Money Moral Dilemma: Should we split bills equally if my husband has higher outgoings?

ginger_chocolate

I don't think there is a definitive right and wrong answer to this, only an answer that you, as a couple, can live with without resenting each other and feeling either guilty or hard done by. Hearing what other people do is useful for finding out possible options, but none of those options are intrinsically morally 'correct'.

My partner and I have both individual accounts into which our salaries are paid, and a joint account, into which we both transfer money on payday. When we bought a home together we had a discussion and drew up a list of expenses we agreed were 'joint' and would be paid from the joint account, and made an estimate on how much we'd each have to pay in each month to cover them comfortably - I currently pay slightly more monthly because his contribution to the mortgage deposit was much higher and I am happy to do so.  Everything left in our personal accounts after the joint expenses are covered is what we have to cover our 'personal expenses' - IE stuff that's nothing to do with the other person. Personally I'd put the child from a previous marriage firmly in the 'personal expenses' category - unless I am actively involved in that child's life, it's nothing to do with me - I suspect my OH would agree. But, if you both agree it should come under joint expenses, then that's what you should do. Just have the conversation and work it out for yourselves.

Pixiekazza

It's hard to comment without knowing circumstances. If both of them have full time jobs, then bills paid equally, cash in a pot for hols/joint savings, childcare/whatever, then what's left after is yours to do with as you wish. You've earned it. Partner with previous relationship child pays for their child. If one partner works part time then that's another situation. 
I don't see why I should spend my partner's money - if I want more then I need to get off my bum and earn more! 

Mrsgooboo

So let’s change this about, you have a baby and your maternity pay is cut in half or you choose to return part time. Do you expect to carry on paying your share of the bills?
you got married knowing he had a child he had to provide for. Add this expense to your bills and share it equally. You’re in a relationship not a house share!

Ringo90

LameWolf said:

We've always kept our money separate, both of us having been screwed to the wall financially by our respective Exes due to having joint accounts. It worked very much in our favour when his Ex tried to extract more money from him because she'd overspent (again) and was in debt. At the time my husband was out of work and on JSA, so we were effectively relying on my disability money to make ends meet. If we'd had all our money in one pot, it would have been a lot harder to tell her to go and do one; but because my husband didn't know what my actual income was, he was able to fend off her moneygrubbing hands.

And no, I wouldn't be prepared to subsidise someone else's child, had the situation arisen.

THIS. Thanks. People, marriages can end nowadays. We never know what an ex is capable of doing out of rage and disappointment over it. People can marry, love each other and be together to the end of their days but they're still individuals, and just as it's in their right to still keep an amount of privacy, some time for themselves alone etc., it makes sense to keep SOME of the money separate.
If I had a child from a previous marriage, or if a member of my family needed financial support, or again if my elderly parents needed a carer, I wouldn't expect my partner or wife to chip in my family business unless I was also going broke to support them or unless they really insisted to (i.e. "Your sister has done so much for me, I feel like I owe her this").

Mrsgooboo said:

So let’s change this about, you have a baby and your maternity pay is cut in half or you choose to return part time. Do you expect to carry on paying your share of the bills?
you got married knowing he had a child he had to provide for. Add this expense to your bills and share it equally. You’re in a relationship not a house share!

I would say there is a difference between agreeing on a pregnancy with your husband and subsequently discuss how to handle it from a financial point of view, BEFORE the pregnancy itself, and being responsible for your husband's decisions taken with his ex. Of course if me and my husband agree on having a child and I go on maternity leave he's supposed to give me a hand.

wilsob

We have no rules, no shared accounts for bills. We share the direct debits, but not evenly. We spend our own money when we can afford to, but no borrowing. We both save money in our own accounts. Large items like a new car are discussed, and we would both contribute, but not evenly. If necessary, our money is flexible with each other. We are in a partnership.

thedr

There is no obvious answer to this question. You should have discussed this before living together.  Communication is key in a relationship. 

meknowalot-51

It sounds as though he wants you to contribute more and you want to stick to the original agreement you both made before you got married.Should you put more in the pot to ease the financial pressure that he's in?I would like to know what your interpretasion of marriage is?.........If he won the lotto next week,would you expect to share it?Would you expect him to offer?

NowVillager

I wonder what your husband's views are? If I were in his position, I'd see the child support as my own responsibility and wouldn't ask you to subsidise me. I say split the bills equally.

pjcox2005

I would just say to be consistent, if you keep it as husband pays equal plus maintenance then don't expect different in future if salaries change, decide to retire early etc.

Personally all just goes in one pot and all expenses shared seems a lot easier.

NowVillager

Adrift said:

When people get married it's to become one unit, not separate individuals. It seems to me that people are now getting married but still living like they're not. It should no longer be my money and his money after marriage. It should be 'our' money as in one pot. I think people are completely missing the point of marriage. 

I'm sure there are many different kinds of successful marriages, but personally I feel uncomfortable with the 'two become one' idea as it comes from a time before the Married Women's Property Act when essentially they became the man - his name, his money, his property. Equality is important to many partnerships these days, and I also know women whose husbands cleared out their joint accounts when they ran off!