questions that I keep asking repeatedly in my head:

1.How is he not afraid to cheat so openly? I haven’t just met his family, I’ve met many of his friends, colleagues, acquaintances… somebody can easily inform the wife I suppose?

2. Why is he not divorcing her as she is really abusive which is clear from those secretly recorded conversations? He has told me many times what a crappy partner she is and what a jewel I am in comparison with her, yet if she washed her feet and asked him to drink the water, he would probably do it! Why is he so spineless?

3.Why are his family members doing nothing? They could force him to choose between the two women or forbid him to take me to their house for example. Instead they help him hide the fact that he is dating me (on several occasions, when us two were out somewhere, they told the wife that he was working overtime). They know that he frequently sends her money or gifts or postcards... but they act like nothing is happening! And on top of that, they trash and criticize her as well! 

4. As his brother is quite a bit older, he has friends who are also older and pretty conservative. I met those people during family parties, and they would usually ignore me and refuse to even say ‘hi’ to me. Now I understand why… but why couldn’t they inform me that my boyfriend is actually married and still very much together with his wife? Whisper to my ear, or send an anonymous letter or a message? Or maybe they believe that I know the situation and accept it as it is? 

5. What is this all about? My boyfriend and his family are not from a culture where cheating or polygamy is acceptable, they are Europeans and devout Christians, often going to church. So why is that? By the way, when I still didn't know he is not divorced, he mentioned that he would like to buy 'our dream home together with me.' How can he plan this when still married to her? Maybe he is actually planning to swindle me sometime later? 

I would be happy if someone could provide some clarity, as my head is all over the place now... I really believed he is divorced already just because I know his family. 

london21

ConfuseddMe said:

Hello,

I will try to write about my situation as clearly as possible… so it will be long… my boyfriend is from an EU country, we have been dating for 5 months now. His brother has been here in the UK for a long time with his wife and teenage son, they have a house, my boyfriend lives with them. When I first went out with my boyfriend, he informed me he had recently got divorced and came here to start a new life. Also, he told me that his ex is a horrible, tyrannical, abusive woman with significant mental health problems, that she often experiences bouts of rage and insanity and that he married her simply out of pity. My boyfriend’s brother described the ex as ‘Oh my God, she is so so so crazy.’

Alright,  I believed all this. However, after a while I noticed that my boyfriend would often have missed calls and receive loads of messages from a woman. I did some snooping and realized that the woman is his ex. Later, when staying in his room all day long, I saw he was talking to her via messenger (I recognized her face as she has her portrait as a profile pic). He told me it was his childhood friend and asked me to keep quiet. This happened a few more times, so one day I secretly started recording… and then sent some conversations to my friends who are from the same country as him but who he doesn’t know. My friends have told me that my boyfriend is not divorced and is not going to, that he still loves his wife and is making future plans with her, also, that she is actually quite abusive verbally, but he is very afraid of her and is always acting on her orders-whatever she demands! 

I am really confused as I really was thinking he’s free and single! Also, this is not a classic situation where a ‘mistress’ is being hidden in hotels, I have actually met his family. These are the questions that I keep asking repeatedly in my head:

1.How is he not afraid to cheat so openly? I haven’t just met his family, I’ve met many of his friends, colleagues, acquaintances… somebody can easily inform the wife I suppose?

2. Why is he not divorcing her as she is really abusive which is clear from those secretly recorded conversations? He has told me many times what a crappy partner she is and what a jewel I am in comparison with her, yet if she washed her feet and asked him to drink the water, he would probably do it! Why is he so spineless?

3.Why are his family members doing nothing? They could force him to choose between the two women or forbid him to take me to their house for example. Instead they help him hide the fact that he is dating me (on several occasions, when us two were out somewhere, they told the wife that he was working overtime). They know that he frequently sends her money or gifts or postcards... but they act like nothing is happening! And on top of that, they trash and criticize her as well! 

4. As his brother is quite a bit older, he has friends who are also older and pretty conservative. I met those people during family parties, and they would usually ignore me and refuse to even say ‘hi’ to me. Now I understand why… but why couldn’t they inform me that my boyfriend is actually married and still very much together with his wife? Whisper to my ear, or send an anonymous letter or a message? Or maybe they believe that I know the situation and accept it as it is? 

5. What is this all about? My boyfriend and his family are not from a culture where cheating or polygamy is acceptable, they are Europeans and devout Christians, often going to church. So why is that? By the way, when I still didn't know he is not divorced, he mentioned that he would like to buy 'our dream home together with me.' How can he plan this when still married to her? Maybe he is actually planning to swindle me sometime later? 

I would be happy if someone could provide some clarity, as my head is all over the place now... I really believed he is divorced already just because I know his family. 

He needs to divorce her if he wants to be with you.
Can you really trust him if he says he is divorced but isn't?
Only he can answer those questions as his intentions don't seem right.

With what you know now, only you can decide on the way forward. 

