Admitting my mistakes

kazyg12

Hi 

I went on maternity leave and was lucky enough to have a Sabbatical year after. However I missed money I’ve never been good with money always spent more than I had. This started when I went to university. My husband has no idea I’m in debt, I got a 2,500 loanto pay off our joint credit card and then still have managed to spend 6,000 on the credit card after it was clear. I have now cut it up I only work part time but I’m struggling to cover the payments on top of the 5 year loan. What a mess I’m in. We own our house and the 5 year fixed mortgage is up in December. I’m going to tell him tomorrow night the mess I’ve got myself in but I’m terrified. He will be so hurt. He’s always been so good with money and is always saving for our future but the way he has always made me feel bad for spending drives the wedge that terrifies me to tell him. He never buys himself anything never treats himself and I’m there just trying to give the kids everything I didn’t have. I’ve read so many posts on here and clearing the debt isn’t the problem as such but it’s really the aftermath this will cause our marriage. 

EssexHebridean

Telling him is 100% the right thing to do, and by the sounds of it yes he will be hurt, but he'll also want to work with you to sort things out. Just a suggestion - leave out the bit about trying to give the kids the things you didn't have - he'll probably know that anyway, and saying it may come across to him a little as though you're trying to make him feel guilty if he's angry with you - which initially at least, he likely will be. The more you clearly take responsibility for what has happened, the better, and also the easier it will feel to pay off, too. 

You've done the right thing by cutting the card up, in the first place. Have you also removed it from any apps etc where it might be set as a payment method? 

Can you increase your working hours at all - possibly may be tricky with kids. What about something like Avon - assuming they are doing doorstep deliveries again? Would fit around your working hours and you can take kids with you when dropping/collecting books and orders. Just ahead of Christmas is a great time to start doing it too. Also have a look at the various survey sites out there - Prolific Academic is one that many people find really good and it would help to give you a bit extra to pay off against the debt. 

You also need to put together your SOA - Statement of Affairs - but that may be best when you've spoken with your husband about the situation and you have agreed how you will approach it. One thing I will say - if he suggests that he pays it off for you, or that he takes a further loan to cover both debts and then you pay off, I'd say no to that. You've already learned that consolidation doesn't work - and your history means it is vital that you go through the process of clearing stuff down. Only that way will you learn the lessons that  mean this will be the last time you'll find yourself in debt like that. 

kazyg12

Thank you really sound advice and taken on board, i deleted all sites Amazon etc with the details on and decreased the card limit as well. I try and do the extra hours when I can and In September my second child goes to school so much easier for me to work everyday school hours which luckily work are really flexible with. I scare myself how much I like spending but glad I am finally going to do something about it. I will let you know how it goes I have read so many times on here how people have felt so much better for telling there other halves just hope this will be the outcome for me too. 

enthusiasticsaver

You aren't the first person to build up debt again after a consolidation loan and won't be the last.  As a debt repayment tool it never works.  Only strict budgeting and changed spending patterns are effective in paying down debt.  I would agree with EH that focusing on a plan to repay rather than make excuses that you wanted your children to have things you never did is a better approach with your DH.  Coming up with strategies to stop  the impulsive overspending is also good like cutting up the card and reducing the limit.  Moving away from using credit altogether in the short term is probably best for you as it is all too easy to spend on plastic. I hope your DH is supportive.  I also don't think that him offering to pay it off for you or taking on a new loan is a good idea as unfortunately to change spending behaviour it is better for you to feel at least some short term pain or you may build up debt again. If you are due to remortgage in the next few months it is even more important you do not apply for new credit between now and then.  

kazyg12

Thank you. I’m so cross that I even got a loan in the first place, that and credit card interest it’s daylight robbery. Sad that I’ve learnt the hard way this forum is the only place thats made me consider telling him. I think the only way to clear it all will be he takes control of all my money and I work hard and he sets the budget for me maybe gives me an allowance? The stress is all too much making me ill so the sooner it’s sorted the better. 

