Struggling with illness diagnosis and lost confidence

savvymum1

Hi, 
I'm 31 and a mum to two wonderful boys who I adore. I used to run my own successful dog walking and training business till last year when I became very ill. I eventually got diagnosed with a auto immune disease and arthritis so I have had to give up work completely. I'm really struggling with the idea I can no longer work and am suffering from anxiety over this too. I'm struggling to see the value in my life and what I can contribute to my my family. We don't struggle financially and have no debt apart from our mortgage. My husband says he doesn't mind that I can no longer work (I've had to give up my driving licence too) and is happy for me to stay home but I just feel so guilty for him having to be the sole breadwinner and I'm scared he'll resent me and get frustrated, I so want my family to be proud of me. My mum quit work when I was born and we all adore her so I'm not sure why I'm struggling with this so much. Can anyone please give me advice and your experiences? How can I still add value to my life and make them proud and give them the best? Thank you for listening to me it means so much. 

tacpot12

Your situation sound tough, and I don't have an experience of having to battle through something that hard, but I do think that you own example of your Mother is very relevant. I'm sure you all adore her because she loved you and cared for you, not just is practical ways, but because she was emotionally supportive of you. This is still something you can do; be supportive of your boys and your husband.

Your husband would probably have to have worked even if you were working, so I expect he accepted long ago that he will be working until some far off retirement age. Your diagnosis hasn't really changed that for him. What will matter to him is that when he comes home from work, his wife will love him for his labour and commitment to the family. That she will listen to him gripe about his days when they have been bad, and celebrate his successes and acheivements when he has them. 

This may seem an odd point, but as someone who regularly sees questions on MSE asking for advice for couples who are separting, I would make the point that the UK Divorce Courts see a person's contribution to building a marriage (and a family) as being much more that what they contribute financially. They see the time nurturing the spouse and the children, the time spent in the home, as equally valuable. I would encourage you to try to do the same - I know you are trying, otherwise you would not have posted here - but I appreciate it will be very tough, and you will need support from your sons and your husband at least as much as they need it from you. Don't worry about this, it is the stuff of life. Both giving and receiving love makes us stonger emotionally.  

Savvy_Sue

I can only echo tacpot's post.

I'd add to it that you might really benefit from some talking therapy: either formal counselling, or a helpline or support group for those with your illness(es). 

DiamondLil

I can't think of any paid employment more important than raising the next generation. You say your husband doesn't mind that you don't work... but you do work; you are the mother of his children and, I presume because you don't do paid work outside the home, his housekeeper / home maker. Please don't underestimate your worth in these roles nor, indeed, in any other part of your life.

74jax

savvymum1 said:

Hi, 
I'm 31 and a mum to two wonderful boys who I adore. I used to run my own successful dog walking and training business till last year when I became very ill. I eventually got diagnosed with a auto immune disease and arthritis so I have had to give up work completely. I'm really struggling with the idea I can no longer work and am suffering from anxiety over this too. I'm struggling to see the value in my life and what I can contribute to my my family. We don't struggle financially and have no debt apart from our mortgage. My husband says he doesn't mind that I can no longer work (I've had to give up my driving licence too) and is happy for me to stay home but I just feel so guilty for him having to be the sole breadwinner and I'm scared he'll resent me and get frustrated, I so want my family to be proud of me. My mum quit work when I was born and we all adore her so I'm not sure why I'm struggling with this so much. Can anyone please give me advice and your experiences? How can I still add value to my life and make them proud and give them the best? Thank you for listening to me it means so much. 

I stopped working last year, my husband didn't think I'd take to 'playing house', but omg I love it. I was always the career b"tch, but now I learnt how to bake, he has his lunches made, dinner on the table, I put the bins out, the garden has been transformed (slowly though as I've been in and out of hospital) and he said he feels the 'house' just runs smother. I open all mail, deal with our other property issues, everything that was a hassle before, is now my daily chores. 

You have the relationship where you can speak with your husband, don't lose that. Don't build this to be something bigger than it is, talk to him. When he says he respects what you do, believe him.

