Admitting my mistakes

EssexHebridean

For the avoidance of doubt, Stepchange is for anyone in debt - there is no requirement to be "on your own, with no-one to turn to" in any way. (Christians against poverty will also help anyone, regardless of their religious leanings). Similarly,  we need to be very careful about suggesting folk go googling for information about debt solutions - there are some full on scammers out there who will pounce like lightning if they spot someone vulnerable for whatever reason - you only have to look at the number of folk who end up paying for things like DMP's, to see that! 

@kazyg12 - I think this has already been said in this thread but just in case not - there is NO need to feel ashamed - you are far from the first person to get yourself in a mess financially and you certainly won't be the last. Accept that it's happened, remind yourself of all the reasons why you never want it to happen again, fix it, move on and learn from the experience. Oh, and teach your kids the art of budgeting - whether that is saving their pocket money for several weeks so they can buy a toy they want, or always putting some of that money aside for the future. when they are old enough sit down with them and explain how the household finances work, teach them about energy use - and the high costs involved - and how getting into debt always carries a cost - whether that is in hard cash or in emotional damage. 

kazyg12

All very true Mal thank you !thank you for the link.
Dont get me wrong he is helping and I knew he was going to have the anger from the lies. I know how hard this is for him as much as me. He has no idea why I couldn’t tell him. This is why he is struggling I just knew his reaction would be this it’s worse than having an affair because he’s always tried to give us everything. 

Tomorrow I have an online zoom chat with NatWest to change my current account so all my banking is in one place and I’ve moved the child benefit over to our joint account so we can plan the spending for the kids together. 

I’ve cancelled 3 events I planned with my friends so making small steps.

Aspiration

kazyg12 said:

All very true Mal thank you !thank you for the link.
Dont get me wrong he is helping and I knew he was going to have the anger from the lies. I know how hard this is for him as much as me. He has no idea why I couldn’t tell him. This is why he is struggling I just knew his reaction would be this it’s worse than having an affair because he’s always tried to give us everything. 

Tomorrow I have an online zoom chat with NatWest to change my current account so all my banking is in one place and I’ve moved the child benefit over to our joint account so we can plan the spending for the kids together. 

I’ve cancelled 3 events I planned with my friends so making small steps.

I can understand the shock etc.. But I can’t see it being anywhere nearly as bad as having an affair! I know it seems tough, the situation has been there in the background. With what you’re doing now you’re taking steps to address it and resolve. 

May not feel like it but this is progress. 

kazyg12

Yes progress need to keep my head up and think of the end goal 

enthusiasticsaver

It sounds like primarily you are trying to adjust to a lower income and have been spending as you were doing pre kids. Most of us have had to cut back on social lives etc after having children. It gets easier when they get older but I would make it a priority to live within your income so boring as it sounds before agreeing to an event with friends or buying a present really think to yourself whether you can afford it at that time. I find no event or thing is worth sacrificing the peace of mind that you have that you have not had to go into debt to buy it or pay for it.   

It is imperative you do a budget first and foremost.  If you have a joint account are the bills split fairly between you acknowledging the difference between your income and your husbands? Have you made a plan to repay the debt and is it affordable for you?  Who  has set this 4 month limit?  You or your husband?  Why 4 months? Does this leave you with some personal spending money?  I do think that you need to think of gifts and things for the children, childcare and childrens activities as joint expenditure. Your account should purely be for you so clothes, activities with your friends, hair, toiletries etc etc. Set a weekly spending limit. 

kazyg12

So have just switched my current account to the NatWest deal for £150, Ive got a banking diary now and have a clear grasp of what all our outgoings are. I’m so drained but today is the first day that I haven’t felt guilt since forever. Hope that I can encourage others that are in my situation to do the right thing too. I know my debt could have been so much worse but I am so grateful for anyone that took the time to read my post and reply 💜

in_need_of_direction

Babysteps are the way to go and £150 for a new bank account is great.  Best of luck with it all.  You can do this.
btw, please don’t take this as a criticism but I can sympathise with your dh in one regard.  My ex was a grand gesture man.  He liked to treat people, buy presents, (including for me) etc. But did so without considering what we could afford.  I would get upset at there not being enough in the household budget or for spending on our children because of his actions. 

Maybe asking yourself where else the money could be spent when you’re tempted, could help.

fatbelly

kazyg12 said:

So have just switched my current account to the NatWest deal for £150, Ive got a banking diary now and have a clear grasp of what all our outgoings are. I’m so drained but today is the first day that I haven’t felt guilt since forever. Hope that I can encourage others that are in my situation to do the right thing too. I know my debt could have been so much worse but I am so grateful for anyone that took the time to read my post and reply 💜

Good. Make sure you get the £3 cashback per month and - for an emergency fund remember there's a a 3% linked regular savings account

fatbelly

sammyjammy said:

Just wanted to add, if your mortgage rate is ending in December you should look at retention deals with your lender, oyu literally can just change the product online as long as you keep the term and lending the same, much less stressful and oyu can probably do it now - take a look.

On the child front, as a 49yr old I don't remember the "stuff" my Mum and Dad bought me, I remember the memories, the days on the beach with a homemade picnic etc.

In some ways not having the sutff that other kids have or having to earn it is much better for their financial future.

That was a helpful post. I remember some of the stuff I bought by saving my own pocket money. I bought a Thunderbirds board game for 19/11d and still have it today, 55 years later! A few year on, I did a paper round to make my own money.

kazyg12

Just adding an update to my debt free journey. Today I paid £500 off the credit card which now sits at 4,500. Ive worked a 55 hour week as it was half term so I should have another good wage coming in end of November. Instead of my husband helping me to pay it off I want to do it all myself as we have 0% interest for a year it gives me time to do this and still save to settle my loan. We received a refund for some tickets we bought so we are using this for Christmas presents. Thinks have been tough I think I have aged 10 years in the last few weeks. The guilt is easing, I wrote everything down to try and explain to my husband why I did what I did this massively helped. Keeping my head up and staying focused on the end goal 😊