EssexHebridean

No - you're an adult, not a child, Your children might get "pocket money" but you work hard and need to take a share of responsibility for the household finances. That again is part of taking responsibility for your situation. Different couples work in different ways but what works for us is to have an agreed amount that we each put into the joint account to cover all outgoings - bills, groceries, savings etc. Then we each have personal money too which we use as we wish - spend or save - but all personal stuff comes out of that, plus we also budget from that money for "joint fun" stuff like days out, trips to the pub etc. Our personal money reflects our respective earnings too - which means I don't feel that MrEH is "keeping" me even though he earns quite a bit more, and also means that when it comes to buying him presents etc I am using my own money not money it feels as though he's "given" me. I look after most of our financial stuff but we also talk through most things and agree what we're planning to do. Every now and again we plan a "financial summit" when we'll sit down during an evening with a beer or two and talk through how savings etc are shaping up, possibilities for changes going forwards etc. Keeping a notebook to make notes of financial stuff can be useful - it's also interesting to look back and see what's changed. 

One thing that might be worth you doing is to sit down with him and sign up to the MSE Credit Club - it's free, provides you wish access to your experian credit report for free too, and will also give you an idea if you might be eligible for any 0% balance transfer cards which will at least mean that you don't have interest to contend with. 

One thing - allowing that your husband has remained unaware of your credit card spending until now I assume the card is in your name and he is a second card-holder? For anything that you wish as a couple to use a card for in the future I suggest that HE applies for a card and gets YOU on as the second card-holder - that way all statements etc go to him, it will also act to help you put the brakes on if you are aware he will see anything you spend like this.

One more thing in fact - stop for a moment, right now, and reflect on how you're feeling. Take a very clear note in your mind of how utterly rubbish this feels. In the future, when you're tempted to spend money, stop and remember that feeling, and remind yourself why you don't want to go back there. THAT is the most effective method of cutting back on spending that I know of. 

Aspiration

Hi OP - You’ll feel much better once you’ve told him. It won’t make the problem go away but joint finances can’t be improved If you’re both not aware of your true position. 

I hope it went ok and you’re feeling like some pressure has been released!

kazyg12

Yes told him, all these posts where everyone felt better and a relief I felt a million times worse which I didn’t think was possible! It’s going to be so hard to go threw the next few months as he has so many questions that even I don’t know the answer too. The debt itself we have a 4 month plan in place and I’ve upped my hours at work to help, The hardest thing will be explaining why I can’t do stuff for the next few months or why I can’t afford presents etc which probably seems selfish after the mess I got myself in. Does anyone know if there is anyone you can talk to about debit etc spending addiction?? Thank you all for your advice 

enthusiasticsaver

I am sure there is such a thing as a spending addiction and no doubt you can get counselling for it but you probably would have to pay which seems self defeating.  I would put  some things in place to stop you going down the same road.  Here are a few suggestions.  

Start a DFD diary on here where you record spends and things you want to  buy and are maybe saving up for.  
Make it a rule to never buy on impulse. 
Remove card details from websites and don't take your card out with you. 
Try not to go out to shops just for a wander around but really think what is needed rather than just wanted. Have an alternative plan for things to do if you are used to  shopping just to pass time.  
If you have friends etc who are used to going out a lot for expensive meals tell them you are saving up for something and will be looking to spend less so you may not be able to do so much on a regular basis or do cheaper things like a takeaway once a month for example or look for coupons, money saving deals for cheap nights out.  Set yourself an entertainment budget and don't go over that.  Maybe cut back on alcohol if you are used to doing nights out with loads of drink spends and offer to drive so you are not tempted to drink. 
Presents is an easy one.  We spoke to extended family a few years ago and agreed to stop christmas and birthday presents for all but immediate family.  Many people are quite relieved as it removes the pressure from them to buy for you too.  If they are not keen then set a limit you can afford.  It really makes no sense at all to go into debt for usually tat people don't even want. 

enthusiasticsaver

Also I am not sure how old your children are but they really do not  need things. I am sure they would rather have a mum not stressed out about money.  It does seem like your husband may be a bit too much the other way if he is only worried about saving and never spends.  You need to find a balance between treating yourself and saving for the future.  For the next few months though I would knuckle down and concentrate on paying off the debt.  Set aside a  small amount to save for Christmas though as you do not  want to be tempted to put that on credit.  Talk to your husband as to how much he feels is reasonable to spend on presents for your kids, immediate family and each other.  Also make sure if you buy presents that he pays half if you have separate finances. That is why you need to agree on a budget. 

Sncjw

4 months to clear a debt isn't a long time at all which I am assume the 4 months is about. Some people take years to clear it. Just think in 4 months the debt will be gone and you can start afresh in your finances. 

It might be a good time to sit down to review outgoings for bills and such like.