Take out day by day, week by week, and don't look too much in the future, at the moment things are changing so much anyway so just concentrate on the coming week. 

Is there something you could do at home to keep your brain ticking over if you're used to running businesses etc? Could you blog to help others in your situ? I started volunteering (which I appreciate might be difficult for you) for a few hours and I felt 'useful' in a different way. 

kimwp

Can you do work (paid or voluntary) from home?

I echo what the others have said though, there is more to bring to a relationship and family than money. It's good that you are talking to your husband about how you are feeling, at some point though, you have to accept that he feels how he says he feels. Think of it the other way round - if he couldn't work, but did what he could, would you resent him?

TBagpuss

I'm sorry, it must be very hard. 

It would be worth speaking to your GP as you might benefit from support through talking therapies and/or anti-depressants or other treatment for the anxiety - mental health is as important and physical and it's just as appropriate to seek medical help if need be.
Dealing with physical disabilities and the loss of your likelihood and independence are huge things to cope with -  and it's Ok to look for help rather than trying to stick it out alone.  Also, if you are prescribed any medications for the physical illnesses it's worth asking whether they may be affecting your mood / mental health - it's possible that some of what you are feeling is a side effect of medication you are on and that adjusting that could help a lot (or even that the conditions themselves may affect things such as hormone balance which could affect how you feel mentally)  I am not in any way medically qualified but it is definitely worth talking to someone who is.

It may help to frame some of this as your having suffered losses - you have lost the healthy you, and the life you had and expected to have. It's reasonable to need time to grieve and to adjust.

Moving forward, remind yourself that your family gets to have you around, and to have you as healthy as you can be, not exhausted by work. While you may not be able to do everything you would like to, don't under estimate the benefits for your family of you dimply being there , available to your  family. 

In the medium to long term you may be able to find thins you can do - for instance, might you be able to do non-physical work ? Maybe offering online coaching / support for people looking to train their dogs,  or even  starting an advice blog (it could be valuable even if it is not paid work to start with, if it allows you to share your expertise.  You don't need to be in paid work to be valuable and  needed, but if you personally want to be able to work, one positive of the pandemic is that a lot more organisations are much more open to people working remotely, and you might be able to look into options for part time work (perhaps on a freelance basis, or doing work which doesn't have hard deadlines so you can manage your own time depending on how well you are.

 

Waylaid

This is such a difficult thing to go through, and I speak from experience. An injury and failed surgery left me too disabled to work at 33yo, and 13y later I still sometimes struggle with these feelings. I don't have a family, but I have a partner, friends, housemates...

Our culture puts work above all else in many ways, and often treats those who can't work as worthless, or worse, as liars. It takes a lot to change those beliefs in your own head.


In addition, you, like me, loved your work. Being forced to stop is a huge loss, and grieving that loss is totally reasonable!

Grieving your independence (income, being able to do things by yourself, small things like walking somewhere...) is also perfectly reasonable.

The power balances in your relationships have/will change, and some relationships won't survive that. Some friends will drift away. Some people will doubt your illness (medical, family, etc.), and that is very hard. Your husband sounds supportive, and you sound like your family is financially stable, which is lucky. Keep talking to hubby about how you both feel - deal with this together. 

Know this: You have value outside of your ability to work. You are a unique human being, with thoughts, emotions, history that nobody else has. What you can do for others is a bonus. People love you for who you are. You need to get there too.

Also, don't devalue what you contribute. Emotional and verbal support is huge. Time with your kids, however limited, is huge. Advice (online or in person, to many or a few) is useful. Don't rush into finding ways to contribute, though. You're grieving your old self, and that takes time. 

A counsellor and online forums helped me. This is a major life change. Cut yourself some slack. You deserve it.

sarahsays

I'm sorry you're experiencing this at such a young age - we often tie in our self-worth with what we do for a living or our financial contribution but you are so much more than that. I'm sure your husband didn't fall in love with you for the job that you did or how much you had in the bank, likewise, these are things that won't even register with your children, your friends, your wider family. They love you for you, your personality and your spirit, and obviously just enjoy spending time with you. You've got to learn to value yourself as they do.

