Divorce agreement

LeeHarry

Will keep it brief but I need some advice. Will spare all the details but I left my wife and family home in May. I've been dating someone recently, she's been dating my work mate. We agreed that everything would be amicable particularly with two young children involved, was happy to agree to a financial agreement between ourselves and deal with divorce in the new year because she was struggling mentally. However, things have gone rather sour and she has filed for divorce herself and got her solicitor involved. 
We spoke last night and after consulting her solicitor she's come back to me to say that I either give up my share of £90k equity in the house or she'll take half of my pension. Can she do this? I don't have the funds to fight her with my own solicitor and how will I ever get back in the property ladder if I'm renting and walk away with nothing? I'm left with very little every month. 

MEM62

LeeHarry said:

We spoke last night and after consulting her solicitor she's come back to me to say that I either give up my share of £90k equity in the house or she'll take half of my pension. Can she do this? 

Of course she can.  It is not your pension, it is a shared asset - as is the house.

LeeHarry said:

I don't have the funds to fight her with my own solicitor 

You risk being financially taken to the cleaners if you do not have legal representation.  How is your wife financing her legal team?

LeeHarry said:

and how will I ever get back in the property ladder if I'm renting and walk away with nothing? 

You need to accept two things.  Firstly and most importantly, if you cannot get this back on an amicable footing you will both end up coming out of this with far less financially as you would have both spent a fortune on lawyers.  A mistake almost all going through divorce make because they cannot separate reality from the emotional.  Secondly, you will have to adjust your expectations as to what you give and take in the settlement.  Things like houses, pensions and even cars and debts etc are not yours or hers - they are joint assets which will be split between you.  And if you wife is the primary carer for the children you are likely to come out of this with significantly less than 50%. 

It's time to lawyer up and get some proper advice.   

LeeHarry

Thank you for your reply. 

It just feels like blackmail and she's gone back on her word. Originally she said she would see if she could borrow to buy me out of the house which obviously I was happy with, also we wouldn't touch each others pensions.

I just feel that I deserve a future too, I've worked damn hard doing shifts and to walk away with absolutely nothing feels very unfair when I'd say 80% of the house and contents were funded by me. Doesn't work like that in a marriage and I've never viewed it like that, but it is a fact. 

Her solicitor is a perk of her job apparently so it seems like unlimited funds. I can't compete with that. 

However, I have my children one night a week to sleep over, she is currently denying me any longer. 

comeandgo

Is your pension value a lot more than hers?  All assets are valued and then a split is decided.  When a solicitor is involved they have to advise their client as to what they can legally get.  You need a solicitor too to fight your corner but there are no winners in divorce.

LeeHarry

comeandgo said:

Is your pension value a lot more than hers?  All assets are valued and then a split is decided.  When a solicitor is involved they have to advise their client as to what they can legally get.  You need a solicitor too to fight your corner but there are no winners in divorce.

Hers will be significantly less than mine. Will it be future pensions contributions too or just while we were married? She also states that I will have to agree to not claiming any of her future inheritance because her parents are elderly, yet she can still claim anything coming my way. 

comeandgo

It’s not future pension, it’s the value at divorce, unless you are in Scotland when it’s the value at separation.  You need a solicitor, see if you can get one to give half an hour free to give you an idea of costs and what you are likely to give up.  

LeeHarry

comeandgo said:

It’s not future pension, it’s the value at divorce, unless you are in Scotland when it’s the value at separation.  You need a solicitor, see if you can get one to give half an hour free to give you an idea of costs and what you are likely to give up.  

Thank you, I have had a brilliant solicitor recommended to me. I guess it'll be more beneficial in the long run to fight it rather than have everything taken from me.
I didn't want this, I wanted to be amicable and to maintain a healthy relationship for the children but she's made that impossible unfortunately. 

TBagpuss

LeeHarry said:

Thank you for your reply. 

It just feels like blackmail and she's gone back on her word. Originally she said she would see if she could borrow to buy me out of the house which obviously I was happy with, also we wouldn't touch each others pensions.

I just feel that I deserve a future too, I've worked damn hard doing shifts and to walk away with absolutely nothing feels very unfair when I'd say 80% of the house and contents were funded by me. Doesn't work like that in a marriage and I've never viewed it like that, but it is a fact. 

Her solicitor is a perk of her job apparently so it seems like unlimited funds. I can't compete with that. 

However, I have my children one night a week to sleep over, she is currently denying me any longer. 

It's much easier said than done, but try to take a step back from the strong emotional feelings.

It's entirely fair to look at all of the assets. If the house were to be split but you kept your full pension, that would be very unfair to her, as it would leave you much better off. 

The starting point is an assumption you've each contributed equally. You may well have paid for 80% of the mortgage, but she was freeing you up to work and earn the money to do that, y looking after the children .

It doesn't have to be all or nothing, and you need to know what everything is worth  - your pension, her pension and the house, before you decide anything.

However, once you do know, you could think of options such as:

1. You split the house and the pensions equally - this gives you both money for a deposit, and both some security in the future. Downsides - it may mean that neither of you can afford to stay in the house, and this may be disruptive for the children.
2. She keeps the house and you keep your pensions. Assuming that she can get a mortgage large enough to get your name off the mortgage, this option has the benefit of security and stability for the children, you won't be able to buy immediately but will be able to get a new mortgage once you have saved up deposit.
3. Your split them unequally - for instance, on the basis that you get a small lump sum you can use as a deposit, but keep a larger share of the pension, so over all the split is fair, but you each get what you want (her, staying in the house, you having enough to be able to start over ) 

Bear in mind that the court's powers include allowing one of you to stay in the house and to pay put a lump sum at a later date, if the judge considers that that is the best way to be fair to you both and ensure  the needs of the children are met.

The issue about how often you children stay overnight with you is separate from the finances. Assuming that you have suitable accommodation for them, and are available to look after them, then there is no reason you can't push for more time - alternate weekend, with you collecting them from school on Friday and returning them either on Sunday evening or to school on Monday, for example . It's reasonable to look at why she is unwilling for them to have more time and whether her concerns or reasons are valid, and what you can do to address them if do. 

CottonTail

Wow you really are green going into this arent you.

Glad you have got a solicitor involved as you will need to understand the complexities of what's affected.

Sadly your quality of life may now be much lower than when you are married and that may ever recover. You will need t adjust and accept that. Its not the end of the world, its just a different standard of living possibly.

Advice going forward.....work work work after financial separation to help in the short term and  think very carefully about getting married again!

MEM62

LeeHarry said:

comeandgo said:

Is your pension value a lot more than hers?  All assets are valued and then a split is decided.  When a solicitor is involved they have to advise their client as to what they can legally get.  You need a solicitor too to fight your corner but there are no winners in divorce.

She also states that I will have to agree to not claiming any of her future inheritance because her parents are elderly, yet she can still claim anything coming my way. 

That will not be true.  She is trying to put you on the back foot.  Take whatever she is saying with a pinch of salt unless confirmed by your lawyer.  I might even consider a limitless legal fund to be unlikely also and perhaps this has been muted in order to make you feel that your situation is futile.  This is not true.  Some bluff calling will be called for on your part.  

Keep_pedalling

How old are you, and how does your pension stack up with hers? 

If you are quite young with many years to build up your pension then losing 1/2 of what you have currently built up might not be too big a hit on your final pension.

Not as simple as that of cause, if a court makes the the financial split they will take all the matrimonial assets into account, so if you each have pensions of equal value they are unlikely to split them. Future inheritances will never be taken into account.