Money Moral Dilemma: Should we split bills equally if my husband has higher outgoings?

Barneysmom

Share the burden, share the joy, that's what being married is all about, it's a lifetime commitment.
There is no 'yours and mine' now, there is 'ours'.
When you married a man with a child that child became your stepson or daughter, and I hope you can build a happy relationship with him or her. 
 I think you should pool your earnings, pay everything including child maintenance as the child is now your family, then discuss what happens with what's left. 
 

rbtc_2019

How much time does the child spend at each house? How much care do they need? Is his ex working? Do you want your own child? What would happen if you were pregnant/new mum and on standard maternity pay? Have you discussed all this with him? 

Equal relationship goes beyond just financial. Yes you knew your partner had a cold and chose to come into that situation, but on paper don’t have the same responsibilities, though I can imagine you’ll take on parenting stuff and care for them. 

I don’t know your situation, but most step parents don’t have the same ‘rights’ as birth parents, and consequently don’t have the same responsibilities. If you want and the parents agree, you can apply for a Step Parent Responsibility Agreement.(on gov uk site)

If you want to pay more then do so, but it isn’t your financial responsibility.

Each situation is unique.

CapeTown

My husband has a child from his first marriage. Thankfully she is 18 next year and the payments stop. I used to earn a lot more money than my husband so I paid for virtually everything. However he now earns much more than me and I am still paying. Moral of the story is don't be a financial door mat like me. 

Adrift

When people get married it's to become one unit, not separate individuals. It seems to me that people are now getting married but still living like they're not. It should no longer be my money and his money after marriage. It should be 'our' money as in one pot. I think people are completely missing the point of marriage. 

honestcove

The statistics are that the failure rate of 2nd marriages is nearly twice that of first marriages. The old maxim of hope for the best but plan for the worst applies here, and especially so with finances. Support your partner certainly but not to the detriment of yourself should a split occur.

yorkiescot

Whatever happened to ''for better for worse, for richer for poorer''. I can only assume that some marriages are no longer based on trust and being together as a partnership. Surely as 2 people who are married to each other everything goes into a pot. The bills get paid and what's left is what's left?

mightbedave

We’re very unusual compared to friends in that we have always just shared all our money and put it in one big pot which we both take from to get whatever we need. When we were starting our careers it fluctuated who was earning more, and now my wife isn’t earning because she has a full time job looking after our three kids. The system still works exactly the same and I never feel like she is spending my money. It’s all our money. I think it helps that we started our relationship in a similar financial position (both poor students) and both have similar attitudes to spending money. 

KellyMarie4884

Adrift said:

When people get married it's to become one unit, not separate individuals. It seems to me that people are now getting married but still living like they're not. It should no longer be my money and his money after marriage. It should be 'our' money as in one pot. I think people are completely missing the point of marriage. 

I think there is more to marriage than where the money sits. My husband and I have separate accounts where our wages go into and then we put money into a joint account each month to cover household bills, food, dog costs, fuel etc. I have a lot more debt than he does and I also spend a lot more so I don't feel it would be fair for him to pay towards my debt. It works for us as I'm sure it does for other people without missing the point of marriage. 

In response to the original post, I would see it as that child is my step-child so in my scenario - it would come out of the joint account and be paid by both of us.  

squirrel59

So the responses you've got so far are roughly in two camps. One camp holds the 'finances should remain strictly separated and personal obligations are to be carried alone'. The other basically holds that 'you're in it together, rain or shine'. You decide which camp you see your relationship is in. Simples.

Katecooks

I guess you have to decide what sort of relationship you have and want. Surely marriage means equality and that means pooling your salaries and paying everything together (including his child maintenance which you knew about before you married him). He's your husband not your housemate in a house share. If you lost your job would he support you? Or would you have to live in the garden shed because you weren't contributing any money and therefore not entitled to use electricity. 'My money, your money' is a slippery slope and not one I'd choose. My uncle who grew tomatoes in his greenhouse used to charge my aunt the retail price for them out of 'housekeeping allowance'. It suited them and they were both happy with this arrangement -  I'd have told him where to stick his tomatoes!