Ms_Chocaholic

He's got some neck, speaking to his (ex) wife in the room while you were there and you say this has happened several times.  I wouldn't waste any more of your time on him, sorry.

DrDorset

Didn't read all your post, got to where he said he was divorced when clearly he isn't. 

Liar. Move on, hopefully he will learn his lesson. 

tealady

Even if he did get divorced I would keep in mind the saying " when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy".
Dump him, lifes too short.

74jax

I don't know why our answers to your questions are what you want? Why don't you ask him and his family? 

Martin_the_Unjust

Now what? Stop dating a married man, that’s what.

Its not rocket science, he’s using you, he’s using his wife.

Pollycat

He's lied to you.
His family and friends have lied to you.

Put on your Nikes and run for the hills.
Fast.
Very fast.

NCC1701-A

ConfuseddMe said:

Hello,

I will try to write about my situation as clearly as possible… so it will be long… my boyfriend is from an EU country, we have been dating for 5 months now. His brother has been here in the UK for a long time with his wife and teenage son, they have a house, my boyfriend lives with them. When I first went out with my boyfriend, he informed me he had recently got divorced and came here to start a new life. Also, he told me that his ex is a horrible, tyrannical, abusive woman with significant mental health problems, that she often experiences bouts of rage and insanity and that he married her simply out of pity. My boyfriend’s brother described the ex as ‘Oh my God, she is so so so crazy.’

Alright,  I believed all this. However, after a while I noticed that my boyfriend would often have missed calls and receive loads of messages from a woman. I did some snooping and realized that the woman is his ex. Later, when staying in his room all day long, I saw he was talking to her via messenger (I recognized her face as she has her portrait as a profile pic). He told me it was his childhood friend and asked me to keep quiet. This happened a few more times, so one day I secretly started recording… and then sent some conversations to my friends who are from the same country as him but who he doesn’t know. My friends have told me that my boyfriend is not divorced and is not going to, that he still loves his wife and is making future plans with her, also, that she is actually quite abusive verbally, but he is very afraid of her and is always acting on her orders-whatever she demands! 

I am really confused as I really was thinking he’s free and single! Also, this is not a classic situation where a ‘mistress’ is being hidden in hotels, I have actually met his family. These are the questions that I keep asking repeatedly in my head:

1.How is he not afraid to cheat so openly? I haven’t just met his family, I’ve met many of his friends, colleagues, acquaintances… somebody can easily inform the wife I suppose?

2. Why is he not divorcing her as she is really abusive which is clear from those secretly recorded conversations? He has told me many times what a crappy partner she is and what a jewel I am in comparison with her, yet if she washed her feet and asked him to drink the water, he would probably do it! Why is he so spineless?

3.Why are his family members doing nothing? They could force him to choose between the two women or forbid him to take me to their house for example. Instead they help him hide the fact that he is dating me (on several occasions, when us two were out somewhere, they told the wife that he was working overtime). They know that he frequently sends her money or gifts or postcards... but they act like nothing is happening! And on top of that, they trash and criticize her as well! 

4. As his brother is quite a bit older, he has friends who are also older and pretty conservative. I met those people during family parties, and they would usually ignore me and refuse to even say ‘hi’ to me. Now I understand why… but why couldn’t they inform me that my boyfriend is actually married and still very much together with his wife? Whisper to my ear, or send an anonymous letter or a message? Or maybe they believe that I know the situation and accept it as it is? 

5. What is this all about? My boyfriend and his family are not from a culture where cheating or polygamy is acceptable, they are Europeans and devout Christians, often going to church. So why is that? By the way, when I still didn't know he is not divorced, he mentioned that he would like to buy 'our dream home together with me.' How can he plan this when still married to her? Maybe he is actually planning to swindle me sometime later? 

I would be happy if someone could provide some clarity, as my head is all over the place now... I really believed he is divorced already just because I know his family. 

Is he dating you out of pity too? Seriously, if this is how he approached marriage he has no concept of what a relationship is. Just walk away and find someone deserving of you.

elsien

Devout Christians can be duplicitous as anyone else. Look at the number of priests who’ve had women and families on the side. 

Which ever one of you he’s lying to, he’s still lying. Life changing lies. Having said that, your secret recordings haven’t covered you in glory either. 

Your call what level of mistrust between you you are willing to put up with. I’d be tempted to play them back in front of his and his family then get an explanation. 

Jude57

I have a feeling his wife (she's not his ex, they are still married) speaks to him badly because she's aware that he's a liar. Goodness knows what tale he's spinning her. It's worth noting that when a married person claims their spouse is mentally ill or abusive, you're only getting their version and often that version makes them the injured party so as to gain sympathy. Despite what his brother says, you've only got the liar's word for what the real situation is, and we've established he's a liar. As for his brother, of course he's going to back the liar up, even if he knows the wife isn't as bad as the liar paints her.

This man is a liar and if he'll do this to his wife, he'll do it to you. If he'll cheat WITH you, he'll cheat ON you.