Admitting my mistakes

sammyjammy

Just wanted to add, if your mortgage rate is ending in December you should look at retention deals with your lender, oyu literally can just change the product online as long as you keep the term and lending the same, much less stressful and oyu can probably do it now - take a look.

On the child front, as a 49yr old I don't remember the "stuff" my Mum and Dad bought me, I remember the memories, the days on the beach with a homemade picnic etc.

In some ways not having the sutff that other kids have or having to earn it is much better for their financial future.

EssexHebridean

Well done for telling him - that really is your hardest bit over and done with. 

As for the spending - I suspect you need to consider if you really are "addicted" in the true sense, or whether it's a combination of being impatient to own things, impulsive over your consideration of purchases, and also to an extent using your kids as a bit of an excuse to facilitate that. Think about this - if you didn't have the children, would you still be spending in the same way do you think? Ultimately, buying them masses of "stuff" will potentially diminish their grasp on the value of money,  and may even lead to them finding themselves in debt in the future. Instead, learn to budget yourself, then teach them those skills. No, it's not as shiny and full of instant gratification as the latest "must have" toy, but you'll be giving them a skill that will serve them well for the rest of their lives, AND which will have an impact on any children they may choose to have along the way as those lessons will get passed on. 

kazyg12

I actually feel like the hard bit is now even though it shouldn’t be it’s trying to answer questions my husband is asking and I don’t really know the answers too. He has told his best friend and his parents and I’ve told my best friend but I’m quite struggling with talking to anyone I know as I’m feeling sad guilty and conscious of the judgement we have both agreed we won’t be doing much for the next 4 months until the debt is sorted but I feel like all the restrictions from him are how this started in the first place. 

EssexHebridean

It does sound like the pair of you really need to sit down and work through managing your finances together, as clearly at the moment it sounds as though you're both working at things from slightly different angles - and that spells trouble. 

Get the first month or so starting to clear the debt down, ensuring that there is a clear line of communication staying open between you, and then suggest that you both sit down and start planning how things need to work in the future. Remind him perhaps that nothing he can say can make you feel any wore than you already do about the mess you've got yourself into, and that you're grateful for his support, BUT that the two of you need to work together to come up with a financial plan for the future. Try to avoid phrases like "you make me feel" and "you don't let me..." in favour of "I find that level of restriction really hard to cope with" and "we both work hard, we do need to ensure that we have some fun as well to balance that out". Think about trying to explain, not accuse - and yes, that can be really flipping tough when it's an emotive subject! 

It really does sound as though you need to work an amount each as "no quibble money" into your budget - so a sum each per month that you can use for whatever you choose (within reason!), without any comment from the other. he may choose to save all his, you may choose to spend all yours, but that's fine so long as that spending sticks within that amount. 

kazyg12

Thank you this advice is the only thing keeping me going at the minute I know it will get better ❤️‍🩹 

enthusiasticsaver

kazyg12 said:

I actually feel like the hard bit is now even though it shouldn’t be it’s trying to answer questions my husband is asking and I don’t really know the answers too. He has told his best friend and his parents and I’ve told my best friend but I’m quite struggling with talking to anyone I know as I’m feeling sad guilty and conscious of the judgement we have both agreed we won’t be doing much for the next 4 months until the debt is sorted but I feel like all the restrictions from him are how this started in the first place. 

Do you both have completely different attitudes to spending and saving and that is why you spend because he will not? In the grand scheme of things 4 months is no time at all so if I were you I would just suck it up, resign myself to very restricted spending for that short a time but going forward make a realistic plan with your husband so you do not kick back again in the future and spend because he does not spend anything.  How do you arrange your finances? Is it joint or separate? Do you both have treat money each month where you spend with no judgement? 

Borders2017

Is the spending compulsion ( likely not addiction) is to cover for personal insecurities (overweight? Low self esteem?) Possibly even a previous Trauma (Bad Upbringing? Marriage Failing?). It would be wise to seek out counselling to address the underlying issue, of which spending is a symptom not a cause. This will help not to fall back into old habits.
Sounds like you could be generally unhappy or controlled in the relationship which is leading you to seek out happiness in temporary pleasure or spending. Make sure he works to help you resolve with some kindness and doesn't use it to badmouth you to this family and friends or throw it back in your face at a later date.

kazyg12

I just like spending I love buying gifts for people. I’m one of these people that can’t say no I’m a people pleaser. I started one of the stay at home mum business things and that didn’t help as a lot of the credit card was used to fund that which I didn’t make anything back from.

kazyg12

We have our own accounts and then a joint one for all bills, I think I’ve just generally always been so rubbish with money and never had good control. I’ve always worked hard had a good salary and then having a year off and a sabbatical year I just went off the rails so since 2019 I spent money I didn’t have believed I would sort it and it spiralled to a mess. 

MalMonroe

In your original post you said

"He’s always been so good with money and is always saving for our future".

So if your husband is so good with money - why can't you sit down together so he can help you to come to terms with what has happened and then help you to also be good with money? You have a helper right there, in your own home. I don't understand why you seem to be living separate lives in a marriage where you (as I thought) share everything. Now you have confessed your 'crime', you can hopefully start to rebuild your relationship and perhaps work together for a brighter future.

I'm not sure why he felt compelled to tell his family and friends about this - it really is nothing to do with anyone else but the two of you. 

Anyhow, it's done now. You are married, with children and it's never a good idea to try to give them 'what you never had'. As long as they are warm, fed and loved, that's all children really need. 

You have taken the first step by admitting there is a problem - that is never an easy thing. 

For free help and advice about how to manage money and cope with debt, you could do worse than contact Stepchange, it's a free phone call and their link is here - https://www.stepchange.org/how-we-help/debt-advice.aspx
They helped me when I was in financial trouble - but I was on my own and had no-one to turn to.

There's this link from this very site - https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/stop-spending-budgeting-tool/

And also this - https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/everyday-money/budgeting/beginners-guide-to-managing-your-money

In fact, there are lots of helpful websites, if you just have a google. Overspending is now starting to be seen as an addiction, like gambling and alcoholism - but the good news is that there is also help out there. 

What you don't need right now is your husband's scorn - you need help. And as you have said yourself, he is one person who can actually help you.