In practical terms, if you are unable to work through illness you should be entitled to Personal Independence Payment or PIP, you may also be entitled to Contribution Based Unemployment and Support Allowance on top of that - your husband's wages will not be taken into consideration for PIP at the very least and don't think it will be for the other either. By claiming these, you can feel that you are contributing financially to your family - go to a local Advice Centre to find out your entitlements.

Please don't see these as handouts, as you have paid into the system in good times so you can avail of these in bad times - remember, your husband is still making contributions too. It may give your confidence a much needed boost if you are able to contribute something financially in this way.

When we become ill we have to realise that none of us are superwoman, and some things may now have to be prioritised - our relationships with our partner and children, for example, are much more important than having an immaculate home or having work outside the home. We also have times when we have to prioritise ourselves and our own health and let others know that we need a little help or 'me' time.

You can maybe find things that you can do with the boys that are not too strenuous on you but where they can still enjoy spending time with you - and that are not too expensive also. My go to's were the library, the matinee at the cinema, the park - where I could just sit on a bench and supervise, provide snacks etc, give the odd push to a swing, chat to other mums etc, or the swimming pool - if you feel up to this.

Mine loved spending time at the library, reading books, choosing others to take home, along with renting dvds, and they loved the time I spent reading to them at night - (just one more story!), or watching dvds with them - all things you can hopefully still do, even with your illness.

I know it's harder to get out and about if you aren't able to drive any more, but if your husband is able to drive you to the library or the park etc and pick you up again, he is getting some me time (say two hours?) and also helping you become more independent. 

You also can spend time at home, helping with homework, colouring in and doing art together.

Remember, as their mum, you are the most important person in your boys' lives and, if you are too ill to do anything else, just being there to ask about their day and give them advice is so so important to them. Like any illness, you will probably have good days and bad days - don't beat yourself up about it - just enjoy the good when it comes.

MrsPepperpot

There is a charity that is specifically dedicated to your condition:
https://www.wrenproject.org
They may be able to give you the support that you need.

bit_by_bit

I can only echo what has been said above and can add this:

In my thirties I nearly got medically retired because my back went. When I looked around at what else I might do I really couldn't think of anything I would enjoy (I was a nurse). I did manage to get back to work after a fight but realised I had no plan B. What would happen if it happened again. I also had no savings and had to rely on DH financially once I was on Stat Sick Pay. I also felt I wasn't going to have any worth apart from a mother and housewife. 

In the time between that (aged33) and aged 50 (when I had cancer) I learnt because the bad back never went away. Then I had chemotherapy.

I learnt the fine art of pacing: e.g. if I do a lot today I do the basics tomorrow and the day after. Break down jobs to do in small 5 minute, 10 minute lots like the garden or taking a few items of washing out at a time to the line. Each time an achievement. I even kept an achievement diary: first entry was make a cup of tea.

I needed improved health which I did bit by bit after chemo. I can tell you and you would understand that walking up the garden path was enough to knock me out for the day. Improving my walking distance (and I mean by adding lamposts to my distance vevery week) No by the mile, by the meter.

I wrote out what I wanted from life, emergency fund, freedom to do what I want, spend more time with children family and friends. I realised that I had everything I needed in the short term: Loving husband, kids to nurture and friends. I wrote out my feelings and grief about losing this part of who I am/was.

Now at 55 I still struggle with energy levels and strength but I tell myself its ok. I am not lazy and not useless. Its not your fault and you can only do what you can do each day.

To be honest your energies will be around your house, kids, and DH until you adapt and discover the silver linings like:

Offers of help family friends.  You can have them over for coffee and they can take you out for coffee.or lunch. They will come if you ask them. Enjoy.

Other things may to find local craft groups to join, there is one around the corner from me. Do voluntary work which may mean knitting hats for babies in intensive care to joining online activist groups like craftivism because along with the loss of work is the loss of social contact. 

You may still be able to use your skills in an advisory capacity or by writing a booklet/book to sell online and have abit of financial independence.

Finally there is so much support and places on this forum to talk about all the things you are struggling with. 

Best wishes on this new unexpected journey in your life.